If Fire Was A Lover

January 3rd, 2021

I woke up on the floor, my blanket stuck in the couch cushions. My hair was matted from moving around so much in my sleep. Wendy had definitely already headed to work, Steve probably had too. I stretched out and searched the kitchen for coffee, luckily whoever left last left me a whole pot. I poured myself a tall cup of steaming coffee, the smell rising to my nose instantly. Wendy made her coffee just as strong as I did. I used the vanilla creamer in the fridge and sat down by the front window with my mug. I stared at it for a while, zoning out of reality. I lifted my gaze to watch the outside world go on, trying to understand why I felt so frozen in time. My mind began telling me that the previous night had never occurred in the first place, it was all a bad dream. Or a good dream? I don't know. Good or bad, dream or reality, my mind was consumed by it. The only way to decide if it had really happened was to go see him, to go see if there was a mug on his bedside table. With every cell in my body, I hoped there was no mug.

I brushed my hair, changed my clothes, and walked over to Logan's house. It felt oddly familiar walking through the door. His father greeted me first, giving me a big smile and a hug.

"Elizebeth, how are you kiddo?" Terrance asked me. He was always so kind, Logan's whole family was, but especially Terrance. He prided himself in being a good dad. Logan, Scarlett and Sarah were his world. Above Scarlette's bed was a framed poem that Terrance had written for her about how much he loved being her dad.

'I've been good! Just here to pick up a mug, I left it here last night when I dropped by to say hi." I smiled gently, trying to stay calm. I looked at Terrance and my mind spun, how could such a kind old man create such a tormented young one?

"Oh, well go on up, I think Logan's still sleeping. You should wake him up though, he's been too lazy recently!" He laughed. I nodded and made my way up the stairs.

I opened Logan's door slowly, peeking my head in first. He was passed out, arms hanging off the bed. I walked in quietly and sat down on the bed, staring at the mug. It was real, all of it. Suddenly I felt his arms around me and he pulled me down to lay beside him. I felt his body crooked behind mine and my eyes began to tear up. What was this? What had I done?

"Good morning, you," he whispered into my ear.

"Good morning," my words were faintly there, I wasn't so sure that I believed them.

"So last night," Logan starts.

Last night was real, it really happened. Last night was a mistake. Last night was a sin, last night was the night that I fell into a hole and I have no idea when I'll be able to crawl out of it.

"It was amazing." He says, pressing his lips into my neck.

I'm glad he couldn't see my face, because my eyes widened and I felt myself begin to cry. "Yes, yes it was." I lied. I know honesty is the best policy, that I should tell him he hurt me, but I won't. He was holding me, there was no sexual tension at that moment, just being close to one another. That's all I wanted, to be close to someone. He held me tighter than I'd ever been held before. He smelled like sawdust and rainwater, but he felt like an ice cube sliding down the back of my shirt. I don't know why he was so cold, he just was. His hands, his mouth, his face, his arms; cold.

I felt his breath on the back of my neck and started memorizing his breathing pattern. There was something musical about it, it was peaceful to listen to. I began to focus on my heartbeat, trying to make it slow down. Logan began to snore lightly, and I lifted his arm off of me and scooted away from him. My head stayed resting on his pillow, but my mind felt a million miles away from my body.

I don't remember when I fell asleep, but I woke up to the sound of water running. Logan wasn't in the bed anymore and his bathroom door was closed. I sat up and went downstairs to see if Scarlette was awake.