If I Feel I Want To Die

Chapter 24

When Dan arrived at The Cliff, (i.e. the place Yok tried to kill himself more than a month ago), he was shocked to spot Ayan there as well. Dan had initially come to this wide-open space to be alone and ponder through everything, about Yok, Sunflower, and Ayan; so he was baffled about what to do now that Ayan was there too. He probably should’ve left because Ayan obviously had come to be alone as well. And as curious as Dan was, he still knew it was wrong to eavesdrop. However, when he tried to turn around and leave the way he came, he just couldn’t. Something in him couldn’t bear… to leave Ayan alone at the cliffside. So instead of walking away, Dan took a step closer instead. This is a shitty idea. My presence will only aggravate him. But I can’t walk away. I can’t just let him be. Not after what I saw yesterday and especially not with him so close to the cliff. Shit. Here goes nothing.

As Dan approached, he was suddenly able to make out everything Ayan was saying, and Ayan’s words broke his heart: He feels invisible? He feels unloved because Yok keeps only focusing on me? Damn it. Yok and I really fucked this whole poly thing up…

Dan took a deep breath and walked a bit closer to Ayan before clearing his throat. "Ahem. Um, Ayan?" Dan asked quietly. Ayan startled, and Dan felt like even more of a jerk. “Sorry.”

"Phi? What are you doing here?" Ayan asked, narrowing his bloodshot and puffy eyes.

Dan’s heart clenched. Everything in him wanted to pull the younger man in a hug, but he figured that probably wouldn’t be welcome. So instead, he exhaled loudly and sat down on the grass next to Ayan.

"I couldn't sleep, so I called off work saying I was sick. I decided to do something to clear my head, so I remembered this place. I’ve only been here once, but the beauty was hard to forget. Anyways, I figured I could come here to be alone and gather my thoughts." Also to remind me that if I don't get Yok some help, I could lose him for good…just like the day I nearly lost him here.”

"Oh…" Ayan muttered.

"Yeah,” Dan replied with a sigh. “So what brings you here, Ayan?"

Dan watched Ayan pick up what was clearly an urn and hold it close to his chest. He lost someone. Recently.

"I come here when I'm stressed or miss my Uncle Di…" Ayan began." This is the last place Uncle Di was at before he…"

Dan watched Ayan carefully as he started tearing up while clutching onto the urn tighter.

Before Dan could think twice, he stupidly asked "Did he… Did he jump?"

Ayan just nodded and wiped his eyes, flinching a bit, Dan noticed that his hands were covered with fresh cuts and bruises. Did someone hurt him, or did he do that to himself? So soon. 

"I'm sorry, Ayan," Dan said. The words hung heavy in his mouth. They were more than condolences because Dan felt like he had a lot to be sorry to Ayan for.