Hear my lullaby

11.

                   11. What is trust?

Freya

Joel was here yesterday. I've been constantly thinking about it, no matter how hard I've tried to focus on finding Gilbert's secret. I tried to look from his suitcase when he was in the shower last night, but I found nothing. I looked every pocket and all.. but why would he keep some drugs in there? It would be too obvious, and if there would be drugs, he would've got caught at the airport.
So.. either he was hiding them inside of him, or he got the drugs from here.. what if he knows a dealer that lives in Helsinki?

But about Joel.. I must say that.. I felt so freaking relieved when I saw him. Right now I feel safer than before, but I'm still so confused and ashamed. I left him with so horrible way, and still he was sitting next to me, asking if I was okay. I wanted to say the truth.. that I'm not okay. But I had to lie.

It doesn't feel right to call the police that I'm suspecious about Gilbert.
If there wouldn't be any drugs or anything else, it would be embarrassing as hell. I want to believe that.
But clearly Gilbert's behavior has changed and I will look for anything that would be the reason for it. But as I said to Joel yesterday, I have to do it before Gilbert would take me to Caribbean. He wants us to have a small vacation there. But I'm not going before I know if he's a serial killer or something.
No! No, of course he's not a murderer. My imagination is just being.. lively.

My thoughts got interrupted by a hand touching my shoulder. I flinched and looked up to my left. Gilbert was standing there and smiling lightly. I was sitting around the kitchen table and eating my breakfast. I woke up at 11am, so this is a bit late breakfast. Eevi already went somewhere with Oscar, I don't know where Olli is.
"What were you thinking so deeply?" Gilbert asked as he started taking the dishes off from the table. I swallowed and and tried to smile.
"Uhm.. just.. life in general." I said casually, he nodded. I felt nervous.

"I've been thinking that same topic too. Like.. would you like to move in to London with me officially?" He questioned carefully. I freezed. I.. fuck...
My hands started shaking, I felt sick. I heard him walking towards me slowly, and when he placed his hands on my shoulders behind me, my body tensed.
He started massaging them and it didn't help at all.
"You've told me how much you love London and that it feels like home. I'd be ready to that.. but do you want it, dear?" He kissed the top of my head. I had to close my eyes and fight against the tears.

Not now. Don't you break into tears. Fight. Fight. Don't let the tears come. Don't show those little tears of anxiety and fear. Suck them in. Don't. Break.

"Freya?" Gilbert asked and it made me open my eyes again. I opened my mouth and let out a long, but silent breath.
"I.. need to think about it." I only let those words come out of my mouth. Of course it confused Gilbert, so he decided to sit next to me to a chair. Slowly I moved my head to look at him. He was frowning, but not because of anger. He was worried. Damn it.
I can't make him confused, he can't suspect that I'm doing something behind his back.
I hate lying so, so, so much. But I had to do my best.
He changed his look between my both eyes, it made me nervous. Like he was trying to read them.

"You're hesitating." He said it so.. normally.
Then suddenly he put his hand on top of my forehead, it confused me.
"Are you getting sick?" He asked. I took his hand and lowered it down, but I still hold it, just to make sure that he would believe me. I had to act like I usually do.
I shook my head as an answer. Now his face was different. He was thinking about something. I had to cut those wings of his thoughts.
"I'ts a big decision after all. All the paper works, finding a job.. everything. You know that it's hard for me to trust to people, and especially when it comes to move in together..." I explained, looking at our hands.
"You don't trust me enough?" Immediately he asked. Quickly I lifted my eyes up to him. Now I need to fix that what I said.. great. How lying is so easy to some people?