If I Feel I Want To Die

Chapter 3

It had been a few days since Ayan had confronted Yok. He wasn't doing well. He knew he couldn't tell anybody that Akk was still alive. He knew he had to stay silent. Ayan couldn't ruin Yok's life. So Ayan did what he does best. He isolated himself. He hid off in his bedroom all day and night. Only ever leaving if he was forced to.

His mother often brought him meals but due to his anxiety he could barely eat a few bites before feeling sick to his stomach. Ayan knew his mother was worrying about him but his mind was too focused on Yok. He needed Yok in his life but he didn't know how to get him back.

"Aye your mom just left for work. She said you have to eat something today." Khan said as he stepped into Ayan's room.

"I've been eating. My anxiety is just making it hard to eat enough." Ayan mumbled.

Khan sat next to Ayan. They were quiet for a while as Ayan tried to avoid looking at Khan.

"It's around that time again... Is that why you are so anxious?" Khan asked.

Ayan shook his head. He didn't want to talk about that day. Even though now he knew Akk was alive thinking about that day he found Akk's note made him panic. Ayan could remember it so vividly. He had always went to that cliff after Dika had committed suicide. As strange as it was he found comfort being at the cliffs when he was emotionally distressed. When he found the note all he could was sit on the ground and cry. He didn't know how long he was there but Wat and his mother showed up and had to drag him away from the cliff because he was ready to jump.

"I miss Akk." Ayan whispered more to himself.

"I know... We all miss him..." Khan said." But I think Akk would want you to take care of yourself. I think he'd want you to live."

Ayan could feel himself start to cry. He hated when Khan would start talking like this. He hated how everyone tried to tell him that Akk would want him to live. The thing was that Ayan didn't want to live. He hadn't wanted to live since the day Akk left him. Even now knowing that Akk was alive Ayan still didn't want to live.

"One day it'll be easier to deal with." Khan said.

"I don't want to do this anymore..." Ayan said quietly." I just want to be with Akk..."

Khan looked at Ayan in slight shock. As far as Khan knew Ayan had been getting better. He wasn't as depressed or anxious. He wasn't wanting to die. But now that he was talking to Ayan he realized that he had been lying to everyone about his mental health.

"Ayan are you suicidal?" Khan questioned.

Ayan didn't say anything as he got up and began to get dressed. He tried to ignore Khan but he wouldn't leave him be.

"Ayan don't make me call somebody to take you to the psych hospital again." Khan said.

Ayan turned to face Khan while still crying. Khan saw in Ayan's hands was one of Akk's shirts.

"You want an honest answer? Yes I'm still suicidal. I won't go back to the hospital though." Ayan said." I'm done with this. I'm done with being treated like I'm some ticking time bomb."

"You know we are only watching you this closely because you've been self harming and attempting to end your life." Khan said.

"I don't need to be watched!!! I just want to be alone!!!" Ayan screamed.

Ayan ran out of the bedroom and to the kitchen. He began to dig around in the drawers looking for one of the sharp knives. Ayan had managed to get a hold of a knife he had hid under the other utensils. Without much thought he began to cut himself. He was so focused on trying to get something to use to hurt himself with that he didn't even hear Wat come behind and restrain him.

"Khan we have to take him to the hospital! I'll call to let his mom know what's going on." Wat shouted over Ayan's screaming and crying.

Ayan did his best to get away from Wat. He tried so hard to get away. He tried to scream at Wat and insult him. He tried to hurt Wat in the hopes he'd be let go of. But despite all his efforts Wat didn't let go of him. Ayan ended up just crying and saying how he wanted Akk.

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"How is he Wat?" Khan asked.

They'd been in the hospital for thirty minutes at this point. There was currently no psych hospital that had an available bed for Ayan so they had to wait in the ER for a bed to open up.

"He's not well. The cuts weren't deep enough for it to be deadly." Wat explained." But he keeps trying to scratch them open so there's a nurse watching over him while I talk with you."

"His mom is going to be here soon." Khan said.

"I can't believe he had a knife hidden for this long... When he was changed into the hospital clothes he had so many somewhat fresh cuts on his legs. He's been self harming even when we thought he was better." Wat said.

The two were quiet before they heard Ayan start screaming for the nurse to get away. They both hurridly ran into his room and found the nurse trying to get a plastic spork from Ayan.

"Ayan drop it!" Khan said as he rushed over to help get the spork away from Ayan.

Wat rushed over kept Ayan from getting the spork again. He kept Ayan from getting out of the bed while the nurse got things needed to restrain him. As much as Khan and Wat hated it they knew that would be the only way to keep Ayan safe at the moment.

"Just let me go!!! I don't need to be here!!!" Ayan screamed.

"You hurt yourself! We aren't just going to let stay home when you are still suicidal!" Wat said." I won't let another friend of mine kill themself!!!"