Miles apart (Man × Man) ✔

25) n e e d e d

When Ash woke up, it was still early, which was nothing new. It took him longer to fall asleep in the evening and in the small hours even the smallest noises could rip him off his sleep. Normally he got up straight away rather than keep tossing around in the bed, because once the sleep was gone it was gone for good.

This time, though, Ash was in no hurry getting up. It didn't matter how many times he woke up with Miles snuggled against his chest, it never failed to make him smile. Miles was like a cat, always trying to find the warmest and most comfortable spot to sleep in.

Ash played with his hair, tucking a lock of hair off his forehead and feeling its softness between his fingertips. Miles stirred and when Ash cupped his cheek, a smile spread on his lips and he leaned on the touch.

"What time is it?" Miles mumbled drowsily, drawing lazy circles with his fingertips on Ash's side under his shirt. "Did you get any sleep?"

Ash didn't answer, instead he rolled them around so that he could straddle Miles. He leaned in to kiss Miles' neck, earning a small half-asleep sound of approval from Miles. Ash trailed unhurried kisses along Miles' neck and up to his jaw, then grazing his earlobe gently with his teeth. All he could think of was: more.

"I haven't.." Miles mumbled, his eyes still shut, and moved his hand to cover his mouth. Ash kissed the back of Miles' hand, thinking: more, more.

"..brushed your teeth, I know. And who cares?" Ash murmured and didn't waste a second after Miles dropped the hand. They kissed lazily, while Ash slipped his hand under Miles' shirt. He trailed the warm skin with his fingers, wanting to hold, grip, pull closer. More, more, more.

"Mmh." Miles agreed, lifting his hips so that Ash could free him from his briefs. Ash's boxers followed suit, but he didn't bother with the shirts. The need to feel something deep, to feel connection, surprised him by its magnitude and urgency. He didn't stop to think, he just let the need guide him.

Ash turned Miles to lie on his back, earning a surprised gasp from him, and lifted the hem of his shirt so that he could plant kisses along his spine. Miles still had his eyes closed, an amused smile tucking up the corners of his mouth. He didn't open his eyes when Ash fumbled through the nightstand for condoms and lube. His eyes darted open only when he could feel Ash sliding in.

"Oh, wow, okay." Miles breathed, now wide awake. Then he dissolved into moans and little noises of pleasure, while Ash couldn't believe he could be so lucky to have someone as perfect as him. Neither could he tell for sure if he was still asleep or wide awake, but even if it was just a dream, he wasn't complaining.

"I love you." Ash whispered to Miles and he kept repeating the words while the pleasure built, reaching whole new levels and finally bringing them release. When Ash crashed on top of Miles, sweaty and boneless, he could feel the raw need fading to content.

"I don't know where that was coming from, but please don't hesitate to wake me up if that ever happens again." Miles nestled closer to Ash once they were laying comfortably in each other's arms.

"I love you too." Miles whispered. Saying those words didn't come as easily to him. Ash knew it wasn't because he didn't love him, but because he wasn't used to saying them. He wasn't from a family where the words "I love you'' came out naturally, but that didn't mean he felt them any less. And that was okay for Ash.

They kissed lazily, limbs tangled together, only getting up to shower once the stickiness got too much to bear. When the warm water trickled down Ash's skin, he could feel the rest of the tension leaving his body. He felt better than he had felt for a while, better than he had felt after hearing the diagnosis from his mom's lips.

~~~

Ash could get more done at work later that day than he had for weeks. He managed all he had to do for the day plus the tasks that had been mounting on his desk. He hadn't been himself lately, and although work helped him to get his mind off his mom, he found it difficult to concentrate.

After the morning Ash had had with Miles, he could feel a sense of calm setting in his chest. It was easier to focus on work and to even have a decent day for once. Of late, fixing softwares had felt pointless when he couldn't do anything to fix what was wrong with his mom.

Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis was a death sentence for anyone who couldn't afford in-home care, and even though Ash knew that painfully well, he didn't want so much as to think about it. He surely didn't want to hear anyone, even Miles, bringing it up after an actual profitable day at work.

"I have to say this, okay?" Miles was sitting on the armrest of the couch, in Ash's apartment, waiting for a perfect moment to ambush him. Ash frowned, but slouched to the living room and sat down on the couch without objection.

"I think you should talk to someone about what's going on with your mom." Miles stammered, clearly nervous but fighting to keep his eyes on Ash. When he could see the line between Ash's brows deepening, he hurried to explain: "It doesn't have to be me. But keeping all that in can't be good for you, and I.. love you too much to just watch you suffer in silence."

"I don't want to talk about it." Ash crossed his arms over his chest, shaking his head and looking away pointedly.

"I know, but still, you should." Miles insisted. "You could, like, see a therapist or a counselor like Eli does."

"Yeah, and with what money exactly?" Ash snapped, turning to glare Miles.

"I could.." Miles let his voice trail off as he saw how Ash was sending daggers on his way. He raked a hand through his hair. "I don't know. I want to help, I need to do something."

"There's nothing to do." Ash stood up and started pacing around the living room. He didn't want to talk about it, he couldn't think about it. Why didn't Miles see that?

"She doesn't have to die. There are ways to prolong her life. A ventilator could —"

"She doesn't want that." Ash huffed, swallowing against the lump in his throat. "Miles, seriously, just leave it."

"What if I paid for it? I have money." Miles' uttered the words desperately, his face a picture of worry. Ash stopped pacing and turned on his heels to glare at Miles. It didn't help that he knew Miles only meant well, when all he could see was red.

"How many times do I have to say it?" Ash hissed through his clenched teeth. He spilled the words like they were acid corroding everything they touched on their way out: "We don't want your fucking money."

"Okay, I'm sorry, I.." Miles stood up, taking a cautious step towards Ash.

"Go home, I want to be alone tonight." Ash's words made him halt and wince like he had just hit him.

"You don't mean that." Miles' eyes filled with tears when he reached his hand to touch Ash and Ash batted away from him.

"Go away." Ash repeated, slowly, and turned his back to Miles.

It was dead silent for a prolonged while, until Miles walked away without a word. Ash could hear him sniffle, before he shut the door behind him, but was too angry to do anything about it. He knew he had hurt Miles, but he was hurting too. He was hurting so much it was crushing him, and no amount of talking would make it better.

When Ash sank to his knees, burying his face in his hands, he thought how fragile happiness could be. How easily a good day could turn sour, with just a few poorly chosen words.

~~~

Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), which is also known as Lou Gehrig's disease, is a neurological disease. For some reason it has always fascinated me. I like reading about neurology and especially about the brain, so that might be the reason why. It's an absolutely terrifying disease, causing one to gradually lose their ability to move, breathe, speak or eat on their own. Stephen Hawking is one of the best known sufferer of ALS.

Anyhow, I'm terribly sorry to say that we have come to the sad part of the story. Although, I'm pretty sure you have already guessed that. I swear all of this suffering isn't just the sake of suffering, and it's all leading to something better.