If I Feel I Want To Die

Chapter 9

Ayan actively avoided Yok after the conversation they had the previous day. He had stayed sitting off on the floor as far from the others as he could. He wouldn’t even look in Yok’s direction.

Yok understood that Ayan needed his own space after having such an emotional conversation but it still hurt Yok. He wanted to talk with Ayan like they used to. He wanted to hold Ayan and tell him everything was okay now. Yok knew he couldn’t do that.

Yok was also insanely tired. He couldn’t sleep the previous night because of his cravings for a cigarette. He also remembered being in that van which sent him into a panic attack. He absentmindedly began to mimic smoking.

He was so annoyed he couldn’t have an actual cigarette. Yok wasn’t able to think about it too much because the food cart came and everyone was getting their food. Once he got his tray he began to eat quietly.

Yok was thankful nobody came over to this side of the hospital unit. He was able to eat in peace without having people pester him. His peace was interrupted by none other than Ayan yelling at the nurse.

Yok looked over and saw that a nurse had taken Ayan’s book and was lecturing him. He was a bit too far away to hear what was being said but he was easily able to read their lips. The nurse was telling Ayan he would get his book back after he ate. It made sense why Ayan was yelling.

“I never eat breakfast!!! I can’t eat until lunch because the fucking amitriptyline makes me feel sick to my stomach!!!” Ayan shouted.

Ayan threw his tray of food at the wall before getting up off the floor and trying to run away from the nurse. He didn’t make it far as two other nurses rushed over and grabbed him.

Yok could only watch as the nurse dragged Ayan away from everyone else while he screamed at them and struggled to get away.

 
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Ayan was forced to sit on his bed. The two nurses had stood by the door watching him. Ayan was so angry with them. All he wanted was to read his book in peace but that other nurse wouldn’t give him his book back.

“Ayan what’s going on you don’t usually act out.” One Nurse asked.

“She stole my book!!! All because I don’t eat breakfast!!!” Ayan screamed.

“You need to stop yelling. You know the rules. One of the rules is you have to eat something during mealtimes.” The Nurse explained.

Ayan lay across his bed and faced away from the nurses. He didn’t want to eat because of how nauseous his medicine made him feel. Truth be told after his conversation with Yok he didn’t want to do anything. He didn’t want to take care of himself, he didn’t want to be near others. He just wanted to be alone. Ayan was always like this after having an emotional conversation.