If I Feel I Want To Die

Chapter 18

It was only after he was outside again, running away from the studio towards god- knows-what, that Ayan finally allowed the tears he’d been suppressing to fall. Since the area around the studio was unfamiliar, he didn’t want to run too far and risk getting completely lost, like a small child. He only wanted to go just far enough to feel free to be completely miserable without anyone else’s judgment or pity. After everything he heard from Yok and Dan, he had a lot to think about.

As he raced down the sidewalk, he noticed several interesting landmarks, including a local police station about a block away from the studio. Did Yok, a former criminal and active member of a gang of vigilantes, seriously drive by that police station on his way to and from the studio he shared with Dan, a former graffiti artist? Oh, the irony.

Eventually, Ayan burned off his excess adrenaline and his body began to ache in protest, feeling heavy and sore from his bout of impulsive and strenuous exercise: sprinting the hell away from a shitty situation on pure instinct so his boyfriend and his boyfriend’s lover didn’t see him completely lose it. 

Ayan’s sprint slowed to a jog, then a walk, and finally a complete stop. Heart pounding and body utterly depleted, he dropped to the ground of some random park and laid his back on the grass, looking up into the partially cloudy sky. As he watched the clouds drift to and fro, he became aware of how damp his face was and how streaks upon streaks of salty water were escaping from his eyes and running down his cheeks. Ayan rolled to a sitting position, pulled his knees up to his chin, hugged his legs to his chest, and buried his face in the crook of his arms. 

As he sobbed, he couldn’t stop his mind from racing through all the things he heard about Yok and Dan just minutes before. Yok raced into a burning building to save Dan’s life, but Dan pulled a gun on him instead? Why would Yok try to protect somebody who threatened him with a gun? What kind of relationship do those two have? The more Ayan thought about that specific situation the more he felt the turmoil inside him grow. Soon enough his entire body felt like it was going numb, frozen by ice and burned by fire. The inescapable numbness was all too familiar, and Ayan trembled, digging his fingernails into his hands as a last-ditch effort to push away the suffocating wave of panic.

He felt the blood start to come to the surface as he continued to dig his nails deeper into his palms. He couldn’t help but let his mind sink down into the depths. Of course this was a mistake. Aye didn’t belong there. Yok didn’t need Ayan. He should just give up and leave…to go back to own house and his own bed. Then, he could curl into a ball, pull the covers up over his head, and never come out. 

Suddenly, he heard a phone ringing. He lifted his head because the ringtone was familiar. With a jolt, he realized it was his phone doing the ringing. Ayan slid his hand into his pocket and pulled out the noisy offender. 

Ayan didn't want to talk to anyone at the moment. He just wanted to be alone to wallow in his misery. He went to shut his phone off, but unfortunately, the universe seemed to be against him today. Instead of sliding to decline , he accidentally slid to accept instead. Immediately, the phone screen started counting up the seconds to show that a conversation with THUA was now in progress.

"Hello? Aye?" Thua said