Miles apart (Man × Man) ✔

36) r e a s s u r e d

Sometimes Ash felt like his life was a tangled mess, a big quagmire of troubles and worries. It was like all his attempts to untie the knot only got them tangled together tighter. Sometimes he felt like someone had forgotten to give him the manual of his life and he was just trying to make his way through it blindly.

Having Eli and Benjamin around served as a distraction, taking Ash's mind off the fact his mom was dying. Being there for Eli, when he needed all the help and support he could possibly get, kept Ash busy. It also kept him away from his mom, which in turn made him choke with guilt. 

Ash wanted to make the most of their last months together, to be there for his mother like she had always been there for him. Two Sundays in a row without seeing Eliana or Avi didn't fit well with Ash's conscience, but he was going to pay back all the missed time as soon as they saw each other again. 

With his work schedule and all the things he needed to get done at home, he could only spare an hour or two for them during the weekdays, but he always made sure to have time on Sundays. Apart from the two past weeks, that is. Fortunately Eliana was as understanding as ever, telling Ash he needed to take good care of Eli and Miles as well. That she and Ash would have plenty of time after that. 

And so, even as Ash would have loved to spend all his time with his mom, he spared that time to make sure Miles and Eli were okay. Miles, who was mourning for his dad and trying to ready himself for a new way of living. Eli, who was trying to find a way to keep living with the memories back to his awareness. 

It took him an entire week before he was ready to talk about the statement with more than just a few vague words. Even then he seemed reluctant, like he had rather just swept the entire thing under the carpet. 

"It's called dissociative amnesia, what I have, I mean." Eli stammered, frowning at his coffee mug like it had done something horrible to him. Then he shrugged slightly, continuing: "I still need to get evaluated by a psychiatrist, but.. I don't know, it fits."

"It's something the brain does to protect itself from psychological damage, making one forget the trauma until he's ready to deal with it." Benjamin stepped in, helping Eli to explain the parts he had heard as well. "Some might never get the memories back, and sometimes it can take years before they come."

Ash, thanks to his insatiable interest in documentaries, had heard about it. Just like he had heard about the other ways the brain reacts to traumatic events. He had even gone as far as watching an entire series of documentaries about the treatment of traumatized children and young adults in one evening, just because there was nothing else to watch. 

Ash had known about Eli's condition, the clinical depression and PTSD, for a good while now. Even before Eli had said a word about them, Ash spotted some signs. Like the way the smallest of sounds could startle him and how his smile sometimes died the moment he thought no one was looking. 

It had gotten worse around the time Logan was sentenced for running an illegal drug trade and god knows what other shady businesses alongside FAB. Eli had never explained his part in all that, but it didn't take a genius to know he had been one of Logan's victims in one way or another.

"I wish I never remembered that part." Eli huffed, then smiled sadly. "But then again, Zack deserves a proper funeral. His parents are in the city and apparently Logan has been planting all this fake evidence about Zack's whereabouts, so they never really believed their son was dead. They're good people and I feel so bad for them, but they needed to know the truth."

"And Logan deserves to rot in prison." Miles joined the conversation.

"I don't know." Eli mumbled, causing everyone to turn to look at him. He raked a hand through his already messy hair and sighed. "I mean, yeah, definitely. But I still don't think he's some monster. He used to have a good heart, it just got lost somewhere along the way."

None of them knew what to say to that, so they kept their mouths shut. Eli's ability to see good in Logan amazed Ash, who had never been good at forgiving and moving on. If someone had done him wrong, he was likely to hold drudge for the rest of his life. Logan was a murderer, a liar and a criminal, yet Eli was able to see goodness in him.

"How does it feel like to go home?" Miles asked eventually, breaking the thoughtful silence. The bathroom renovation was promised to be ready in just a few days, which would mean more alone time for Ash and Miles, but also much more space for worrying about Eliana.

"I don't know about Eli, but my back misses our bed." Benjamin chuckled, throwing a pointed look at the couch, which admittedly wasn't the most comfortable mattress to sleep on.

"I miss our bed too." Eli agreed while an innocent smile crept on his face. His better mood seemed genuine, making Ash wonder what had changed. Whatever it was, Benjamin and Miles could see it as well, and it helped them with getting rid of the last remnants of the tension their argument had led between them.

"Anyway", Eli began, the friskiness gone from his voice. "Apart from all this stress about Zack, it has been a memorable few weeks."

"Definitely." Benjamin agreed and lifted his coffee mug, smiling warmly at Ash and Miles. "Thank you for letting us stay."

They had to settle for toasting with their energy drinks, coffees and teas, because none of them had touched alcohol since the scare they got that one evening. Ash knew he was going to miss having Eli and Benjamin around, but he also knew with certainty that he would love having the house for just him and Miles.

~~~

Ash knew better than to think Eli was all better now that he had started smiling and bickering like his usual self. He was in a fragile state, where things could go south in a snap of a finger. It was all about balancing and taking one step at a time, being grateful for every good day.

Then one day, the day before Eli and Benjamin moved back to their home, something happened. When Ash and Miles came home after a brief visit to Ash's parents, they found the house empty. The lights and the TV were on, so the sight of the empty living room made Ash's heart sink to his stomach. 

In just a few seconds his brain could come up with all the possible worst-case scenarios, but the grin on Miles' lips shut those down as fast as they came. Ash strained his ears to listen, and soon he could hear it as well. He let out a relieved breath, which came out as a chortle.

"I think they're just fine." Miles whispered, lifting an eyebrow.

"Well, this is awkward." Ash grumbled, wanting to cover his ears from the unmistakable noises coming from the bathroom. He fought against a grin when he lifted his head to suggest: "Let's just go for a walk or something? And give them some privacy, maybe?"

"Yes please." Miles huffed gratefully and took Ash's hand to pull him out of the apartment. His cheeks were flushed, and Ash couldn't say for sure if it was for the chilly weather.

As much as Ash didn't enjoy having to flee from his own home so that his friends could have some steamy sex in their bathroom, it made him strangely happy. He was walking in the dusk, cold evening with his boyfriend, his parents were doing relatively well and Eli and Benjamin were clearly returning to their normal life. 

It had been a good day, a day that finally reassured Ash Eli was going to be okay. And the genuine smile on Miles' lips and the way he laughed, while they made their way across the streets, filled Ash's chest with cautious certainty that he and Miles were going to be just fine in the end. Definitely after Anthony was gone, but maybe after Eliana as well.