At the End of the Day

Chapter 1 No one, Everyone, Someone

No one hates you. Everyone loves you. There is someone out there for you. If I had a penny every time someone says these to me I would be filthy rich.
Now what it should say is: No one cares about you. Everyone hates you, and tge last one I'm not sure. I'll think of something, but true love is not real. I have fell in love three stinkin times, and each time I was broken in two. The beautiful, hot, preps get the guys. They don't love them the way I could have. They are in it to say "Yeah I dated them." It kills me inside so I gave up. At the end of the day they get the guy and I get the scares and bruses.
"Beth...Beth...BETH!" Snap someone is talking to me "Yeah." "Get to work. It's due at the end of class." See what I mean. I get in so much trouble sitting still while Susan, Cole, Quavious, and Blake Knight are talking. Blake Knight, I have had a crush on him for about six years. Talk about dedicated.
For ya'll who don't know my definition of my crush. Grab a pen and paper. It is someone you would do anything for. Change your looks, behavior, anything and at the end when they want nothing to do with you it ends in a Boom, Crash, SPLAT!
"Hey Beth are you finished? Can I copy yours?" Great I was off in outer space. "I'm not done." "Oh." Oh well we have five minutes before we leave I might get half done.
RING.RING.RING. Yes I got it all done. Now lets go find Jill and Kayla. Jill has been my best friend scince 3rd grade. Kayla scince 8th, but we are like sisters.
"Hey Beth." How did I pass Jill? "What have you been up to?"
"Nothing but an awfull weekend." She is quiet, so I kind of see how i did.
"Why is it awfull? You haven't done anything have you?"
Well. Yes but it was just a little."
"Beth. Why? If you need help just call me don't go..."
"Shhh. Don't say it in front of everyone."
"Oh. Sorry I forgot. Meet me in the library after lunch."
"Kay."

"How was your day?"
"Okay."
"That all I get? Okay."
"Yep. What's for dinner?"
"Nothing yet. Go feed the animals."
"Give me a second I just got in from school."
"No! Go do it now. You are going to learn to do what I say and do it when I say it. Got it."
"Yeah sure whatever."
"And don't talk back to me! I'm your mom not some low life."
Gee!! You could have fooled me. Walking out to the animals always gives me time to think, too much.
-Is this all my life is going to be. Do this. Do that. Shut up. Don't talk back. Why can't just one nice looking guy love me. This dirty blonde, blue eyed girl, with some weight.
-Shut up!! You don't believe in love, you stupid idiot.
-I know, but just to imagine a cute guy who loves me. That I could sleep in his arms and just know... that I'm safe. To know I'm loved and cared about...
-You're stupid.
"Hurry up!! Are you almost done?"
"Almost."
"Hurry up!!"
She is right it is almost eight. Time for my day to end, as usual. Going to get my shower I grab my blade. The only thing I can feek now; knowing it wont solve anything. I go over my day. Yelled at. No one to love me. Hate. Pain. Oh enough. Taking the blade and running it over my arm at the top where my shirt should cover it. I watch as the blood pores out slowly. Slapping, streatching, beating. Wanting more blood to flow. I realized what I've done and cut even more places. Slapping and streatching them the same way. I'm finished. Adding the date to my book. I washed the blood off and got my shower.
As I drift off to sleep I knew I could never expect someone to love me if I can't love myself. What a coward. I cry myself to sleep knowing that I'm only getting worse and need help. Too bad I don't know how to get it, I don't want help; I do want help. I can't seem to make up my mind, and I can't go to sleep either. Maybe I should just tell you about my crush life. Yeah. That is interesting.
I have a few things a guy must be before I would think about dating them: 1) They must be taller than me (not that hard cause I'm at least 5'4), 2) They must be older than me, 3) They have to look good, 4) They have to be nice and kind to me and my friends, 5) They can't be nasty (A.K.A. Talk perverted stuff) and that's about it.
Blake Knight. He had light brown shaggy hair. Brown eyes. A very nice natural tan. A nice voice. He was everything I requested except he was a year younger than me. I over looked it because I liked him alot. One day the boy who always rubbed my leg was in I.S.S. (what a relief) and he sat in front of me. We talked a little. He saw Jake touching and rubbing my leg so he told me about that and asked what if he did that. In my mind I would be so happy. "Nothing because I trust you." He was rubbing near my ankles and worked his way up near my knee. He was amazed I did nothing and I told him again that I trusted him. That was the wrong words because he was now at the very top of my leg then pulled away. I felt so cheep and so easy.
About half a year ago I went to South Carolina to help my uncle, aunt, and cousin move. I met Andy Peterson there at their church. Brown eyes. Dark shaggy hair. Pale skin. He was 20 (only 4 years apart from each other) and nice to me. I was changing so many things about me. Becoming a better house wife. Giving ip smoking for good. Stop cutting. I even wanted to start having kids (which is an enormous deal; I hate kids), but two weeks after I left he started dating my 14 year old cousin. That crush didn't last long but it felt like a ton of bricks was dropped on me. I thought I would never love again of course I was wrong.
Logan Brown. Brown bed head hair. Brown eyes. Sexy, oh sexy voice he is two years older than me. The whole time I was hopping we could ve together. I wad doughting that it would ever happen. He wad number three. Zoey messaged him asking what he thought of me only to find out he was with someone else.
Beep.Beep.Beep...Beep.Beep.Beep. I must have fallen asleep. That is a good thing I assume scince I had a rough day yesterday. I have to get ready for school, even though I don't want to. No test. Teeth brushed. Hair fixed. I'm out the door. I got half way to the stop and turned back. I forgot my d.o. and perfume. Can't go stinking.
On the bus me and Zoey were talking she had a bad day too. She just broke up with Bradly and even though she was misreabale with him now he is just blaming her for his problems with his other girl friends. Yes our lives are very complicated. That is why we cut. It sort of soothes the nerves a little. Also drives me insane but everything does that to me.
We have been trying to keep clean of cutting as long as possible, but it is just to hard. It is not simple to just stop. If you ever go through it you may understand. Not that I wish it on anyone.
I really hate the kids at school because they don't know it, but their actions lead me deeper and deeper to the lusting after death. Wanting it so badly and maybe even take a few with me. I really should not call it lust per say but they make me want it really bad at times.
This is the exact behavior I was trying to avoid. Try and be loving, kind, gental, and all that other lover generous heart warming junk. It is just tol hard. What do I do?
"Hey Beth. I wad wonderimg if you would like to go with me..."
"No Adam. She does not want to. Just leave her alone."
"Yeah Adam leave her alone. Youvhave pretty much stalked het scince you met her." (Which is about 11 years) chimed in June.
"Thanks you guys."
"No problem. He needs to leave you alone anyway. You know what you need. A boy friend."
"I told you I have given up on love."
"No but listen. If you have a boy friend maybe he will move on and leave you alone."
"No one but him is willing to date me. I'm too hateful to love anyone and not get into a fight everytime we are together."
"I'll make you a deal. If I find someone who is cute and meets all kf your standards will you at least give it a try, and start to date?"
"Maybe, but I'll do the looking with you and you can say yes or no. Wether or not you like them for me. Deal."
"Deal."
I can make the stupidest deals ever but nine times out of ten they never happen. We may never find this guy that would be perfict for me and the truth is it might be safer for him if we didn't.