Clutch of Affliction

Chapter 19

"Last stop na 'to ng Laguna, neng," saad ng konduktor sa bus.

Napa lingon-lingon ako at nakitang ako na lang mag-isa ang naiwan sa bus. Anong oras na rin kaya madilim na ang paligid.

"Thank you po," paalam ko at bumaba na sa bus.

Ang lakas ng ulan ngayon kaya wala akong nagawa kung hindi mag paulan. Walang waiting shed na pwedeng silungan kaya nag lakad na ako.

Wala rin naman akong pakialam kung maulanan ako. Hindi ako pumunta rito para alagaan ang sarili ko.

Nag lalakad ako na wala sa huwisyo at walang pakialam sa paligid.

Hindi magising ang diwa ko kahit na binubusinahan na ako ng mga sasakyan na nakaka salubong ko. Patuloy lang ako sa pag lakad at hindi alam kung saan tutungo.

"Ano ba! Kung mag papakamatay ka, 'wag kang mandamay ng ibang tao! Tanginang buhay 'to!" sigaw ng isang driver sa akin na naka labas pa ang ulo sa sasakyan.

The people were so mad at me. But do I care about that? No.

I went here to Laguna to put an end to myself.

I can't live like this.

The pain of seeking love, happiness, care, and acceptance. It is killing me slowly and surely.

All the things I did back then, all of the love I begged for, it is thrown back to me hardly. The love that I thought I found within Luke. The love that I thought I deserved.

He is giving his whole to me but I cannot even give back the love he deserved. I am just in love with the thought of him being with me all the time. That I finally found the love I thought no one will give me before. But I became selfish. I became selfish about this thing called love.

I am just thinking of myself from the beginning. I became dependent and it kills me when they are gone. Arya's gone. Linus is gone. And now, Luke is gone by my side.

What is the point of living? Why am I even breathing? If I can end this pain now?

I came here because I am so done with the pain I bear. As if I was born to carry this. Oh, is this the payment for being a wedlock child? Is it? Then I will give back the life I did not even want.

My family was suffering because of me. They cannot accept me because I am not supposed to be part of their family. My brother Linus whom I don't ask for forgiveness before he died. I don't even know if he's in pain. He died being mad at me, his sister.

My friends that I might ruin because I am a piece of bad luck. Luke is ready to be ruined just because of me. How could I let that happen?

Is my reason to bring this to an end stupid? Am I just being emotional? But I just wanted to end this. I just want to rest. I am tired of running. I am tired of running away from everyone I love. I wanted to live, too. I wanted to be happy but how could I do that if I am in pain? If this pain just keeps on coming back and not leaving me.

My feet took me to the beach that was calling me. I planned this. I took my courage to finally put an end to this life.

I am slowly walking under the water. I didn't stop and wait for the water to take me. I walk and walk until it was already touching my breast.

I cannot hear anything. I cannot even pay attention to my surroundings. I am just here, breathing and accepting my end.

I am looking at the moon and the stars that are shining brightly in the sky. It's asking me to go with me. When the water was almost above me, I smiled and closed my eyes.