Perfectly broken

Part 15

Trigger warnings: lots of self hate, eating disorder thoughts and some spice with dom/sub tones. All in all, just depressing. 

But yeah... hope you "enjoy".

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Felix POV

The minute the boys entered the dorm, Felix ran for the bathroom. He locked the door behind him and quickly fell to his knees to pull out the weight from under the sink. He hastily threw off his sweater and pants and stood on the machine. The number "47.1" flashed up at him making his stomach turn unpleasantly. It wasn't good enough- it was far from good enough, so why was he still so hungry?

He cried as he pulled his clothes back on. He felt the tears roll down his cheeks as he looked at himself in the mirror. Why was it so hard? It was just losing weight. Many people did it without crying and complaining. Was he just weaker than everyone else?

He quickly dried his eyes and unlocked the door. He barely noticed the other boys in the living room as he ran for the kitchen. He didn't stop to think as he opened the fridge and pulled out an yoghurt. He didn't even sit down to eat; he just opened it and began spooning it into his mouth. It tasted better than he could have imagined and it was gone far too soon. Without hesitation he opened the fridge once more and found a chocolate bar. He began eating while he opened the container with beef and rice that Minho had made for them the day before. He began heating it while eating the chocolate. The sweetness almost made him shiver in pleasure. His mouth was almost sealed shut by the caramel inside, but he didn't stop to fill a glass of water. He watched the food heat up, impatiently forcing the chocolate down.

He was licking off his fingers as he heard footsteps nearing. He turned around like he was guilty of a crime, trying to shield the food in making with his body.

He looked up at a surprised looking Minho. Felix felt like dying when the other's eyes went from him to the empty yoghurt container, to the candy wrapper and then landing on the microwave which he clearly could hear behind Felix's body.

He forced a smile on his lips and continued into kitchen, ignoring the way Felix was standing like he was about to flee.

"I was just about to make some dinner for all of us" he told, opening the fridge.

"I..." Felix voice was shaking as he felt the shame bubble in him and he suddenly felt way too full and bloated. "-I've already eaten."
"That's alright" Minho answered, sounding unbothered, but Felix knew that he was judging him- of course he was.

"I'll just go then" Felix aimed towards the door, but Minho stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

"What about the food?" he asked looking at the microwave which had said its indicating sound.

Felix shook his head, feeling tears in his eyes. "I was making it for Hyunjin, but it doesn't matter if you're making dinner now."
He could see in Minho's eyes that he didn't believe him, but he didn't comment on it. "Maybe you should go spent some time with him. I think he's half asleep in the couch with the others."
Felix nodded hastily. "Sure."

Again he knew that Minho didn't believe him. His jaw tensed, but he didn't say anything. He just released him, nodding solemnly.

Felix walked as fast as possibly, without it being actual running, out the room. He felt so bad. He had been so good with his dieting for months and from one day's weakness he had thrown it all away. He felt so disgusted as he ran directly back to the bathroom. He locked the door after him and turned on the shower, just to be safe. He didn't hesitate before throwing himself down by the toilet and leaning forward. He hated this, but it worked, which was what counted. Poking his fingers down his throat he instantly felt his stomach turn. His whole body clenched as the sour taste filled his mouth. The second time the chocolate filled his mouth, it didn't taste nearly as good at the first time. He cringed as he threw up the food he had drooled over minutes earlier. His throat felt sore and his whole body was shaking. He kept on pressing fingers down his throat wanting to get clean and, to feel good again. But it didn't work. He felt worse and worse even though the only thing left to puke was clear acid.