Hear my lullaby

15.

                       15. Losing your mind

Freya

A dark and heavy feeling throughout the body. Someone is strangling you so you can't breathe. That desire to tear the skin away from all the heavy and burning feeling. The need to clean internals and feel light again. There is a feeling inside your head, as if there is a dark cloud that can start a storm at any moment. It grows and grows until you can't take it anymore. You need to cry everything out, but tears won't come out of your eyes. You would like to run with the wind and feel how your body gets lighter with every step and how you feel clean again.
That's what I felt. Anxiety.

And that anxiety was growing when I was staring my reflection through the mirror. I hated what I saw. Dark circles under my eyes, dirty hair and I could see the exhaustion from my eyes. I've never looked so unwell. If I don't count the time after I got almost raped.
Every second I just think that when did things went this bad? Why everything is so heavy now? Why I hate my life, and why Gilbert has changed? What was the reason? I have too many questions in my head.
Tomorrow is the day. The day when I would leave Finland again with Gilbert.
I don't want to go. I can't go. I don't trust him, even though I would want to.

Someone knocked the door of the bathroom. I didn't even flinch, I was too tired to do that.
"Is everything fine, my dear?" Gilbert's tone sounded a little worried. Yes, I've been staring at myself for ten minutes in silence now. Maybe it is time to face the unfair world again.

I opened the door and stepped out, not even looking at him. He stopped me by taking my hand, so I turned around. Then I lifted my eyes up to him. His gaze was worried.
"Darling?" He quietly asked. My heart skipped a beat. Joel used to call me by that name.
"Don't say that word." I mumbled and then he let go of my hand. So I turned around again and made my way towards the upstairs. He followed me quietly.

"Why? Are you okay? You feel so distant." He questioned confused, and when we were in the hallway, I turned around while he closed the basement's door. I felt so much anger. But I had to stay calm, I didn't want to shout at him.
I gathered all my courage, it felt like I was preparing myself to a sword fight. I was ready for every reaction he would show. At this point I didn't care anymore.
"I should've said that to you." I looked at his eyes, straight to his soul. His face changed, he started frowning. My heart started beating faster and my palms were sweating.
We both stayed silent for a moment, and when it looked like that he wouldn't open his mouth, I decided to talk.

"You're doing something behind my back. You won't tell me what, but I really wish that you would tell me before I call the police." I quietly said to him. He didn't even flinch. Maybe he doesn't care.
"What would you say to them?" He asked casually, but still his tone was lower than usual. His gaze was contemptuous. I had to stay strong and not show him my uncertainty.
"That you're dealing drugs." I hissed.
Right after my sentence his eyes changed like he went completely mad. We heard steps near us, so we turned our heads at the same time to the left. Olli was standing there. He changed his look between me and Gilbert, he looked a little lost, like he wasn't supposed to hear that.

"What did I tell you, idiot?" Gilbert asked from Olli. That made me so confused, so now it was my turn to change the look between those two men. Olli looked helpless, scared...
He came closer while he scratched his scalp.
"I.. I haven't..." Olli stammered. Gilbert looked so mad, and it made me scared too. He was breathing heavily.
"What is going on? Gilbert?" My voice was shaky.

"I thought you were a man, and not talk about this!" Gilbert raised his voice. It was the moment when Eevi came from the upstairs, she looked confused.
Olli tried to say something, but Gilbert was faster. He walked fastly to him and lifted his hand up to his throat, then pressed him against the wall. I flinched and Eevi gasped as she covered her mouth. I saw tears on her eyes. I knew that this situation was a trigger to her in one way or another. I went next to Gilbert and tried to lose his grip from Olli. It didn't help.
"He didn't tell me anything! I figured this all out by myself! Let go of him!" I shouted at Gilbert.