My problems (vent)

Grounded

TW: SH mention, abusive parent

So, I got grounded because I "didn't clean my room" when I was feeling like absolute garbage and was about to SH.

I really tried to get myself to do so but I just couldn't get out of bed. I did lift some stuff up but I just wasn't myself.

So when he told me I was grounded I tried to clean it but my thoughts wouldn't let me be.

So I did what any normal person would. Sat in a corner and cried silently hoping he wouldn't hit me if he found me crying.

He did find me, but he just said "so you're going to sit there and cry instead of cleaning your room."

Which somehow hurted, it wasn't really so hurtful but I just felt like crying even more.

I guess it's just trauma, I wanted to tell my mom I needed help, profesional help, but I'm just really scared.

I know I should trust her, and she's the one I trust the most but I just can't let them yell at me or I'll probably break.

Making this my 2nd panic attack of the day, the first one being me anxiously breathing silently while clicking on my pen on a school test.

I cried at school. I hated everything and I feel like I still do but just don't feel like getting angry, I feel it more tiring.

I'm actually planning on MAYBE suiciding.