Hear my lullaby

16.

                16. Too many bad memories

Freya

I flinched awake from a terrible nightmare, I had to sit up immediately while I was sweating and trying to calm myself down. Apparently my dramatic awakening made Joel lose his sleep too. But it was bright outside already, so I think it was a good time to wake up.
"Hey..." Joel mumbled with his raspy morning voice as he put his hand on my back. I turned my head and looked down at him, his eyes were barely open. His messy hair caught my attention, we used to wake up like this many times. I saw nightmares a lot after the incident with Tuomas.
I still feel like this is wrong.. I mean sleeping next to Joel. Maybe it was a wrong decision to come here after all. It's not right for Joel. I can't be this selfish that when things get bad I come here.

"It was just a nightmare.. I should leave." I said nervously. Joel opened his eyes fully and he frowned to me. He stroked my back gently, it felt comforting.
"You don't have to. You should at least eat something first..." He suggested. I shook my head as an answer.
"I'm not hungry." I lowered my eyes to my hands, I played with my fingers.
I haven't eaten well for the past days. I feel weak and cold all the time and my brain feels like it's full of fog. Only the thought of eating makes me feel ill. Joel's hand slided up and down my back, I wish he could do that forever. Nothing makes me more safe than his touch.

"Tell me what happened yesterday." He broke the silence. I swallowed, and then took more comfortable position. I leaned my back against the headboard, Joel was still laying down, but he turned to his side. He put his right hand under his head to support it. Quickly I looked at him, I never get over how those ice blue eyes stares at me.
"I got mad at Gilbert, and I was right that.. he.. sells drugs and probably uses them too. He has also threatened Olli that if he tells about it, he'll make sure that Eevi and Oscar will be killed in way or another." I told him with my shaky voice. Joel took my hand into his, and then he sat up too. Carefully I looked at him, and his face told it all. He was shocked.
"What the fuck..." He shook his head, not wanting to believe my words.

"That's not all. Gilbert has also cheated on me a few times. Police hasn't caught him yet.. so you can imagine how scared I am that he will come after me or something." I explained with tears in my eyes.

"Freya.. I'm so sorry. I should've protected you.. or forced Gilbert to leave or something..." Joel blamed himself.
"No. Joel, no. You know very well that I wanted to figure things out by myself. And I didn't want you to get involved into this." I put my hand to his shoulder, and then he looked at me under his eyebrows.
For a while we kept staring at each other, and the burning desire inside me wanted me to press our lips together and not stop until we're both breathless. And when I saw his eyes lowering to my lips, I felt conflicted.

I moved my head to other direction, and then I stood up from the bed. I put on my jeans and started taking off the shirt Joel gave me.
"You don't have to leave yet." Joel said behind me, his words gave me chills. I didn't turn around or say anything, I just took off the shirt and picked my own from the floor.
I heard him moving in the bed, I think he crawled closer to me. I glanced over my shoulder and I was right, he was now sitting right behind me. I felt him touching my bare arm.
"I'm worried. I don't want to take the risk that you would meet him accidentally and something bad would happen." He continued calmly. I closed my eyes for a moment. I was holding my shirt in my hands and I squeezed it.

"I need to face the world, Joel. You can't protect me from everything..." I quietly said while putting the shirt on. Then I turned around to face him, and he stared at me with puppy eyes.. why he has to be like that? I remember when we first got to known to each other, he always stared at me. And I couldn't forget his eyes and how he looked at me.
"If I run into him, I will call to the police immediately." I continued, and finally he nodded understanding.