Tabula Rasa

Chapter 5

The Columbus branch of the New York Public Library was only a few blocks away. She passed it often while walking through the neighbourhood, and the lovely old limestone facade - only partially covered by graffiti - caught her eye every time.

She could have just gone there. It would have been the sensible option. The most efficient use of her time.

But when Calina had needed some reference books, she'd bypassed the sensible, efficient option and headed uptown to the main library on 5th avenue.

And found herself in heaven.

She paused beside one of the endless bookshelves and took in the room. It was at once stark and sumptuous. Pale, marbled walls enclosed the enormous space; chandeliers dripped from the guilted wooden ceiling to light the desks below; the mural above her head showed a pastel-coloured sky, a colourful reprieve from the beige and brown-toned decor.

But more than the beauty of the building, she loved the feel of the place. The hushed, still air; the melody of rustling pages and light footsteps; the muted light spilling in from the huge arched window.

And the centuries of knowledge just waiting to be discovered.

There'd been no library in the Red Room. They hadn't been allowed to seek out information for their own pleasure or amusement. They were never encouraged to expand their minds or develop passions.

Knowledge was only imparted if it was for a specific training need or mission. In those situations, approved material was provided...and taken back the moment it was absorbed.

Calina saw more of that material than the other girls - the nature of her missions often involved extensive research. When constructing a deep undercover persona, she needed more than just a fake name and ID. She needed a history. She needed hobbies and interests and experiences. She needed to build a person. A fully realised person who could react to any situation as expected. And if she was imitating a mark, she needed to learn more than just their speech patterns and daily habits, she needed to know what they knew.

Because the risk of discovery - of being found to be an imposter - brought with it the risk of pain and death. Either from her targets...or from her trainers in the Red Room as punishment for failure.

Everything she did in preparation for missions was with the goal of avoiding detection. Avoiding punishment.

Staying alive.

Needless to say...it was highly motivating.

So she became a perfectionist - one with a tendency to overcompensate.

It wasn't enough to know the black keys from the white when pretending to be a piano teacher; she had to learn to play Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

It wasn't enough to use a cane when impersonating a blind woman; she had to learn to read braille.

It wasn't enough to memorise a few constellations when becoming an astronomy undergrad; she had to study astroparticle physics.

Her success in the field justified her extreme methods to her trainers and handlers. They relented when she made her case for more books, more material, more tutors.

But it never felt like enough. She always wanted to know more. She'd convinced herself that only knowledge could keep her safe. But she'd been fooling herself, as much as she'd been fooling the people controlling her. Because looking back now, Calina could see the truth. She was a woman with an intense, innate curiosity about the world. A desire to learn everything about...everything.

How the world turned and the stars died and a human heart beat.

That curiosity seemed to be the only part of her that the Red Room had never managed to erase.