A Collection of One Shots

Anxious Butterflies

November 26, 2022 (initial)

January 12, 2022 (finished)

Entry: 021

The world was never a fantasy of happy endings. It was always dark, cruel, and selfish. A reality made known to many, a reality made known to me. However, I often like pondering on too good to be true circumstances. Situations of which although I may have added conflict or terrifying mess ups, it seemed awfully right intact. An assured plot, displaying that it was certain and solvable. But to ponder and write about them is absolutely different from actually experiencing them.

Although I knew what it was like to get all excited about the existence of another being, whether someone real or a phantom being in the corner of my mind; he was different. Fluttering butterflies and the idea of us gets me giddy and lovesick. A glimpse of him gives me a sense of hope. That perhaps to a certain extent, the natural phenomenon of my life could live a moment of surreality. I wanted to know him better, treat him better, be there for him better; but what made me have those intentions?

Never had he actually done anything so special or spectacular to have caught my heart. He was not someone so out of the ordinary and yet here I am, pondering about him; thinking of what if's. But then again, I knew for a fact, I wasn't committed to those ideas either. Sure, the idea of loving and being loved is great and all; however, am I willing to be that person everyday till the end of time? If not, then why have those intentions for him?

Intentions that I allow to keep myself up late at night. Intentions that I get excited about while I daydream. Intentions that distract me from my usual routine. Intentions that abruptly make me grin. Intentions that made me surprisingly inspired. Inspired to make songs, jot down writings, and create little cute crafts. Intentions that made me courageous enough to actually push me to admire him openly. "Jeez, I actually told him."

Ah, so this is where anxiety kicks in. Funny how brave I could have become because of this burst of emotions. What they said was true, hearing your heart pound loudly, your mind rambling on all the words to say. In my head prior the days before I had it all set out; however, once I decided to actually deliver it, it was hard. Hard to a point of which I didn't realize that I didn't go as planned. Instead, I shocked not only him, but myself.

"Shoot- I actually told him." I mumbled to myself and he hid himself in his shirt. The butterflies were not only excited, but anxious. I was ready for rejection, maybe I even longed for it. Yearning to know what it felt like to chase and be halted. Having been able to realize what it was like to sincerely be attracted to someone, I wanted to know what it felt to be turned down.

But just as the story of my life goes, things won't go the way I may have planned or imagined. Neither was I turned down or reciprocated concerning my feelings. This may have got me worked up and at some point frustrated, but then again, it was nice. There is no better word to describe it but nice. It was nice to admire someone. It was nice to genuinely open up about that admiration. It was nice to see his reaction. It was nice that I didn't have to commit to something or have my heart broken.

Anxious butterflies are nice.

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Disclaimer: Photo not mine - credits to the owner. But for copyright purposes, don't hesitate to message if I must put it down. Also- here's the link of the source.

https://pin.it/6FXNbWE

One of the entries that I think is cringe but cute at the same time. If only he loved reading haha, special mo naman lods 😔

Sincerely,
Gela
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