Sunken ships

19

We sway to the sound of the music. Slowly we move through the living room. My forehead against his chin and his hands on my waste. He moves his thumbs once in a while trying to make me comfortable being so close to him. And that works. I feel so relaxed and calm. It's just us alone in the room with the music in the background. This moment makes me think back to the time at the flower field. We were as peaceful there as we are now. I do have to admit I feel much more comfortable with him now than I was back then. I know him better now. I've grown fond of him.

Alex moves his head and I lift mine to give him some space. I look into his eyes and see he's already looking at me. I still can't get over how beautiful his eyes look this close. I want to look into them for hours but I probably couldn't because I would shyly look away when he looks back at me. And that's what I do now. I turn my head looking at his shoulder with my cheeks probably red.

"Can I hug you?" He asks breaking the silence.

I look up at him with a partly questionable, partly scared look. Hugging him would mean removing all the space between us. Our chests against each other completely. It's been a long time since I gave someone a real hug. Will I even know how to do it?

Alex waits patiently for my response. That is one of the reasons I am growing fond of him. He gives me time and space when I need it.

Without saying a word I slowly nod my head. He immediately grabs my waist tighter and pulls me against him. He lowers his head to lay his chin on my shoulder. I let out a small gasp as a reaction to him being the closest he has ever been. I need a few seconds to adjust but I soon realize everything is fine. I feel safe. But besides all those good feelings I also feel scared. Scared of those feelings. I don't know what they mean or what I should do with them. I have never felt them for anyone. Definitely not for a man. Is what I am doing okay? Is what I am feeling right? So much uncertainty.

But right at this moment I try to push those scary feelings away and put my arms further around his neck. I feel my heart beating very hard and fast like someone is knocking on the door with a firm fist or someone walking around on the first floor with heavy boots.

"I like being around you, Tommy," Alex whispers in my ear.

A shiver goes through my body and I stop breathing. It seems like Alex notices because he pushes me off him a little bit so he can look at my face.

"Is everything okay? You seem scared. Did I do something wrong? Did I say something I shouldn't?..." He keeps asking what he did wrong and he seems to get more worried than I am right now.

"Alex, Alex. It's okay. You didn't do anything wrong," I interrupt, putting my hand on the back of his neck to reassure him. He gives me a confused look like he didn't expect me to say that.

"I didn't?"

"No, you didn't. Don't worry."

"Then what's wrong?"

I drop my head and arms not knowing what to say to him. He bends down a little bit attempting to look into my eyes.

"Please tell me, Tommy."

How can I not answer this man? He has always been so sweet since we met again. He picks me flowers, surprises me at work, introduced me to his best friend, and even wants to hang out with me.

"I like being around you too. I really do. I like hanging out with you. I immediately wanted to say yes when you asked me to. And how we danced just now, I genuinely felt safe and calm. Like at the flower field with the sun on our faces," I say meeting his eyes again.

"Then what is bothering you?" He asks with a troubled look. He rubs his thumbs on my waist trying to comfort me.

"I- .." I am getting so nervous. I don't know how to explain it to him.