The Edge Of Darkness

Blue

Suggested listening: Jackson Wang - Blue

As much as Jin had tried to pull out some words out of Hwoarang the night before, he failed at every attempt. The Korean just kept sobbing and crying his heart out, inconsolable, breaking Jin's heart in the process. For the first time since they got together, he didn't know what to do, how to make him feel better. Because he didn't know what the problem was, although it seemed pretty clear that it was a huge one.

The morning after it was no better; the morning cuddles were shy from the Korean's part, who seemed to want to be held and lay his head on Jin's chest, his ultimate safe place. The Japanese caressed his lover's hair, his cheeks, his lips; Hwoarang just stood still, eyes closed and eyebrows frowned, enjoying Jin's touch with a hint of pain on his face. Still, no words were spoken, not even at breakfast, when Jin usually had to shut him up, as chatty as the Korean was.

-Do you have a meeting tonight?

-No. In three days. I'm staying home. Train, maybe.

-Oh, okay. I... I have to head to the Zaibatsu tonight. Want to come with?

-No, thanks.

-Maybe tomorrow we can go out for dinner, just you and me. Eun-Jung is having a sleepover at Anri's place, so she won't be home anyway. What do you think? Maybe we can try that Korean restaurant you always say should be good.

-We can eat at home. I'm Korean, I can cook if you want.

-Hwoarang... please, help me out here. I don't know what's going on with you and you won't talk to me. I'm trying everything, but you reject every single idea I put on the table. I'm out of cards.

-Never asked you for anything, did I? They're just... days like this. It will pass. Let me work through that on my own, okay?

Jin sighed, defeated. -As you wish. If you change your mind, you know where to find me.

He kissed Hwoarang on his head, cupping his hands under his chin.

There weren't much interactions between the two that day, then the evening came, and Jin was getting ready to go out.

-So, you're sure you want to stay home?

-Yes, sure.

-I'll be back in a few hours, it won't be long. Call if you need anything.

Hwoarang just tilted his head in response, then went back watching the TV. He looked bored, and sad.

"Sorry, Hwoarang. I'm only lying for your own good. I didn't want to go behind your back, but you leave me no choice".

Jin chose the car over the bike - the weather was starting to get a little cold for a ride, for his standards at least - and drove directly to the A.A. meeting space. He waited for the actual meeting to be over, then went inside and searched for Mr. Hayashi, Hwoarang's counsellor. They had seen each other before and exchanged a few words, but never really talked. When he found him, he greeted him respectfully.

-Mr. Kazama-Seong, what a pleasure to meet you again.

-Mr. Hayashi, the pleasure is all mine. I wanted to have a word with you, if possible.

-But of course, I'll be glad to dedicate you some time. First of all, how is Hwoarang doing?

Jin looked at him quite confused. -I hoped you could tell me that, actually. He hasn't been himself in the last few days and he refuses to talk about it, I was wondering if maybe he shared something here that should worry me.

-First of all, even if he did, I couldn't tell you, Mr. Kazama-Seong, I'm sorry. Confidentiality. But, I haven't seen Hwoarang for months now, so I couldn't say either way.

-...for months?

-Yes. That's why I was asking you if he was okay. Has he fallen into his old habits, perhaps?

-No, I don't think so, I would see and smell it on him. But he said he was coming here every so often each week...

-That's between you and your husband, then. But I can assure you, Hwoarang hasn't been here for a good while.

-Thank you, Mr. Hayashi. You've been... illuminating.

For the first time in his life, Jin broke more than a few speed limits on his way home. His head was racing to a million different reasons why Hwoarang would lie to him about going to the A.A., and every thought was worse than the precedent. When he arrived home, his paranoia had turned into anger, but he promised himself he wouldn't just snap on Hwoarang, or he would close down even worse. No, he would be calm.

He opened the front door, hung his coat, and headed to the living room, where the Korean was still watching TV. He shut it down.

-Hey, I was watching that.

-We need to talk.

-I told you, I don't...

-You didn't go to fucking A.A. meetings all this time. Where the Hell have you been, and with whom, goddammit?

So much for calm.

Hwoarang stood silent for some dozens of seconds. -How did you find out?

-The fuck you care? I went to speak with Mr. Hayashi because I was worried about you. Looks like I should have been more worried about myself instead. Where, and with whom. Is there someone else? Is that why you couldn't even look me in the eyes when we made love yesterday?

-Jin, there's no one else, I can promise you that. But I can't tell you anything. And I won't stop going, either.

-And I should just accept it, like that?

-Yes. That's what I'm asking of you.

-You're not yourself anymore, you break down crying after love, barely speak to me all day, and I should be okay with it and swallow it down?

-I haven't dealt with the whole situation in the best of ways until now. But you have to let me work through it, I swear it will be alright.

-You're unbelievable. You can't leave me hanging like this. Talk to me!

-Shit, Jin, I can't! I motherfucking can't! Don't you think I would have talked already if I could? Please trust me this time, please.

-I have always trusted you. But now, I don't know. Don't know what to say and what to do with... this. You.

-Be my husband, as you always are.

-And meanwhile you? What will you be?

-Your husband. All the same.

"Forgive me, Jin".

-I don't... I don't have the strength to do this anymore tonight. Let's have it your way, Hwoarang. Tomorrow is another day.

Jin went upstairs, while the Korean lingered for a while on the sofa, his head in his hands.

"We have to do something about it, and you know it. It's our turn. They don't know. But we do. It will be mayhem".