My problems (vent)

Tears

TW: mentions of SH, $u!€Id€ attempt, @bu$e and swearing.

These days I've been having a hard time coping as tears are harder to hide and the urge to kill myself is even bigger.

I remember a close friend of mine said she was planning on suiciding and then another friend not that close threatened to call the school authorities, (which in my opinion is just gonna make it worse) they told her it was not okay and stuff.

The weird thing is that in my mind it was all just "if she does it, I do it." "If she ends up killing herself I'll kill myself next Wednesday."

Yes, Wednesday. I calculated it all and to me it's the perfect day. I had all the classes I despise, not a club day, (club days are the absolute best for me.) my dad would come check in if I don't wake up in time and my mom isn't the one waking me up.

Not a Sunday or a Saturday because even though those are the days I'll take the most depression they're the only days where I get to be a parasite (almost) all day and just sleep.

My friend also told us how she USED to be planning on cutting a deep scar In her wrist so she could just sleep and die in the night but I thought about the other less painful solutions (spoiler, drugs).

Now when I'm writing this I'm holding my neck cause I just attempted but regretted it right afterwards because of how painful it is. Do not try.

It's not the first time I've done that but this day it's been the first day I actually managed to make myself a scar, also, do not use razor blades they sting more than trying to use a blender.

When I was uhm, hanging. I thought about my life choices a lot. And even though I hate it I couldn't die that exact moment, I would miss Abby and she would miss me :(

So Im gonna wait until she and her family move to the US and then I'll kill myself in the best way I find! That if I don't end up failing my classes.

And if I do then I'm gonna actually throw myself from my own window. Or even better, from above my house.

So yeah. I probably won't because of cowardy but this is a vent you can't tell me what to do.

So yeah.. I hate you all mom and dad. The only one in my family that actually won my respect and love is my dear, dear auntie. And my uncle that may rest in peace