My problems (vent)

Breaking point. TW.

Soo.. Today my mom yelled at me because I asked her for the same 5 things I ever eat, and she started ranting for 20 minutes straight while I silently cried.

She asked me a lot of times in a mad tone or an angsty way and then she brought up how much they spend on vitamins, and I quote;

"Just because the baby doesn't want to eat anything. Just cheese flour and eggs. You're wrong. And you know that. You're 13! Going on 14 and still. How can your brain process another language but can't process that you need to eat?!"

"Will knowing to play the piano help you?! Will speaking English help you when you're all wired up in a hospital bed?! I told your dad not to buy you those proteins! He did with the hope of you getting even a little bit hungry but those are 800 pesos (40 dollars) straight into the trash. Along with those shits you drink! Those are practically for people with cancer! Another 40 dollars."

And I could go on and on about it.. makes me sad. I just got a cutter and, no I don't cut my wrists. I have tried but I just.. can't. I feel like I can't let out anything! These words I'm using feel so.. useless. No one ever attempts to actually help. You could say "oh I'm here for you if you need" but we all know that if I start ranting about my problems then you'll start saying something that you're tired of being the "therapist friend" and oh fuck! I can't fucking begin to BELIEVE how arrogant some people can be!

Sometimes when you just vent to someone it just feels like they don't want to do that again and just.. disappear. I've been trying to play with a friend for a while but she's always busy with one thing or another, and I get it! She has stuff to do but I don't talk to literally anyone. My friend group consists of, her, a friend that I only talk to sometimes, a friend that hurts your feeling without even noticing, and one dude that I only talk to in Spanish class because that class FUCKING SUCKS.

And not only that! When you feel down and don't act as "chatty and dumb" as always they don't take time to call you "emo" or make fun of you in that way. I know they're only playing cause that's how we get along but fucking Christ! begin to see the signs!

I gave my mom a letter saying everything my mouth can't. I want to get better but I just don't know how and everytime they force me to eat something it makes me think of how painful those experiences are for me and how it just stops me from trying again.

I- I don't know how to continue. So many times. So many attempts. Yet not a single one I've held the courage to actually do it. Did you know that you need a building to be at least 15 foot tall in order to die?!

Well I do! And the painless way to die is by using sleep pills! That the suicide knot is made by making a U with the thing and then making 2 circles around it and then sticking the end between the circles?! Well I figured that out!

God! I know I need a therapist or a psychologist or something! I'm wrong! And I know that! Why am I being punished?! What the fuck did I do to be punished in the way of being born?! In 5 years I see myself dead!

I'm writing this under my bed because it's the only place that to me is even remotely safe! I'm gonna fail history and I'm gonna get grounded and punished even though all I ever did was exist to have all this pressure for me!

It's all on me! Why?! I dont fucking know!! I'm just a kid! If they keep telling me "you're 8 now!! You're not a baby!" "You're 10 now! You already had your period you're not a kid!" "You're 13 almost 14! You! Are not! A kid!" THEN WHEN AM I SUPPOSSED TO HAVE BEEN A KID?! I JUST WANTED TO BE A KID! BE HAPPY! LIVE MY CHILDHOOD! THIS IS ALL A MISTAKE!