At the End of the Day

Chapter 3 Testing our relationship

We have a fall break which means I have to stay at home pretty much. I hate it, but I can at least text Josh which is still okay.
"I'm sick and tired of your mess! You either straighten up or I'm through!" And this is what I'm left with.
"I have done nothing but be there for you. Everything you have I either get or provide it for you!"
"What!? I want you to repeat that."
"No. I wont."
"Good because you know that is a lie!"
"I do all the work around here!"
"If you can do that from the couch on your phone then you are lying again!"
"I do alot more than what you think!"
"Just stop! I'm giving you until January to make up your mind." That is about three and a half months. What will happen to me? No stop. Don't interfear just stay in here. Text Josh, don't do anything stupid. Wait I have a text. From who? Josh. I read it, it said, "hey nothin happened but Im just depressed can we talk?"
"Hey. Sorry:( Im havin a bad day 2 i just saw the txt wat up?"
"I miss u i wish we were 2gether right now. Mayb under the willow."
"Me 2. My parents r fighting & in 3 1/2 months they mayb splittin."
"Oh! Im sorry. I wish i was there 4 u. U know if u have no where 2 go u can live w/ me :)"
"I just might take u up on that offer lol." Me living with a guy. The one I'm dating. I wonder how well that will go.
I heard the door slam shut. Dad must be leaving to go some where. I looked out my bedroom door. No my mom did. This is strange.
"Beth. Can you come here? I need to talk to you." For some reason fear was filling inside me. What does he have to tell me I wonder? I sat in the chair and listened.
"I don't know if you have been listing to us just now or not."
"No not really."
"Well your mother has just decided to leave she is going now." I should be sad but really I was some what thrilled. I don't have to deal with her garbage and them fighting what seems like all the time. He continued talking, "We all know and so do you unfortunatly, that she does not want you." Now that hurt, yes I know.
"So you will be staying with me."
"I know." It makes it easier because they wont be fighting over who gets to have me, but she, my own mother, does not want me.
"I have to study for some really big tests with some friends. Do you mind if I go?"
"Sure. Will you be okay?"
"Yeah. I'll see you later."
"Okay. Just be safe, and good luck."
I really just asked Zoey to come and told Josh to meet us at the mall.
When he came I went with him and left Zoey at the mall. She needed to shop anyways. We went to the lake. All I could do was cry. He held me the whole time.
"I know she never wanted me. I know it should not be bothering me. Scince I knew it for a long time, but my own mom doesn't want me."
"It's okay. I know that it hurts you, and you have the right to be upset."
We sat there, me leaning on him and he is leaning on the tree. He was rubbing my hair and I went to sleep for a little while. When I woke up it was five and we started to head back to the mall to meet with Zoey; just to sit on a bench and talk. Walk around a little. Nothing really important. I study a little just so I didn't lie to my dad. Josh drove me back home at 5:30. "I love you. If you need me just text." He kissed my hand, and as I always do I pressed it to my cheek. "I will. Love you." I walked in the door and he was gone.
My sister brought her baby over the next day. I don't know why other than I hate the dad is why I hate the baby. I felt out of place at my grandma's. They told me I didn't have to hold him. My dad held the baby and loved him so much clearly. It was now when I realized how bitter I really am. I sat in silence. Un self pitty. How pethetic was this. I have someone who loves me, but he ia not here with me. No this I have to deal with.
I went home to try and calm down, but I only got worse. I wanted to be dead. I went to the shower and decided to cut. I felt so numb. So alone. So un-understood. I cut and cut. The blood was flowing when I realized what I had done. I still have people I care about. I have to hold on for them. I have to stay strong for now. I have to talk to Josh tomorrow.
I went to the lake by myself just to think. I got a call. It was Josh. Why is he calling? I'm thrilled though.
"Hey were are you at? I'm at our place I need to talk to you."
"Come to my house. I need you." It sounded like he was in pain.
"Are you okay? What's wrong?"
"Just hurry. " Click. I hurried to his house. Strange I've never been there. How do I know where he lives?
I walked through the door and saw him proped up against a chair.
"Josh! What happened?" The tears were at the edge of getting ready to poor out of my eyes.
"I could not take it I was misreable."
"What? What is making you misreable? Please tell me." His arms near his wrists were cut. I saw a bottle of pills empty next to him.
"I love you. I'm sorry..." I was crying now because there was nothing I could do.
"Can you do something for me?"
"Yes anything."
"Come close to me." I scooted next to him where I was sitting beside him leaning against him.
"You have been the only female I have ever truly loved. I have loved you more than I thought I was capable of. I want you to know that you did nothing and this is not your falt. The only way I want to spend my last moments is you in my arms and if it is okay with you can I..." "Yes." I leaned in to kiss him. All of a sudden I felt him let me go. I looked down at him. His face was lifeless he was dead.
"No! No! Come back to me! Don't leave me!" I hugged him and I refused to accept he was gone.
"Hey Beth. Are you going to wake up anytime soon? The bus will be here in fifteen minites." Wait. What? It was all a dream?
"Yeah. Yeah. I'm up." I can't let that happen to either of us I have to talk to him. Tell him about this dream.
On the bus I told Zoey about it.
"You should definatly tell him about that dream."
"I'm going to tell him. Before I went to sleep." I pulled my sleaves up to show my cuts. "I cut myself. I was afraid that it was going to end badly so I stopped."
"Beth!"
"I know. Please just understand. I was mad, misreable, and really bitter. The reason was because of a baby."
"Look I know that if you really want to die. I will... you know let you die as you want. Just know it will be very very sadening to me. I will miss you, and if you need someone to talk to. I know you have Josh, but I'm also here for you too."
"I know. Thank you."
I looked and looked for Josh, and I could not find him. This was starting to scare me. Did my dream really happen? No I can't think that. I called him.
"Josh were are you? Are you okay? Why are you not here?"
"Hey hey slow down. I'm sick with a cold. Is everything okay with you? You sounded very worried."
"I'm fine now. Can we talk sometime or are you not feeling to good?"
"I'm always up to talking to you. I'll tell you what we'll meet at the willow after school is out. Okay."
"Yeah. I love you . See you soon."
"Love you too. Bye." We hung up. I was releaved that he was fine. Well fine alive, but sick. That's not to good.
"So how is he?"
"He is fine. Just sick with a cold. Come on let's go eat Zoey."
After school I headed to the willow where I found him.
"Hey. You wanted to talk? What's up?" He sounded really sick, coughing alot. That didn't stop me from sitting right next to him.
"I had a dream." This was some how not going to be easy for either of us.
"I take it that it was not good."
"I was sitting here under the willow alone when you called. I went over to your house to find you had cut your wrists and took almost a whole bottle of pills." He did not look too happy instead sad. "I knew you were dying. I didn't know why you did it, but you asked me to come close to you. You told me it was not my falt and that you loved me. The only way you knew how to prove it was to spend your last moments with me. You started to ask if you could kiss me, but I interupted with a yes and leaned in and kissed you. I felt you let go of me when I looked at you you were dead."
"I promise you that as long as we are together I will never take my life. I will not cut either." I was happy to hear that.
"That's not all. Before I went to sleep I cut myself. I was angry over a baby. I know it is stupid but I hate him and his father. I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do any more."
"It's okay we'll get through this togther. I'll be there for you no matter what." he said with a smile as he wipped a tear coming from my eye.
"You have to promise me two things."
"What? Anything."
"Try not to cut and tell me a little about your past." Aww that is not hard.
"I will. From now on I will stop cutting for you. And as for the past you are in luck my dad is at work until late tonight. My mom is gone now."
Telling him my past is not going to be that complicated or at some points good. Believe it or not I wasva very good girl before I became this. No problems at all. Nothing to complain about. I was satisfied with myself anyways. That's all that mattered right?