If I Feel I Want To Die

Chapter 7

Yok had made it to the cliffside with his sketchbook a pencil and a small notebook with him. He had made the choice to finally jump. He mae the choice to leave behind everything for good and nothing was going to stop him. This time he'd jump off the cliff but first he had to write out notes.

He hadn't planned on comitting suicide today until he saw what he had done to Khan, Wat, and Ayan. Yok couldn't bare to imagine the pain he put his parents through. The guilt from seeing what his boyfriend and two best friends had felt ws enough to push Yok over the edge.

Yok made sure each other notes were folded and then addressed to each person. He wrote a note for Gumpa and the others. He wrote a note for his mother and biological parents. He wrote a note to Khan and Wat. But most importantly he wrote a note for Dan and Ayan.

Once Yok had made sure the notes were safely tucked into the notebook he made his way closer to the edge. He held onto his notebook and sketchbook tightly as he stared at the drop. He could only hope it wouldn't be painful when he died. Although after everything he had done he didn't deserve a peaceful death.

"Yok don't!!!" Gumpa shouted.

Yok turned around and froze when he saw Gumpa, Sean, Gram, White, Black, Dan, Khan, and Wat. Why were they all together? Gumpa and the others shouldn't know about Khan and Wat. Khan and Wat shouldn't know about Gump and the others.

"Yok come away from the cliff please." Wat begged.

Yok shook his head and took a step closer to the edge. He was terrified. He didn't want them to see him jump but he also didn't want to walk away from the edge.

"Just come over to us so we can talk about this." Black said.

Yok looked over the edge of the clif before looking back to the others. He felt himself begin to cry. He didn't know what to do. Seeing the others wa making him question if this was really what he wanted to do.

"Why won't you let me die... Why do I have to stay alive!?!" YOk shouted." I've done nothing but lie and hurt people!!!"

"Listen to us Yok. We don't care what you've done in the past. We don't care if you may have been a bad person then. You are our friend. Nothing will change that." White said.

"You've been there for us during our worst moments. Let us help you." Sean said.

"Besides we still have so much left to do with our lives. So much to experience." Gram said.

Yok couldn't stop crying. He just sobbed while trying to figure out what to do. He was truly torn between finally putting an end to his life and staying alive for the others.

"I know how difficult it is to feel guilt for what happened in the past. I understand why you are wanting to do this but it's not going to fix anything Yok." Dan said.

"I don't care what happened in the past anymore Yok. I just want my friend back." KHan said.

"We need you Yok. Ayan needs you." Wat said.

That was the thing that finally broke Yok. He couldn't leave Ayan behind. As much as he wanted to die he couldn't leave Ayan again. Yok's love for Ayan was stronger than his self hatred.

Yok hesitantly stepped away from the edge and went to the others. Gumpa immediately pulled Yok into a hug and comforted him while he cried.

"You aren't going to like this but you have to be hospitalized now." Black said.

Yok didn't try to argue. He didn't try to fight back. All he did was cry while clinging to Gumpa like a frightened child. He didn't stop them when they brought him to the hospital.

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It had been a few hours since he was brought to the ER. When Yok had got into the hospital room he was immediately changed out of his normal clothes and had all his stuff taken. He couldn't be bothered to care. He didn't pay much attention to what was going on. He was too caught up in his thoughts.

Yok wa broke out of his thought when a nurse had came into the room with a tray of food. He noticed there was no utensils. Not surprising. He was hospitalized for a suicide attempt.

"I'm not hungry." Yok said.

"You should eat while you can. Later today you'll be transferred to the psychiatric hospital." The Nurse said.

Yok glanced over at Gumpa. All the others had decided it would be best to leave Yok with Gumpa. Everyone seemed to know that Yok was closer to Gumpa than anyone else. It wasn't surprising though. When Yok first egan to go around and figure out the area he now called home he ended up having a severe panic attack. Lluckily Gumpa had been there and rushed to help him. Ever since that day GUmpa treated Yok like a son.

"Just eat a bit and then you can rest." Gumpa said.

Yok hesitantly began to eat the food. He couldnt stop his mind from wandering to his old life. Could he really fix everything he had broken? Was it even possible?

"How did you find me?" Yok asked quietly.

"That boy Wat said that when you talked with him you had a bit of a breakdown. I had him tell me what happened. Then Wat told me that he thought you'd attempt so we gathered the others and looked for you." Gumpa explained." Then we met back up and tried to figure out where you would've gone. Wat then lead us to the cliffs."

"I should've known Wat would remember the cliffs..." Yok mumbled.

"The others know the truth about you Yok. They know everything. Khan and Wat told them everything." Gumpa said.

Yok had to take a deep breath to keep from panicking. It was obvious from the things they said. He knew that they all knew the truth. It just hadn't fully occurred to him that they now knew the worst side of him.

"They hate me don't they?" Yok asked in a shaky voice.

"No. They were all shocked." Gumpa said.

"And... When you told them I was going to attempt what did they think then?" Yok asked.

"They were all worried. Even Black was worried." Gumpa said.

Yok nodded slightly before setting the food aside. He felt too anxious to finish eating.

"I am sorry... None of you should've had to deal with this..." Yok said quietly.

Gumpa shook his head before pulling Yok into a hug.

"It's okay Yok. All that matters right now is that you are alive." Gumpa said." We can worry about everything else later."