If I Feel I Want To Die

Chapter 27

After taking a few deep breaths to rid himself of the impending tears, Ayan did as promised and tucked N’Yok into bed a second time. Once the sheets and blanket were evenly draped over Yok’s lanky torso, Ayan leaned down and gave him a lingering kiss on the cheek. When he pulled back, Yok gave him a soft, drowsy smile.

“Thanks, Aye.”

“No problem.”

Then Ayan glanced down at the teddy bear snuggled in Yok’s arms, and suddenly he remembered how just a few days ago he had been in the teddy bear’s place.

Strong, toned arms wrapped around his middle, as Ayan snuggled his back against Yok’s naked chest. They were spooning in bed, and Ayan was in Heaven, immersed in the good feelings of warmth, contentment, and intimacy that came from post-coital bliss. Having sex with Yok was different than he imagined it would be when we were still together at Suppalo, and yet somehow it was everything he’d hoped for. After many long years of pain, loneliness, and despair, his Bigfoot was finally  safe in his arms again; and Ayan finally felt like he was home.

Yok sighed softly, and Ayan was pulled out of his memories by the sound. As he watched his boyfriend happily rub his cheek against the plush fur of the bear, Ayan’s heart felt stuffy and irritated.

“Now there’s a damn teddy bear in my place,” he muttered, trying to quell the jealous beast inside of him. First Dan, and now a freaking stuffed animal. Come on, Aye. Pull yourself together!

“Aye, did you say something?” Yok asked sleepily, as if fighting a yawn.

Ayan shook his head and managed a smile, as he resumed rubbing gentle circles on Yok’s back. It was something his mom used to do when he was little, and she was tucking him in for the night. And when she wasn’t there, it was Uncle Di reading bedtime stories or humming songs to help me sleep.

“Aye?”

“Nothing, just muttering to myself.”

Yok gave a soft sound of agreement, barely louder than a whisper and murmured “Okay. G’Night, Aye.”

Ayan moved his hand from Yok’s back to his forehead and gently brushed the bangs aside. Laying a soft, lingering kiss on Yok’s forehead, he murmured back, “G’Night, Yok.”

Yok smiled up at him sleepily, and after blinking a few times, his soft, starry eyes fluttered closed.

Ayan lingered on the bed a few moments, just to make sure that Yok was truly on his way to dreamland. Then he withdrew his hand from Yok’s temple and combed his fingers through his own hair instead. Keep it together. Just keep it together, Aye. Sighing, Ayan stood up from the bed and started walking towards the door. Upon reaching the doorway, he switched off the light, pausing when he heard the gentle melody of deep breathing coming from the bed.

“G’Night, Little Star,” Ayan said, reaching for the doorknob and slowly pulling the door shut behind him.

When the door finally clicked shut and Ayan was alone in the hall, he immediately became aware of how fast his heart was beating and how vulnerable he felt. One part of him desperately wanted to charge back in there, shake Yok awake, and demand answers about what the hell was going on. At the same time, another part wanted to climb into bed with his Bigfoot, wrap his arms around him, snuggle him close, and fall asleep by his side. And a third part, wanted to straddle his boyfriend, pull off his shirt, and lay kisses on every part of his exposed skin.

But as much as he burned for answers, longed to be close to his boyfriend, or felt downright horny, Ayan knew that it wasn’t the time or place for any of these behaviors. As long as his boyfriend’s mind was replaced with that of a kindergartener, Ayan would have to suppress all these urges and have to live with that fact. To do otherwise, would be unethical and in the long-run deeply unsatisfying.