Lillian's Deceit

38. Surreal

chapter 38.

"I cannot believe everything that happened... its... surreal" Eleanor trailed off looking at Lillian, who sat close to the corner of the carriage, with a smile that didn't reach her eyes,

"..Like a dream and a nightmare all in one" Lillian muttered as she glanced outside the carriage window, already thinking of everything and anything all through out the journey. They took off from London after the encounter with their father, he spilled the truth and told them Kevin was at north, workington, Eleanor could hardly stand waitng so they departed quick after that.

Lillian knew it was the perfect moment for her to leave off for Ireland, back where she could go to her reality. She would join the fastest ship, hopefully before midnight and then she would do her best to never look back, if it ever was possible she didn't know

considering that she couldn't stop thinking about everything, everything this past six months,

it truly was surreal, perhaps when she see her aunts face everything would turn normal, then she would sleep at her bed and wake up to the sound of birds chirping and think of her honeymoon time, miss the ocean and having picnics... waking up to a body next to hers, holding her close as he woke her up again to make love... then she would wished she never woke, dreaming until she----

"Your thinking about him aren't you?" Eleanor broke her thoughts, Lillian cleared her throat as her sister looked at her in away that said I-caught-you-and-don't-even-try-lying.

But who was she to fool? Her sister knew her more than anyone, and they both were missing someone terribly now, "Perhaps, but you will gloat on it and I rather like the view"

"Oh, bloody hell sister, you used to love gossip and talking, do not behave as if you wouldn't have pushed this matter had it been me"

and that was the thing maybe. It was her, simply that justified why Lillian would rather close the discussion, and also her sister could be very persuaive, make her spill everything out.

And Lillian did not want to do that now when the only thing that awaited her was to hop into a ship and leave the country and leave the memories that brought it with.

But one thing she could never forget, how hard she wanted it was already carved inside her heart, he was carved there.

"I love him and miss him..... i said it, even when it don't matter, when it won't change nothing, I love him, I will always love him" she spoke and it took her a long time before she looked away from the window seeing Eleanor's face symphatetic, "You have always cared about others, I couldn't even believe my ears when you promised father that you would leave only if i could choose my future... you have never let anyone care for you... cherish you...love you"

Lillian's throat closed up, she looked away before she was becoming a sobbing mess, even through her emotions she could speak, "When... when we were kids, when mother and father used to quarell, and everyone wondered what happened... everyone questioened us, I knew then that we only had each other to care... I never would have left had it not been for your future, least one of us would have one i thought and while father was horrible i knew you had friends.. Kevin who you spoke of marrying one day, you love it here, you shined always----- and i thought that my mistake and scandals would make you hate me forever if i took you with me.."

"Oh god, I--- you little idiot-- how could you think i could ever hate you" Eleanor cried, tears falling down her porcelin skinned cheeks, she came up from her side of the carriage even if it bounced in no time embracing her sister till they both cried out their sorrow, their pain.

"I could never hate you---never" Eleanor mumbled, sobbing still as they drew away, "That explains a great deal i must say," she continued

Lillian frowned, "explains what?"

"Your scared that Evan hates you.... you care for him and love him, and after everything you think he hates you..."

she didn't think that

she knew it,

"As i said sister, it no longer matters, we cannot go back in time," and that was Lillian reminding herself as well, what happened already happened, there was no going back. and while it hurt painfully now, her pain would leave with time, as everything else will.

"I wish i could get inside your head and see whats making you so godamn blind," Eleanor muttered and then took her seat, they changed subject and with time Eleanor dived in her newest book as Lillian slept through the uncomfortable angle

much time later the carriage halted, as darkness took over the weather, "I swear I think I might faint anymoment, hopefully there is someplace we can freshen up before Kevin sees me and run the opposite way" Eleanor chuckled and Lillian agreed on that, she badly needed a bath and a good meal.

"I surely hope there is, but we both know that smitten prince will embrace you even if you were covered in mud and ashes" Lillian muttered as the carriage door opened by the footman, a very kind man who volunteered to take them here.

"Thank you Smith, do you happen to know anywhere we can freshen up?" Lillian asked as they got off the carriage, the chilling coldness welcoming them even through their layer of clothing and for a split of second Lillian couldn't feel her toes and fingers,

"Indeed there is my lady, allow me to accompany you two," Smith walked over to his horses and tied the reins so they would stay, Eleanors teeth chattered from the cold as she and Lillian walked after the man,

there seemed to be a few houses around the place, very few indeed, and all seemed to be a mile away from each other, "While you ladies wait here i will see inside the cottage,"

"Oh god had i known it would be this cold.... god Kevin better live nearby when we meet him tomorrow,"

"Yes about that..." Lillians teeth were chattering as she couldn't finish her sentence, thankfully Smith gestured his hand for them to enter as an old woman approached them, "oh god young ladies, you must be weary"

"Oh you have no idea" Lillian muttered with a smile as she and her sister entered gratefully, both of them longing to take off their layers of clothing and sink in a hot bath.

Indeed,

Then lillian would face tomorrow.

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