Tabula Rasa

Chapter 31

Matt's confession felt so monumental to him - representing a seismic breakthrough after months of denial and self-delusion - that a part of him thought those words alone would be enough to pull Calina out of her coma.

But there was no change in her still, sleeping form.

Matt wiped the tears from his eyes and moved up onto the mattress. He stretched out beside Calina and hoped that it might trigger some sort of sense memory of the mornings they would lie like this in his bed.

Then he continued talking.

If the Widows were right and there was even the slightest chance that his words could reach her and bring her back, then he would talk until his voice gave out.

And as the words spilled into the quiet room, it felt cathartic in a way. He'd spent months denying himself the truth of his feelings, and sublimating all the love he harboured for her. But now that he'd finally admitted it to himself, it was as if the floodgates had opened and all the thoughts and feelings and dreams that he'd stashed away came pouring out into the open.

He talked to her about the first time he saw her,

"...I think I fell in love with you right there and then, as crazy as that sounds. There was just something about you, standing there on that rooftop, your hair blowing in the wind...It was as if a part of you called out to me, and I couldn't help but answer. I haven't been the same since..."

And how the mystery of her intrigued him,

"...I heard you once, when you were in your apartment. Well, the truth is, I actively listened. You were playing music, one fragment of a song after another, and I couldn't figure out why. But now I know - you were trying to find out what you liked to listen to. I remember that you stopped on a Nina Simone song, and you listened to it all the way through - we listened to it together..."

He told her of all the experiences he wanted to share with her,

"...I hate that you missed so much growing up the way that you did. I even started keeping a list of all the things I want to show you, and all the things we could do together. Just simple things, like going to the movies. You could sit and watch the film, and I could sit and just be near you as you enjoyed it. We could drive out to the seaside and talk a walk along the shore, or go on a proper vacation and be tourists together. I'll do anything you want. As long as we're together, I'll be happy. If we did nothing for the rest of our lives but play chess and hit punching bags together I would be so incredibly happy, Calina. I'd only regret that I never found you sooner..."

How the apartment didn't feel the same without her,

"...the new couch was delivered yesterday. But I couldn't bring myself to sit on it. It feels like our couch. And it didn't feel right for it to be there, in the apartment, without you...the place feels so lifeless now. So cold and empty without you..."

He spoke of everything and nothing, his voice hushed as he filled the air between them with teasing jokes and memories of the time they'd spent together.

"...you said you could only really sleep when I was beside you, but you're taking it a bit far now, Calina...you need to wake up for me, sweetheart. I need to hear your voice. I've been going crazy without it. Talking with you is one of my favourite things, did you know that? I love to hear your views on things, and I love it when you get excited about a topic and want to tell me all about it. And I love to make you laugh. God, you have such a great laugh..."

And all the while he touched her. If his voice was the beacon in her darkness, he wanted his touch to be her anchor. To draw her back to the world...and to him. He played with her fingers. He ran his hand up and down her arm. He caressed her face, tracing over the arch of her eyebrow and the curve of her cheek.