Perfectly broken

Part 17

I'm back, and it's only going downhill. More angst and sadness coming up, because apparentley that's how I roll. 

--------------

Felix POV

Felix didn't want to show it, but Hyunjin ignoring him hurt him immensely. And the worst part was that he understood him. It was with no doubt Felix's fault and everyone knew that. Felix barely noticed the way his head spun and his whole body ached from the day before. He was so focused on Hyunjin that he more than once walked straight into the other members without noticing. He tried playing it off every time they complained, but he was hurting on the inside. Hyunjin didn't look at him. Even when their hands touched during the choreography, Hyunjin's gaze was empty and directed towards the mirror. Felix tried desperately to catch his eyes, but it was hopeless.

He longed for a break so he could go speak to him, but when Chan finally said the words, Hyunjin turned towards the door with such haste that Felix barely had time to see.

"Hyunjin!"

He ran towards him, even though his legs barely were able to hold him up at this point and he was heaving for breath.

Hyunjin didn't slow down. He turned the doorknob and was about to leave when Felix caught a hold on his wrist.

"Please, can we talk?" he asked, he voice barely more than a breathless whisper.

He instantly let go of the other as he turned, a look of pure anger and pain shining from his eyes. Felix felt fear run through his body at the sight and it instantly shut him up.

"What could you possibly say?" the taller dancer asked, staring down at him. "Nothing you could say would make me forgive you. I have done everything for you, taken months of abuse to help you and then you stab me in the back."
Felix felt hot tears tickle his cheeks and burn in his eyes. Hyunjin's words hurt unbearably, not just because of the anger they projected, but because they were true.

"I wasn't in my right mind" Felix whispered helplessly, but the words were barely out before Hyunjin shook his head.

"That's not a fucking excuse."

With that he left the room, slamming the door behind him.

Felix's held his breath, as if hoping that it would pause time. The air around him felt frozen cold and his legs shook violently under him.

Hyunjin was right. Felix not being good enough wasn't an excuse for him to worry others. Everyone one of the members had taken care of him for months now, and it was only a question of time before the rest of them would leave him as well. He had lost Hyunjin, but he wouldn't lose anyone else. Perhaps if he got better, if he got skinnier and less selfish, all in all a better idol, then Hyunjin would come back to him.

"Felix?"

Felix jumped when a warm hand carefully stroked his back. He knew the rest of the members were staring at him.

"Felix, are you alright?"

Felix took a deep, shivering breath before forcing his lips to stretch into a smile. He turned towards Chan, who was still stroking his back soothingly.

"Yes" he answered, trying to fight back the tears which burned him from the inside. "He is right. I get that he's mad. I hope he will forgive me at some point, but for now- I have some questions about the choreography."

He could feel their eyes on him and he placed himself in front of the mirror, shaking more violently than trees in a storm. He knew that they didn't believe the façade he had put on, but they would. Felix would make them believe, so Stray Kids could become one again. Felix had been eliminated once before- he would never go through that again.