A way out

She knew

Rafe's pov:

My hands felt sweaty against the steering wheel. We were driving for more than an hour now on the Monarch Highway on our way to Oklahoma City. I smiled and turned the music a little lower when I saw Sarah and Laura sleeping in the back seat together, but my smile faded a little when I thought about yesterday, the day that I lied to both of them. It was not the first time I lied, but still...This felt different, somehow more wrong. I knew that everything would come out in the end but I also knew that this might be the last time we would be free, and I wanted no stress in the time we would be free. I knew that in the end, I would take the blame for everything, and I didn't want them to take any responsibility.

There would come a day they would come for me, search for me, see me and finally take me. The thought of it made me crazy, and the hot summer air of America swirled past my ears. It would only take a few miles to Oklahoma city, and from there we would go to Mexico City.

A few hours later we arrived at our hotel. It was a divine place to stay. It had two bedrooms, one shower a balcony and even a little shared swimming pool. We rented the hotel with our last money, which first caused a huge discussion. There were more opinions about what to spend our last money on, but I refused to sleep in that goddamn car where we practically already spent most of our time in. I longed for a big bed with cotton sheets and fresh air through the balcony and decent food in the mornings.

That evening was the first stressless evening in a while now, or they thought so, but even for me, it was okay. Of course, the thoughts enter your head sometimes and you wonder if you did well not telling them, but I was strong enough to put those thoughts away. It had a reason I didn't tell them, so why tell them the next day? It would be completely useless.

Later that night I remember sitting in a chair with the sun that had just fallen, with a little wineglass in my right hand, with the wine that we bought on our way to the hotel. Somehow I missed Miles. He was always good with those situations, so when we were younger, I always let him take those types of decisions that I had to take yesterday.

''Oh poor Miles,'' I said out loud, looking at the coloured sky from the last sun. Sometimes I wondered why he had to die, and not me. He was the most loved one in the family for some reason, so why him and not me? Why was I that cowered not the climb that tree further than him?

That's where I stopped my thoughts. Back home I knew this was a time to go visit a psychiatrist when those thoughts started to enter my head again, but now I had to deal with them on my own.

I stood up and leaned over the balcony, looking at the pool where Sarah was laying on one of those floating beds. I could feel the outer corners of my mouth rise a bit. She somehow always managed to make me smile. She was special to me, more special than a person had ever been to me.

I lighted a cigarette and sighed, then walked back into the apartment, not caring that you weren't allowed to smoke inside. I walked towards the little make-up table and touched a few things that were unfamiliar to me. A lipstick I didn't see her buying, and what I thought was a jewellery box. My fingers opened it and inside I saw pictures of us together, and not just a few, very many. Pictures I didn't even see before. They were made in the room, in the school and under the old oak tree we used to picnic together. I wondered how I never noticed her taking pictures of those moments together.

I remember how happy we actually were back then. That happens most of the time when you are someplace else you thought you would be happier, and then eventually notice that the place you ran away from was actually the greener side of the grass. Suddenly I regretted it al. Regretted running away, regretting fleeing to America, regretting going into that pub, regretting not being there for Sarah when she needed me the most, but what I regretted the most was that I brought them with me, I caused all those problems, and they are taking the responsibilities for my actions.