If I Feel I Want To Die

Chapter 14

Ayan hadn’t left his room in a little over a week. After his conversation with Gumpa, he slipped into another depressive episode. At least this time, he was able to at the very least force himself to eat. However Ayan only slept for a couple of hours at best, and he fell out of his normal self-care routine. He longer bothered getting dressed in the morning and stayed in his jacket and pajama pants 24/7.

Khan and Wat had tried several times to get him to at least come out of his room and sit with them in the main area, but Ayan refused every single time. The two of them knew how bad the event at the hospital lobby had been for Aye, but they couldn’t understand why it affected him so badly, and Aye refused to tell them.

Today was no different. Ayan was hiding in his room while Khan and Wat occasionally checked on him. Every fifteen minutes to be exact. It annoyed Ayan that they were constantly checking on him. He didn’t think he needed to be watched. He was in a bad place, sure, but he wasn’t suicidal, at least, not today.

Ayan got up and stretched before going downstairs. He knew that the two wouldn’t let him be in the kitchen alone, but he wanted to get something to eat and drink before going back to his room to resume wallowing in solitude.

Khan and Wat were already waiting for him in the kitchen much to Ayan’s surprise. The two looked guilty. Almost as if Ayan had interrupted a secret conversation.

“Aye, can we talk for a moment?” Khan said.

“I don’t want to,” Ayan muttered as he began to dig through the food in the fridge.

“It’s about Yok,” Wat said.

Ayan stopped what he was doing. Since when did Khan and Wat have the time to see Yok. They had been taking care of Ayan almost every day since he was released from the hospital. He shut the fridge before turning to look at Wat.

“What about him?” Ayan asked, he meant to sound angry but in reality, he just sounded hurt.

“Well, I think you should give him a second chance,” Wat said.

Ayan shook his head. He wanted Yok back. Actually, he wanted to go find Yok and beg the other man to take him back. However, he was deeply hurt over the events in the hospital lobby. He and Yok had finally been in a good place together, on the verge of becoming close or even closer than before. For that month they spent living together as roommates, Ayan started to hope he had a chance of winning Yok’s heart, and then, at what should have been the celebration of their freedom and the beginning of a new, healthier start together, he found out Yok already had a boyfriend. That kinda pain and loss didn’t go away easily.

“Aye… Hear us out,” Khan said, putting a hand on Aye’s shoulder.

It took Ayan a few moments to fully calm his racing mind. He wanted to give Yok a second chance. Deep inside, he wanted to have Yok back at any cost. However, he was still fearful, hurt, and sad. He never thought that when he began to develop a crush on the gorgeous, stubborn, and sweet Akk that his life would soon be thrown into the abyss.

“I’m going to give you Yok’s phone number. You should call him or at the very least text him,” Wat said. “Just try to give him another chance.”

***********************************************************************************************

That was how Ayan ended up in this mess. He was sitting on his bed once again debating if he should call Yok. It had been a few days since Wat gave him Yok’s number. Every day, Ayan would try to muster up the courage to call Yok, and every day, he wouldn’t be able to do it. Today was no different.