At the End of the Day

Chapter 9 Plus and minus

   I know I can't stand Peter but he can actually be a nice guy at times. I don't trust him but I do appreciate him at times. I strained my back last week and he gave me a back rub. I was scared and tence to begin with but eventually I calmed down and relaxed.

   Weeks passed. One minute we are okay and getting along fine and the next we can't stand each other. Back and forth, back and forth. Just like a couple some folks would say.

   I had to stay out of work today because I'm sick with a frever and puking. The puking is not a big issue because I'm pregnate. Peter decided to stay home and take care of me. He sat beside me putting a rag on my head to try and calm the fever. It lasted for weeks. I started to get worse. I was getting really bad cramps. Peter finally decided it was best for me to go to the doctor.

   At the doctor's office they told me there is a good change I'll loose the baby. For me not to want children but am expecting a child from a man I dislike, I was heart broken. I though I would be relieved. Peter was very upset. He really wanted a child. His first time round he never got the chance to even try and now on his second chance he was loosing a baby according to the doctors. I felt bad for him.

   It was not long after when I did loose the baby. It was a little girl. I was five months along.

"Samantha. That will be my baby girls name." Peter said through tears.

"Why Samantha?"

"That was the name of my little sister."

"What happened to her?"

"She died from some kind of sickness when she was five."

   I can't help but feel that Samantha's death was my falt I should not have drank or smoked while I was pregnate with her. I killed my baby.

   The doctors left me and Peter alone to cry and morn over the loss of our baby. When Josh comes back I'll let him know. If he ever does come back.

   We went home and sat in silence. I know that Peter wanted to try for another baby but didn't want to ask because he promised nothing would happen. I'm still holding onto Josh coming back. Yeah he's been gone for about four months but I can't give up on him. I know he will come home to me. It should be any time now that he will come walking through that door. I just know he will.

   Peter poured a glass "You want some? You're not pregnate any more so it doesn't matter."

"Yeah. Thanks." He grabed another glass and poured some in mine. I grabed my smokes.

"You want one?" I offered.

"Why not?" he grabed one and I lit it for him then lit mine.

"I was really excited about being a father. Now all my dreams have been shot."

"I'm sorry. What do we do now?"

"I don't know let me drink on that."

We went through the whole bottle and started on another before he came up with an answer. He was drunk by now so whatever he says he might not really mean.

"I've got it." he is sitting on the couch with me. He leans over puts his arm around me and kisses me with all the hope and love he has left in him. I pushed him away and in a moment he snapped out of it.

"I'm sorry. I know I told you I wouldn't.  I don't know what got into me. I'm sorry."

"You're drunk that is what it is. I'm no better but not that bad. We need to rest now before any thing else happens that we might regret."

"Okay. You are right. Good night."

   I got a visit from Kayla

"Hey Beth how have you been lately?"

"I've been better. Peter named the baby Samantha after she died." I could feel tears in my eyes just thinking about her.

"The baby died? I heard some talk but I didn't believe it."

"Yeah. She died. I was heart broken. I can tell Peter wants another go. I'm waiting on Josh though. What do I do Kayla?"

"Beth I'm not trying to destroy your last bit of hope but Josh has been gone for almost six months now. There is a great possibility he won't come back."

"Remember that book I read and afterwards I told you I wanted a baby?"

"Yeah..." she paused knowing what I was going to say. "You still want to have a child, but with Josh."

"Yes but how can I when he is not here with me anymore?"

"Beth Johnson would love to have a child too. You know as well as I do that Josh wanted you to move on if the right person came along. You should try again with him. We both know he would be thrilled to try again."

"I know but I still can't trust him."

"Give it time and you might learn to trust him. Maybe even love him."

"But I..." she cut me off.

"Don't give me that we all know yoy don't love him. We know it and so do you."

"You're right." I felt so ashamed. I meant the world to him and I didn't even give him a second glance. How awful am I really inside? We talked a little longer before she left.

   I can't take it any more. I grabed my bag and placed some things in there. I poured a glass of liquor before I left.

"I'm going out Peter don't wait up for me."

"Where are you going?"

"Don't worry." I replied and walked out the door.

   I finally got to the lake where I sat to drink, smoke, and cut.

"I'm sorry Josh but I can't take it. I lost you. I lost Samantha. I just can't..." by now tears were flowing from my eyes."I can't take it any more. Please forgive me."

   I walked over to and old oak that had big strong branches and a big rock beside it. I pulled a rope out of my bag and tied it to a branch. I stood on the rock, pulled the rope around my neck. "I'm sorry Josh. I love you." I stepped off. Wanting to strangle myself rather than break my neck.

   I looked as I saw the world from above. I remember the first time my heart was broken by my crushes. How my family is broken. The first time I saw Josh. I renember what Peter did to me but how he said "I truly love you." I remember meeting Rachiel my new boss.

   I really do have people who love me. Oh no. What have I done? I could see a figure running up to me before I blacked out. It's over. I'm dead. What an idiotic cowardly move I made. Now it's time to pay the price.

   I left Jill with the though of, "Maybe I could have done more to help her." I left Zoey alone. I was one of the few people who understood her. I left Kayla a bad example. It was my falt she changed into one of us. What if Josh is still out there? I've left my true love. And Peter, he has just lost another Heather all over again. He really does love me. I'm just having a hard time seeing it is all. I'm a selfish stupid girl. I never think ahead and now look where it has got me. I can see it now. People surrounding my lifeless body asking the questions, "Why did she do it? or Why did I not see it?" I wonder who will find me? They will be so heart broken.

   It wont be long before I'm in the morge with other bodies. Peter will have to take care of the funeral. I'm pretty sure not many people will be there. Kayla and Chirs, Zoey and Arron, Jill and Mark, Carla, Tina, Elliot and maybe Wesley, Rachiel and whoever she brings, Peter of course, and maybe some odd random people. If Josh is still alive he will be there if not beside me.

   That is it I want to be barried next to Josh under the willow tree like the song 'Whiskey Lallaby'  says

   I should have wrote a note before I died. That would have been smarter. Wait. No! How about not doing it period. That would have been a better answer to this problem but no it never happens the way I want it to happen. Some people just can't have a happy ending.

   I feel like I'm in a hospital with Peter by my side. What a wonderful feeling. Knowing some one is here for me...am I really dead? I have to be. No one knew where I was going. Peter was never there or even knows where the lake is. Does he? What's going on? I know I'm dead.

"Doc. I think she is waking up." Doc? Am I really in a hospital? And was that really Peter's voice I just heard?