To Fill or Burst, To Break or Bury

01 JAN 23 | see you

Happy New Year! 2022 indeed was the year of surprises and the year itself was the biggest surprise I've ever experienced. It was a year shared with the people I hold dear in my life, not that I have many. I have the definite courage to hold onto something that's no longer present, but I'll try my very best to keep it only to myself. I am sure now of what you are, the answer has been there from the very first moment.

You were a blessing, somewhat the gateway for me to meet God. You allowed me to have a new beginning to be better and to grasp the purpose of this life. As much as I am good with words, the very one I could only think of is "gratefulness". Maybe I took advantage of the opportunity held on for me, but I see now. This was you as a gift, and I will make certain that 2023 is dedicated only to Him.

I'm sorry for causing you trouble during the times I was with you. I made you bear the hardships I had and I sincerely felt your presence. You did the best you could and I saw it. None was your fault, I don't see it that way. I'm sorry if I ever made you think you aren't enough and through all the times you felt low. I'm sorry for tiring you out.

Thank you for everything. For the experience of genuine love, it was something I couldn't compare to anything. Thank you for checking up on me and holding my hand during the times I couldn't see. Thank you for your presence, thank you for letting me see different sides of the person that you are, and for trusting me relentlessly. You may have taken a piece of me with you, but I'm glad it's you. If compared to a mosaic, you were one of the best parts of me. I'm eternally grateful I met you. I don't regret anything. The best poems I'd ever written were during and because of you. Thank you for being the inspiration for this book. Thank you, thank you!

I'm not a fan of goodbyes, but all things come to an end as well as this letter. With utmost respect of this phase in my short life, I'm the one who should put an end to it. I feel as if the words still aren't the ones I want to say, but I don't think I can find anything other than them. I'm not sure if I met even half of what you did for me. Be it my way, I only thought of what I think's best for you. It was what suit you most—the best, that is. I still wish I hugged you, haha. I didn't have the chance to say this regularly or even at least five times, but I know my eyes, actions, letters, poems, and prose said it for me. I love you, my four-leaf clover. I didn't even try to find you, I just happened to stumble upon you and I always think it's why I was the luckiest-most blessed person.

Mag-iingat ka palagi, be good to yourself and try to love him as we all did. Don't bear the heavy things alone and share it with someone, you'll need that. Only He knows how much I love you with furious certainty and through all the phases of who you are, Christian. I'll see you again, sana maalala mo kailan since surely I'll be there, hehe. Blessed New Year! See you!

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