At the End of the Day

Chapter 2 The Deal is Fufilled

We have a substitute teacher. He is about my height. Black shaggy hair. Eyes that looked brown but are really green. Pail complection, and a soft voice that stays the same no matter what. There is something about him that is drawing me to him. I just can't figure it out yet. "Beth..." Zoey nudged me in the arm. "He is cute. What about him?"
"The sad thing is I am thinking about him. He's only 23. That's not so bad is it?"
"No not really. Wait you really do like him?"
"Yes. Okay. I really do like him happy?"
"Yes!"
Great things have gone from bad to worse now I'm in "love" with a teacher that is not so far out of my league.
"So how should I do it?"
"I don't know... Oh wait message him and secretly talk to him."
"Okay and how do I start off talking to him?"
"Um... Uh. Ask him how he is or something like that."
"Okay."
I got home and found the teacher whose name is Josh. Sexy name right. RIIGGHHTT... So just start with a question. He did know my brother I'll start there. Always the best place to start with me sad but true.
"Hey. I was told u know my brother Louis & I was just wondering if u do?" Send. I waited for hours and was about to give up when I recieved a message from him. Wow!
"Yeah I know him. He was pretty cool. I didnt know he had a sister though. Wat is ur name I might remember."
"Beth Morris."
"Ya'll must have different dads cause his last name is berger."
"Yeah. U r 1 of the few who figured that 1 out on ur own."
"Y? They must ask y ya'lls names r different. The last name any ways."
"Yep. All the time. Most of the time when ppl c us 2gether they think we r a couple."
"U must look nothing alike."
"U got it."
"Well ill b the judge. Send me a pic & ill let u know wat I think."
Wow send him. The really cute guy a picture of me. I need to make sure it is a really good one of me and not awful. I picked the one that was me and the wind was blowing my hair a little. Looking off from the camara and my pail complection looks really good in it too. It also brings out my blue eyes very well.
"No absolutly not. U could do much better than him lol. No offense."
Did he just call me beautiful? Was he flirting with me? Oh I could go on forever asking questions that I can't answer, but I know who can. Zoey and Kayla the "love experts".
"Um...Thanks I guess.'
"I meant it as a complenent. Not an insult."
"Oh I know. Got to go and get ready for 2morrow. C u later. Maybe."
"Oh. Ok. Bye."
Well that went about as well as I planed which was awful. I'm no good at love. I just need to wait until I can talk to Zoey and Kayla and tell them the conversation and see what they think of ir. Of course they are going to say "awww, he likes you." In reality he was probably just being nice to me. That happens alot. Jake the guy Blake saw touching my leg... he was acting so nice to me just to get as far as I would let him go. To bad it was not as far as he wanted. I don't care I live my life to please me not others. It's cheaper for them, no profit, but "happiness" for me.
It's sad that I know what they may or may not say, but if it were true that would be different. Great another day waisted by my day dreaming. It's sad that the only interesting things that happen to me is my puthetic excuse of a "love life", really it's a fantasy of what I wish love was for me.
In the shower I feel hollow, empty inside, and what is the medicine I take for that illness? Cutting. Yes cutting is my drug. I don't know why though. Maybe because I can feel it. I know it's real, and it is always there when I want it. Sad but true. Twisted but it is one thing I can understand. I hate myself afterward but hey got to fit in with the crowd every now and then. If not I would be alone and left behind forever.
Sleep. Yes sleep. I need some
My life as you know is so tiresome. No boy friend for my love life. Well no I take that back cutting is my boy friend. I pretty much have built my whole life around it any way. Yes that is it cutting. We make a wonderful team. Riiggghhhttt... I really don't like the term cut in public. "Hey guys I cut myself yesterday." Great topic sentence to say in the mall. Absolutly Not.
Lets put ip a drawing board here a minute:
1) I cut
2) I love watching the blood
3) Hate what I've become
4) Want more blood though
5) Not many people know about this issue
6) I keep it hidden in the dark
You see it cause I sure do; the best corny thing to call it would be a vampire. Think about it they love blood. Hate what they are every now and then. Keep their secret between a few people; keeping it from the world. I even have a group. Zoey, Kayla(unfortunatly), and me. Congrats a trio of vampires running around, more are sure to join our pack. I wonder if Josh cuts too. Maybe that is why I feel such a pull to him. Maybe he is my way out of this darkness; to finally be happy. Well can't hang on to maybe, if, could, and all the other things that are not true and may never happen. Just make it till tomorrow and ask Zoey what she thinks about Josh's conversation with me.
I was outside waiting for the bus when Zoey walked up. I knew something was off with her.
"What is wrong Zoey?"
"My best friends who are now my ex best friends are starting stuff with me and I'm tired of it." Now is definatly not the best time to ask her what she thinks.
"You want me to hang with you when they were supose to?"
"Yeah. If you don't mind." J could tell they had crossed the line big time.
We got to school and they were tauting her trying to get a reaction from her. I don't go where I'm not needed, and I could tell she had everthing under control so I went to find Kayla while she took care of her bussiness. Before I could find Kayla I ran into Josh.
"Hey. Can we talk after school's out? Maybe at the gas station across from here."
"Yeah. I just need to tell my mom I have to stay after school today."
"That's fine. If she can't pick you up or would rather not I could... You know drop you off."
"Okay. Thanks." Kayla had just walked up when he left.
"What was that about?"
"He just wanted to talk to me. After school."
"Awww. How sweet."
"It's not like that I don't think. Oh and I need some help. I'll talk to Zoey about it later when I find the time, but here read our conversation I had with him. Tell me what you think." She reads it all. She also enjoyed it too much.
"Awww. You're in love. He's going to ask you out girl, and if you say no I'll beat you."
"I won't say no. Do you think I'm crazy? And I really dought that that is what he is going to talk to me about."
"Uhuh" I could hear the disbelief in her voice that she did not believe for one second that I believed what I just said, okay I really hope he is the one for me, but to be fair to him he is better off without me. It kills me to admit that even to myself.
The day was a blure, ready to hear what he has to say. The suspense is killing me.
"Hey mom. I have to stay after school and get a little extra help for biology."
"Well you could have said something before now."
"I know I forgot."
"Well how are you going to get back?"
"I'll bring her home." Said Josh assuringly and without heasitating either. That really impressed me that he actually went along with my lie.
"Okay then. Be sure she is back in time to do her chores."
"Yes mam. I'll do that."
I hung up and just looked at him waiting for an explination.
"How long were you listening to me?"
"Long enough to know just where to step in and tell her I'll bring you home." he said with a smile. He has a very cute smile actually.
"So what did you want to talk to me about?"
"Yesterday did I say something that may have made you mad or uneasy?"
"Ummm... No not really do you mind explaining your true definition of what you meant in those messages." I could tell he did not get what I just said because I bearly did.
"Explain what you meant to me in your messages."
"Oh. Okay. What is there you don't get." He pulled out his phone and went through all his messsges to me.
"What part do you need some help understanding?"
"The part where you said 'Well I'll be the judge. Send me a pic & I'll let u know wat I think',from there on."
"Well the truth is I wanted to.." did he really want to tell me, was it that bad? Oh well just wait and see I guess.
"I wanted to see what you looked like no harm in that is there?"
"No, and the next one after that."
"Oh. Okay. Ummm... that one. Yeah. I just said you looked nothing like him that's all."
"Then why did you say you could do better than him lol?" I could tell he really did not want to explain that part. I just don't know why though.
"Oka. Fine. Yes I called you pretty. I know that I'm not your type either. You probably go for the pretty boys. I just didn't want to go right out and say it." He really looked embarrised, but wait did I just hear him right. He likes me. What do I do? What do I say? Whatever comes out my mouth will have to do.
"No I don't really like the popular boys or pretty boys as you call them. They are to rude and sometimes nasty. Yeah I like you too, but I like you alot." We stood there in silence for a little bit. Taking in everything that has just happened. He likes me, I like him. Now what?
"So what do we do now. I know that you like me and I like you. Do we just talk the rest of the time before you have to take me home?"
"I don't know. I don't see why we can't just... well you know... be a couple." I could still tell he was unsure weather or not I was really serious about liking him, and uncomfortable talking about it. He was still looking down when I replied,"I would love that, but couldn't you get in trouble because you're a teacher and I'm a student?"
"We don't have to let anyone know about us." With a smile on my face I said, "Okay." He took my hand with a smile on his face and we went to his car and headed to the mall.
"So scince you are now my boy friend tell me a little about yourself." That sounded weird coming out of my mouth to another person and it being serious.
"Well I'm 23. I work as a sub. not teacher. I'm in love with the beautifulest girl I have ever seen." The last sentence he looked over and smiled that big cute smile that could only melt my hard heart.
"I'm serious. Like..." I had to think. "Like a secret. I'll tell you mine as well. And it's okay if you don't want to now." I looked at the clock we have about another hour left.
"Is it okay with you if we skip the mall and go somewhere else?"
"Yeah sure like where?"
"You'll see." he said with anothet one of those smiles.
The weird thing is I just met him and started talking to him today. I know that I should not have just trusted him this easy, but I do. I don't even know why.
We got to a lake surrounded by trees. Near the lake was a weaping willow. The water was clearish. I had always wanted th have a place that looked just like this near my home when I get older. Just to go think to feel peaceful somewhere.
"It's beautiful."
"You really think so?"
"Yes. I have always wanted to live near something like this just to run to and sit under the willow and look out at the lake and watch the sun set and the moon rise."
"Come with me." I followed him under the willow to find a blanket under there.
"I come out here every now and then. Usually for three reasons."
"What is that?"
"One when I just need time to think. Two when something special happens. Like you." he said gently nudging me. I gave a slight laugh and then asked "what is the third?" The look on his face worried me a little.
"Here is my first secret." I could tell it was big enough to make him very uneasy.
"Please don't tell anyone or judge me."
"I promise."
He pulled up his sleaves to show the scares. Emediate shock fell upon me. What I felt was the pull of me to him was true. He is a cutter. I said nothing. I could tell the quietness was bothering him by the look of depression and feeling so small had completly covered his face and all I could think was I knew it but did I really want to be right about this.
"Please say something. I know it's a sign of weakness in the eyes of some people but.. they just..."
"Don't understand." We said together and it caught his attention. I pulled up my sleaves to reveal my marks. I saw relief can upon his face followed by sadness. I knew why sadness was there. He and I both know that this could lead to our deaths if it got out of control. The only response was our embracement of holding/hugging each other.
"I'm sorry that you are like this, but I'm glade you understand me through it."
"Me to. I have waited so long for a man to come into my life and understand me but also to just love me for me and not block me out, because of my cutting." I knew from here on out we were going to be talking more because of our conection. I also knew that we were meant to be together.
"I had better be taking you home now."
"Yeah before my mom goes crazy."
On the ride home we were holding hands.
"So how does this work I know I'm not going to have anyone ask me out any time soon. But you, you are a beautiful girl. What do you want? To pretend we are still single or what?"
"No. I would just tell them I'm in a relationship right now and that's the end of that. Is that what you want?"
"If it is good with you then it is cool with me." We were in my drive and before I got out he said, "I love you. See you tomorrow." And kissed me on the hand.
"I love you too." And took the hand he kissed and placed it to my cheek.
I like the fact that he is not pushing a kiss on the lips first "date", because hopefully he wont be like most males driven to get what they can and leave. That is another reason why I love him.
Before I got to the door steps I looked back to see him waving at me good-bye. I waved back and opened the door to the house.
As usual my parents are in a big argument. What over this time I wonder? You know what I have just had a good day I don't care. Trying to keep out of listening to their fighting and some how getting pulled into ut I ducked in my room quickly, but not quick enough.
"Where were you at all this time?"
"I told you I was studing at school."
"No you did not tell me no such thing!" I hate it when she lies like that I just have to listen most of the while she takes all her anger out on me.
"Stop yelling at her like that! She did tell you because I heard her talking to you over the phone." Thanks dad!
"Beth go do your chores while me and your mother have a little talk." Oh man I hate that. It is going to be an awful night. "Yes sir."
They have not been getting along too well lately. It happens every now and then but this time it is only lasting longer and alot more harshly. They seem to never be happy in the same room any more. That is why if they are in the same room I try to get around not to be in there.
After all my chores and home work is done I try to find something to do over through them still arguing. I got out my CD I had payed eleven dollars for. (Yes I know CDs are old but I just love them.) Back before I cut I would put in the CD and fall asleep to it. It was one oc Christian Kane's CDs with the songs he sang. I've been trying to find more of his CDs but have yet to suceede.
I looked at the clock it was time to get a shower. Ever though i had a good day. Got a boy friend. Spent time with him. Shared our true identity (being a vampire). It was still destroyed by them fighting like they do. I was just so mad it felt as if I would explode, but I didn't. I just do what I do best cut. Take it out on me. Right now that is all I know how to channel my anger. I'll talk to Josh tomorrow and see how he thinks we should handle this. Tell each other every time we cut. Call one another before we do. What? I don't know. I'm living here and now, and right now Josh is not with me. Which hurts even more.
As the blood flowed I felt so alone if I could just make it until I see Josh I'll be okay. I just know it. The hurt and pain I cause myself is sad and depressing. Oh how I wish he were here. He could hold me like he did under the willow. I go back to that memory. I relive it over and over until this spell passes where I'm in full blood lust phase.
I belong, he loves me. I'm happy and truly happy. Oh no. I caught myself before I went to sleep. I got my shower. Crawled into my bed and thought about Josh. Can all thisbbe real? Am I really his girl friend? Tomorrow will come and I will see how he acts and know if it is real.
The next morning on the bus I told Zoey I have a very big suprise for her tomorrow. I assume it would be okay to tell a few close friends that are actually more like sisters that me and Josh are together. I don't want to take any chances though. So we just talked about our books that we are writting. I really want to be known as a musician, artist, or a writer. Right now writting is all I really have time for. I want the people to really know the true me, but I also want it to be interesting to so I guess my book is really going to be a fantasy-biographty or something like that. I read her's, she reads mine. We give each other advice about what could happen next or later on in the book. Tell each other what we like about it and everything.
I got to first period which is spahish and you could guess that Josh was my sub. It was a little strange I had to call him by his last name which was not that bad. I also had to keep up with my role of crushing on him to my friends to make it not noticable. Which was a little hard I had to do it when he was looking in another direction. When the bell rang I looked back at Josh and smiled, my way of secretly telling him "love you." He smiled back and I was out the door.
The day was forever long every one talking making it so stressful and I realized I can't stay after school everyday to spend time with him. I have to hang out at the mall with friends and get him to come which would require them knowing so he shouldn't mind me telling at least three people that wont tell. After I finished my math, that I'm really good at, I had more time to think only three more periods and I'm free to talk to him. I was talking to Mark, Jill's boy friend, in fifth period hopping that the last two would go b faster. The sad thing is that they didn't. Each clasd seemed longer each time.
"Beth...Yo hoo Beth. Any one home...Beth!"
"Sorry. I was just thinking, and I'm really tired too."
"Oh. Must have been really important." Ohhh. You have no idea.
"What period are we in now?" To be honest I have not really payed much attention.
"It's seventh. Are you okay? You seem to be miles away in your mind."
"Yeah. I..." RING.RING.RING.
Yes. "You what?"
"Oh nothing Jill." Off to find Josh really quick. He was waiting at the door of the school. To keep up the apperance that we have no real contact with each other. He walked out the door before me and waited at the gas station. I got in his car once I made it over there.
"Hey I got to talk to you."
"Okay I'm listening to you."
"We can't keep meeting after school it will get to noticable."
"So where do you think we should meet?"
"I could tell my mom I'm hanging out with some friends at the mall."
"What if she comes to the mall and just sees me?"
"That's the big thing I have to talk to you about. Do you mind if I tell just three people about us. I promise they wont tell any one."
"No I don't mind as long as you know they wont. What about me could I tell some people I know wont tell?"
"Yeah sure I don't mind." We rode back to the lake where our 'first date' was. Then I remembered that I had to talk to him about last night.
"Hey yesterday was wonderful."
"I know right it was the best I've felt in forever."
"Yeah me too, but when I got home my parents were fighting. I felt so frustrated and angry. I cut myself last night." He held me close and just said, "I understand. I'm here for you any time you need me."
"So what do we do about the next time one of us feels the urge to cut?"
"Call before and just talk. If we can't call at the time hold it off as long as possible. Which for me is not long at all."
"Same here. I tried to fight it. The only thing that stopped me was remembering how safe I felt when you were holding me in your arms." I saw his smile just before he kissed me on the hand. We headed back about half an hour before my chores needed to be done. Things went pretty smoothly when I came home which was good. Got everything done and went to sleep. These are the days I love.
"Beth what is the suprise!?"
"Me and Josh are together."
"Awwww! Yes! I knew it would happen."
"You can't tell anyone though. Only you, Kayla, and Jill can know. It makes it safer to keep it a secret. He could lose his job and get in trouble for dating a student."
"Oh I promise I wont."
"So we will meet up in the mall to hang out so I can see him as well."
"That's cool with me."
I told Kayla and Jill when I saw them they were thrilled and also promised not to tell. I knew they would not tell though. I also knew that there would be days that I could not see him to keep this new life of mine a secret for Josh's safty and a little of mine too. So today I went straight home; only seeing him at school.