The Wildness Within

With Words 2

Five minutes passed, Gwyn's breathing already deeper, and Augus transferred Gwyn's wrists to a single grip, his own fingers aching at the pressure he was keeping up. He carefully, steadily placed his other hand on Gwyn's chest, feeling the heartbeat. It was slower than usual.

Gwyn frowned down at the hand on his chest.

'What are you doing?' Gwyn said, looking at Augus suspiciously.

'Measuring your heart rate,' Augus said. 'Why? Are you coming any closer to realising that this isn't at all what your family did to you? Do you still think I'm a torturer?'

'Your house smells of fear,' Gwyn said, though the words weren't sharp or poisonous, only matter-of-fact. 'The...place out there most of all. With the chairs and couch and kitchen.'

'Many of my clients are afraid when they come here. Of themselves. Of what they've done. Of not finding what they're looking for. Weren't you afraid that I would say no to you, when you asked me to confine your wrists like that? Well, they are looking for far more than this, and it's not uncommon to be afraid of not getting something you require. What about the other rooms you've been in? The one where I tied you up the first time?'

'You chained me,' Gwyn snarled.

'I did,' Augus said. 'I was underfae, and you tried to kill me.'

'You-' Gwyn's mouth hung open for a few more seconds and then his rebellious expression passed and he looked away. Augus squeezed his wrists together more tightly, and Gwyn exhaled, his head bowed. 'The fear there is different. It's still in the room, but it's...there are other smells.'

'Indeed,' Augus said.

Gwyn looked down at the hand on his chest again. Augus hadn't moved it away. Couldn't bring himself to. He liked feeling the shape of Gwyn's chest beneath his shirt. He wasn't eating enough, needed to put on more weight and fat, but Augus still liked the dip of his sternum, the concave between pectorals.

'You come across like a naïve, innocent thing sometimes,' Augus said, licking his lips. 'But you're not, are you? You've had sex before, as you've said. You've defended yourself from those who would have raped you. You're capable of asking for what you want if pushed to. I understand that making decisions is a hard thing for you, Gwyn. It must be very hard, when you've spent a lot of your life not knowing what sort of pain a decision might lead to. But I like it when you decide something for yourself. This? Now? This is good.'

Gwyn nodded, his hands going limp in Augus' grip. 'No one else talks to me like you do.'

'Do you know how much more I could push this?' Augus said, squeezing his hand around Gwyn's wrists. 'How much more I could do?'

'I saw...some of the things you have in those rooms,' Gwyn said, his voice muted. 'I can...guess.'

'No, you can't,' Augus said flatly. 'You think it's all torture equipment.'

'No- I...' Gwyn screwed his eyes shut and then shook his head abruptly. 'There were ropes. There were things I didn't...that I could see...' He made a sound of frustration and stopped talking. 'You say I'm not stupid. You say I don't have the resilience for this. I remember, Augus. You said that. But...I like it, you keep doing it. You like it. How can you say that I am...that I am resilient in one breath and then...and then not?'

Augus rubbed Gwyn's chest absently, turning the words over in his head. Finally, he sighed, closed his eyes.

'Because it's one thing to be a survivor, Gwyn. It's quite another to know how to deal with-'

'This?' Gwyn said, his hands twitching. 'This? Efnisien never did this. Not for me. Not to help me.'

Augus stared at him. Was it possible that he did understand? Even after he'd looked at Augus with such betrayal when he'd come to after passing out? Augus had assumed that all their progress, all the things they'd talked about at night in this room...that none of it would matter anymore.