To Stand by Your Side (DekuBaku)

Chapter 23: Aftermath

I fucked up.

He wasn't sure if he wanted to shout, scream, yell—

I fucked up.

—cry, beg, plead—

I fucked up.

—stand, run, drag him back—

I...

—or sit there, eyes frozen on the door, unsaid words still on his lips while those same words stood to crumble to dust in his throat.

Katsuki had left. There wasn't anything else to say.

Not for good. He said that he didn't want to end anything. He– he said he'd text. He's not gone. He's not...

The horrible, horrible sound of the slamming door had branded itself in his memory, and for as much as Izuku wanted to convince himself that everything was fine, that everything would get better, that they'd get through this first barrier and be okay again, it was...

It was hard. Harder than he could've ever imagined.

Did it ever hurt this much with Kirishima? We didn't fight that much, not really, but then again, that was...

Izuku swallowed.

We were only ever friends with benefits. Nothing more. No matter how much I might've loved him, that wasn't... was never, really... the same.

A part of him still couldn't believe that Katsuki had honestly thought those things, said those things about him. Maybe it had been in a fit of anger that those wild accusations had been thrown—the suggestion that he'd only seen Katsuki for his physical traits and only kept him around for his body, and the dismissal of Izuku's respect for his abilities—but god, it hurt.

Does he really think I think about him like that? Does he honestly think that I don't care? That I just want him around as someone to make out with and sleep in my bed?

Nausea coiled in his stomach, and Izuku pulled his legs to his chest, wondering why everything had gone so horribly, horribly wrong.

Why... why...? We... we made it through months apart... made it through so many training sessions and time constraints... made it through too much damn pining, but... after everything so far, he can't understand how much more I see him as? How much he means to me? How much I just wanna see him safe and happy and alive, for fuck's sake?

Angry tears pearled in his eyes, and Izuku couldn't hold back the string of curses that'd been just barely dammed back by trembling lips.

Dammit, Kacchan! Why? Why!?

A part of him knew he should move. Get up. Do something. But just as strong was the urge to stay, sit, and watch the door that wouldn't open again. He wanted so bad to just believe that Katsuki would come back, all smiles and sunshine and the willingness to accept help and simple security.

But it won't be that easy, will it? Kacchan's not the type to go back on his words... I doubt he'd just come rushing back in. That's stupid to expect.

He wasn't exactly sure when he managed to peel himself off of the couch, all stiff legs and stiff knees, and wander into the kitchen. Not that he was hungry, no. Really, it was just a matter of what the hell do I do now.

Should I call someone? Tell someone about this? Text Kacchan? No, no, that last one's probably a bad idea... even so, though, I just...

Izuku pulled his phone from his pocket, scrolled through he and Katsuki's messages, but didn't see anything that was inherently an issue. What was the problem with asking how are you? What was the issue with an is everything okay? He was a hero, and being a hero meant everyone's well-being came first, including Katsuki's– his boyfriend's.