Ice Blue

Chapter 23

It's been two days since Alex told me the truth about my father. About Valentin's past with him and his sister.

I've barely eaten in these two days. He forced me to drink something and shoved some bites of a sandwich into my mouth which turned into sand on my tongue really quickly. He spoke to me but I could barely answer him and I feel dead ever since. His words don't leave my mind for a second.

"We've been dating secretly for a year until she started distancing herself and it didn't take me a day to find out there was someone else. While I was planning how to tell Valentin about us without missing his blessing, she was spending nights in hotel rooms with your father." He said. His words still make my stomach somersault. Especially the hatred and pain in his voice made me want to throw up. "I don't know how they met but I know her dilated pupils weren't the only reason why she stayed with him. No matter what I did, she refused to come back to me, although I was running after her like a dog." He explained.

I stare at the wall across from me. It's empty. Just like the side of my brain that's not busy with thinking about his words.

"Within weeks she lost so much weight because of the drugs and she was obsessed with him. He treated her like a piece of meat and she loved it because she believed that he loved her. Not to mention that he was with plenty other women at the same time and she didn't care because she thought he would get over it and leave his wife. Your mom. I fought him, I wanted to kill him and so did Valentin but nothing we did or said got her out of it." He said.

Tears roll down my cheeks.

"Do you know how often I pulled her out of these hotel rooms? Empty alcohol bottles, condoms, drugs, clothes everywhere. She was crying, trowing a tantrum but I never gave up on her. Until she gave up on herself because he wouldn't leave your mother. She killed herself and I hated myself until I realized that no one could've helped her." He said with tears in his eyes.

I pull my knees to myself as I'm laying on my side, forming into a ball while I hold onto the pillow between my arms with both hands. I hold it so tightly that my knuckles turn white and my fingers hurt. Hot tears wet my face as I bite into the pillow and scream. My heart is hurting. For everyone.

My father is a cheater. He's the kind of person you wouldn't even shake hands with because his filthiness is contagious. The devil built its home in his heart and there's no way for him to turn into a better human. He can't be saved. His lost soul is determined to destroy other peoples lives and I'm embarrassed to be his daughter. I'm existing because of him. We share the same DNA, the same surname. We share too much and I wish I could rip everything that has something to do with him off me. I did nothing to deserve this. My only mistake was to exist. To be born into his arms, his house and his life. How can I live with this weight on my shoulders? With this burden and the embarrassment? With the hatred I carry for him?

There's no way I can go back into that house and live with him. I can't look into his eyes or breathe the same air as him. There's no way I will be near him ever again. It's not like he cares anyway and now I understand why.

This man doesn't care about anything else but himself. He doesn't care about his family, his name or his reputation. He only does what he likes and wants in the moment, just to be satisfied. How does is come that he is my father? I'm nothing like him. And how does it come that I haven't noticed any of these things until now? I was so stupid and blind. Guess I wasn't caring about anything but me either. It's hard to realize that the man that's supposed to be your father is one of the most awful people you've ever known. There's no way I will ever get over it. But I should've known. I should've stopped sugarcoating all the shit that he did and didn't do.