Miles apart (Man × Man) ✔

43) p e c k e d

There are just as many reasons for grief as there are ways to cope with it. Perhaps one of the painfullest is to grieve for the loss of someone who is still alive. Someone who you thought would always be a part of your life, but for some reason isn't. For what is grief, if not the thought, that keeps you awake at night: this isn't how it was supposed to happen.

"Has he tried to call again?" Ash asked, keeping his voice light, conversational. He didn't turn away from the stove to face Miles, from which Miles was grateful for. What kind of expression had he on his face? What would it reveal to Ash, who could read him better than anyone else?

When someone dies, that is the end, a point where it's impossible to continue to physically be there for each other. You can never again touch them or hear their voice, but you know for certainty the reason you cannot be together. You will not spend your nights asking yourself over and over again what it was you did wrong.

You will not torment yourself with doubts: did I try enough? Did I make the right choice? Because, at least, you'll know there will be no second chances, nothing left to wonder.

"Yup, three missed calls, twelve texts and two emails." Miles huffed and rolled his eyes at the tomatoes he was chopping for the salad. He had turned off his phone a few hours ago, after the last bombard of calls and messages from his dad, so there was probably more by then.

"What did he say?" Ash asked and this time he turned to look at Miles, studying his face with more intensity than Miles would have preferred to.

"You know, the same 'I have been nothing but a loving father to you, so how can you turn your back to me?' spiced with a little 'I have talked to your mom and she cannot believe it either.'." Miles made an effort to keep his tone light as well. But as he continued, the weariness caught in his voice: "Why can't he just leave me alone already? It's like he has too thick a skull to take the hint or something.."

Ash set down the spatula and stepped behind Miles, gently setting down the knife he was holding to spin him around and pull him into a hug. Miles protested, telling Ash to let him dry his hands first to not smudge his shirt, but Ash just tightened the embrace and nuzzled the top of Miles' head.

"It's an old shirt, so you can even use it as a towel." Ash promised, pinning Miles between himself and the kitchen counter. They grew silent for a while, when Ash buried his face in Miles' hair and inhaled the familiar scent of his shampoo. Miles let his arms hang loosely around Ash's waist, in no hurry to get back to making the salad.

"Hey.. Ash.." Miles muttered then, voice muffled by Ash's chest, on which his face was pressed against. "I'm sorry this had to happen now, so soon after your mom.. You should have had more time to focus on just grieving her."

"Miles." Ash said, cupping Miles' cheeks and pushing him to an arm's length, so that he could look at him in the eye. "I'm glad you finally got rid of your dad, and it wasn't like you were given an option to wait until I was feeling better."

"I know, but.." Miles let his voice trail off as Ash pecked his forehead. Then Ash moved his lips to his temples, first one side and then another, in a quick series of brief kisses. "Ash.. I'm serious." Miles complained, but Ash continued like he hadn't said a word. Ash kissed the spot between Miles' eyebrows, smoothing the crinkle worry had left there. Then the tip of his nose and next up was his cheek.

"Ash, come on." Miles tried again, chuckling, when Ash kissed his other cheek and the tip of his nose again. "I just want you to know how sorry —" Miles began, but Ash silenced him with a kiss onto his lips.

"You don't need to apologize to me." Ash breathed, his lips still touching Miles'. Miles could feel shivers running up and down his spine as the warmth of Ash's breath touched his lips. "And", Ash whispered and paused to peck Miles again, "I'll let you speak", he continued, then pecked Miles again. When he finished the sentence, he was brushing Miles' cheek with his thumb: "..when you stop apologizing for things that aren't your fault."

"Okay, fine." Miles laughed and leaned in to bring their lips together all over again. After the kiss, which was slow and tender, he whispered: "I just feel bad, and I want you to have all the time you need to mourn her, that's all."

"I know." Ash agreed and buried his face on the top of Miles' head again. Then he promised, with such tenderness it brought tears in Miles' eyes: "I know. And I will. We can mourn our parents together."

"Ugh, you're way too good for me." Miles groaned, earning a deep chuckle from Ash. He had a million things he wanted to say, like how stupid he felt for mourning the loss of their house or that he had to the sell his car to cover the down payment of their new apartment.

When Ash parted from the hug, Miles looked up at him questioningly. Ash explained: "I'm not letting you distract me to burn the food again."

"You're no fun." Miles pouted, but went back to his salad task without further complaints. He was going to miss the kitchen as well, all those times he and Ash had cooked together. Or, more precisely, he was going to miss watching Ash cook.

But Ash would continue cooking in their new apartment, just as Miles had found himself a pre-owned Honda Accord Sport. It was nowhere near as luxurious as his previous car, but it had air conditioning and it could take him from A to B.

Miles wasn't going to lie, though, all those changes were difficult to adjust with. He hadn't even realized how luxurious his life had been before he had to give away all the things he had taken for granted. One of his two iPads had to go, as well as his gold card and numerous other goods.

Apart from that, though, Miles knew he wasn't going to miss much from his old life. He could live in a smaller house, if that meant his dad wouldn't be able to barge in whenever he felt like it. He could do with a cheaper car, if it meant he didn't have to listen to any of his dad's complaints and plans for him anymore.

"Miles?" Ash's voice brought Miles back to Earth. He could tell how tired Ash was from the shadows grief had left on his face. The dark circles under his eyes and the hollows of his cheeks, made him look sharper, more alert.

"Sorry, what?" Miles asked.

"I said the stew is ready. How is the salad?" Ash gestured at the pan just to emphasize his words, and Miles glanced down at the cutting board to realize he too had already chopped everything they had planned to put in the salad. Miles had no idea how Ash had fooled him into eating warm vegetables and salad in one meal..

"It's all ready." Miles told Ash, and they brought the salad and the stew on the already set table. They ate in silence, since lately the words had seemed secondary to just being alone in each other's company. Both of them had a lot on their minds, and there weren't always words to voice those thoughts.

"I think you'll be happier from now on. You just need some time to adapt." Ash pondered after dinner, when they were setting the dishes in the dishwasher. That was one of the things Miles had to part with, because in their new apartment the dishes would have to be washed by hand.

"I hope so.. I just have no idea what my life will be like and frankly it scares the hell out of me." Miles admitted and turned to wash his hands in the sink.

"You know what?" Ash asked and a smile curved up the corners of his mouth. Oh, how much Miles adored his smile, and how much he hoped he would see more of it. But then again, he had known from the beginning that Ash wasn't the smiling type. All that calm solemness was one of the reasons Miles had fallen in love with Ash in the first place.

"What?" Miles lifted an eyebrow and set down the kitchen towel he had tried his hands on.

"I'm going to show you just how great your life can be. You have no idea how much fun you've missed out on." Ash decided, still smiling. He held out his hand and Miles took it, and they shook on it. And just like that the idea of what was to come didn't scare Miles as much anymore.