Still No Apologies

Symptom or Sin?

A while ago, I got into a bit of a conflict with another fellow Christian (not on Wattpad). He seemed eager to support my account that was for Christians with mental illness and their supporters. The premise of the account is this: Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, having a mental illness does not make you a bad Christian, and taking meds does not make you unfaithful. However, I soon found out he was not entirely on board. I had previously talked about how having a mental illness does not make you a bad Christian and is not one's fault. This chapter, I will talk about the symptoms.

One of the things I revealed to this Christian (I will call him C) was my intrusive thoughts. Everyone gets these to an extent, and in OCD they become out of control. One of my intrusive thoughts is murder. I would not want to think about it, but I couldn't stop. The fact was it stressed me so much, I couldn't make it go away. I would just turn around and see a gory murder scene, blink, and it is gone. One of the other intrusive thoughts was me cursing at God in my mind. I really did not want to, but I couldn't stop it. It's kind of like a nightmarish version of "don't think about the polar bear." I thought C would understand, but instead he was shocked. He told me I should know, as a Christian, that murderous thoughts and cursing at God is wrong. I told him it is my mental illness thinking it, it was not sin because it in no way reflected my thoughts and feelings toward God, and it was out of my control. C railed at me that I am using my mental illness as an excuse to sin (as if I enjoyed it). He felt so passionately about it he wouldn't stop texting for days, even without me replying. I was so shocked that a brother in Christ would turn on me like this, and even more shocked when he said it was my psychosis making me believe it wasn't sin, and that I "needed help from Christians."

C is a good, enthusiastic Christian, and I was sorry to lose his support. I was so surprised he would think such horrible things about me. I am not a murderous person. I love God, why would I curse at Him on purpose? But I can't take it too personally, because C does not understand mental illness. He thinks the uncontrollable symptoms of mental illness are sins.

Now, mental illness is not an easy ticket. If you have it, you know that for sure. But I hope we all know it is not an excuse for being a jerk. If I snap at my brother because I am feeling hyper or paranoid, I am sinning. I am able to keep myself from snapping, even though it is harder. However, if I start hearing voices cursing (this is different than intrusive thoughts, this is actual hearing), that is not a sin. I am not cursing, it is the voices I have zero control over. C did not understand this.

C also thought Tourettes tics are sin. For those of you who don't know, Tourettes is a disorder where a person makes involuntary movements, sounds, or says things without control. Sometimes a person with Tourettes may say a bad word. They cannot help it, their brains make them.

C's judgements are not only ignorant on how mental illness is, they are also unbiblical. The Bible says anything that is sin is possible to control. Tourettes, uncontrollable thoughts, and hearing voices are not controllable by any stretch of the imagination. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." Think about it. God is faithful. He will not let us be tempted beyond our strength.

One of the things that is less black and white as the above examples are some delusions. I read a story online of a woman who is a devoted Christian. She always had her nose in the Bible. This is all great, but there was one problem. She was developing schizophrenia. She began to see parallels in her life from her Bible reading. Soon, she began to think she was being persecuted. This morphed into her believing she is actually Jesus.

That sounds horrible, doesn't it? But before we turn up our noses, let's put ourselves in this woman's shoes... But wait! The vast majority of us will never understand what it is like to be in her mind! I have had delusions, and I don't know how she could have thought that. Most of us will never be in the position she was in, so how can we judge? Even if you don't agree with what I am saying (symptoms, not sin), it is not your place, nor my place, to place judgements on anyone, especially on things we do not understand. If God has a problem with her, He will be the one to scold her for her sin. Not us random internet people she doesn't even know. All I know as a random internet person (and obsessive googler 🤓) is that people with schizophrenia have trouble controlling their beliefs just like people with OCD have trouble controlling thoughts.

Let's turn this Christian community into one that is kinder and more supportive of our mentally ill brothers and sisters. God is a just God. He is the great Judge. He is fair, and He tells us in the Bible that He judges both our hearts and our minds. He won't just see your dirty thoughts, and think you are sinning. He will look into your heart, and find these things have no root there. Knowing this was so encouraging to me. The knowledge God was not angry with me for my thoughts, the knowledge that He understands, was such a relief, the anxiety all but disappeared. And the thoughts almost completely stopped.

Jeremiah 17:10- "I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve."