Still No Apologies

Why, God?

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong"

-2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I think we all have those circumstances in life in which we ask God, "Why?" We may not mean to question his omnipotence. We may simply want to know the reasoning behind our suffering or the suffering of others. Or, we may even be so upset as to question Him; to question His goodness and love for us.

After I was diagnosed with delusional disorder at 17, I questioned both my future and God's plans. Delusional disorder is not the worst mental illness you can get, but the name was certainly ironic to my situation. Delusional.

As a Christian apologist, I was often called delusional by my atheist debate opponents. Sure, they were saying that just because they had nothing better to say, but why would God make them right by allowing me to get this mental illness? Grrrr...

I wondered: Is God telling me I can't be an apologist? Who would listen to a delusional Christian? Even Christians wouldn't do that! I felt really upset. Is God giving up on me?

But then I thought, "No excuses!" God says spread the Gospel! He doesn't say spread the Gospel if you are a perfectly non-delusional person with no mental illnesses or disabilities. He wants me to serve Him. And I am going to do that to the best of my ability.

The verse at the beginning of the chapter spoke to me in a powerful way. In my weakness, He is strong. Because my mind is a troublemaker, I can't always rely on my own logic, thoughts, and feelings. And I know it! My deficiencies give God all the more opportunity to show!

It's kind of like this:

Remember the story of the man born blind? The disciples asked Jesus what this man or his parents had done to have him become blind. Jesus answered, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the works of God would be displayed in him" (John 9:3). How can God be glorified through the bad things that happen to us as a result of living in a sinful world?

This is how:

Is it that amazing to you that you can see and read these words on your screen? Is it that incredible that you can look outside and see the trees? Sure it is, if you think about it. But it is expected for you to be able to see, so there is no miracle there.

How much more amazing is it that a man born without sight was given the capability to see (without sensory overload, too)? Through this man's hurdle in life, God's power was able to shine through.

Likewise, God can help us through our struggles, whether it's depression, the loss of a loved one, an injury, a disease, a learning disability, or delusional disorder. And when He does, we can greater see His power. This doesn't necessarily include healing, and it often will not. That's why I mentioned 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. Before that verse, Paul says he pleaded with the Lord three times to remove the "thorn in his flesh." But God refused, telling him that his grace is sufficient. Paul realized that he would then glory in his infirmities, because this is where the strength of Christ was given opportunity to shine.

I've pleaded with God dozens of times, and I will likely continue to plead for myself and certainly I will continue to plead for others. But most of the times, God has refused or at least delayed healing me, even if such healing would- to the best of my limited knowledge- make me a more effective servant.

I like the way the show The Chosen illustrated this point. In the show, "Little James," one of Jesus' disciples, was born with a limp (my guess is he has cerebral palsy). James previously witnessed Jesus perform hundreds of healings, so he knew for a fact that Jesus would be able to heal him. After Jesus ordered the disciples to go out on a trip requiring much walking, James worked up the courage to ask Jesus to heal him.

James' request certainly made sense. If Jesus healed him, he would be able to perform the task Jesus gave a lot better and easier. He would be able to travel quicker, reach more people, and put more of his energy into preaching. Not to mention, wouldn't it be a little absurd or at least suspicious for a man known for healing to have a disabled disciple?

However, Jesus gently denied James' request. Jesus explained that James would have the opportunity to be a better disciple if he remained disabled and yet still chose to proclaim the good news of Jesus. There were many people in Judea who would never get the opportunity to be healed by Jesus. James would show them they could still praise Him and look forward to when we will all be healed in Heaven.

While this storyline in The Chosen is not found in the Bible, I love it because it fits what Paul said and the reality we currently experience. Yes, miracles of healing do happen. They are not all scams and trickery. However, the majority of disabled people will not be healed. The majority of terminally-ill people (even faithful Christians), will meet the Lord before we are willing to part from them. I have met people who are convinced that it is God's will to always heal (or at least heal most of the time). These people are living in la-la land. Either they have not faced true suffering, or they are ignoring it. And unfortunately these Christians, though often faithful, hurt other Christians by telling them they simply need to "faith harder" to get God to obey their every whim. That's not how life is, and any Christian parent of a child who has cancer can tell you that.

I recommend that everyone watch Nick Vujicic's interview with Dallas Jenkins. Nick is a Christian man born without arms and legs. I would tell his story, but he can do it best! He explains so well how God can use disability and suffering in this world for His glory, and even so we can better help each other.

As far as my delusional disorder, you can judge for yourself if what I say makes sense. It is not my job to make up my own beliefs. Rather, it is my job to reflect God's reason, goodness, and light to the best of my ability. So never, ever just believe what I say! Read the Bible, pray, and think for yourself.