Words Written in Water (Loser #3)

Chapter 9

Chapter 9

I had no idea how I functioned normally after that. I felt like I was at war with myself because I didn't want to like Juancho far more than I should, but the thumping in my core was telling me otherwise.

And it was a problem.

Every kind of relationship—whether familial, platonic, or sexual—required commitment. Hindi ito isang bagay na aalisan mo na lang kapag ayaw mo na. Susukuan kapag nahihirapan. Iiwan kapag may nakitang pagkukulang.

I placed a high value on relationships... and in this life, I had pledged commitment to my friends alone.

Sila lang ang hinayaan kong pumasok sa buhay ko. I built walls and a fortress around my heart so sturdy that not even my life's greatest pleasures could get through. Marami man akong makilala at maranasan, hindi ko hahayaang masira ang mga pader na pumoprotekta sa akin.

I believed we only had one shot at life, so I always tried to make the most of it.

I tried cigarettes and alcohol, and they both grew on me. I picked up some basics dealing with plumbing issues like a clogged toilet or a spurting sink because I found it interesting, and someone needed to know how to fix things like that around the house. I also joined a fraternity in senior high school and quit before college because I didn't want to get associated with Jin, Mari's cheating ex-boyfriend.

I did what I wanted and dropped what I didn't. Kapag ginusto ko, kaya kong pakawalan ang paninigarilyo at pag-iinom. Kapag ginusto, kaya kong talikuran ang mga nakasanayan.

It was challenging for some people, but not for me because I wasn't fully committed. Ginagawa ko kung saan ako masaya, at kapag ayoko na, madali sa'kin ang bumitaw.

However, relationships were different. It was a commitment I would never turn my back on. I would grip it as tightly as I could, and I wouldn't care if my hands started to bleed in the process. I would put my own body on the line as armor to protect the ones I love. I would lay down my life for them without batting an eye.

And I only chose three people to whom I would commit myself—Kat, Mari, and Karsen.

Sa dalawampu't isang taon ko sa mundo, sa dami ng mga taong nakasalamuha ko, sa lawak ng mga karanasan na nilakaran ko, ipinangako ko sa sarili ko na walang ibang makakadurog sa'kin kung hindi silang tatlo.

I had never dated anyone. There were a few that caught my eye, but I could never commit to any of them. I'd never been the type to get easily attached.

At mas madali 'yon. Walang sakit. Walang drama. Tuloy kung masaya, tigil kung hindi na. No other nonsense.

So now that I was slowly admitting to myself that I liked Juancho, I knew I needed a serious wake-up call.

Puwedeng ma-attract pero hindi puwedeng ma-attach. Puwedeng hawakan pero hindi puwedeng kapitan. Puwedeng magustuhan pero hindi puwedeng mahalin.

It was an old mantra. Get close to the fire, but not too close to burn yourself. Taste, but do not devour. Feel, but do not get too comfortable you can't leave.

"Aalis ka na?"

Mari's question stopped me in my tracks. Nakaupo siya sa sahig ng sala, nakatali ang buhok at nagbabasa.

It was the weekend, and I planned to work all day in the gym to get my head straight because of my nagging thoughts about Juancho. Bukod pa roon ay kailangan kong kumita ng pera. Paubos na naman kasi ang stocks namin, at walang sinasabi sina Mari at Karsen tungkol doon. Hindi ko naman sila masingil lalo at halos kakaambagan lang namin. Ang mahal kasi ng mga bilihin ngayon. Miski ang mga gulay ay halos ka-presyo na ng mga karne. It was alarming how quickly we ran out of food because we couldn't afford to buy more.