If Fire Was A Lover

February 25th, 2021

I explained partially to Elaine what happened at the football game. I told her I went to check on Logan since we had recently become "friends" again. I told her he was being cross and hurt my feelings, so I left. She wasn't upset with me at all, but she was angry at him. If only she knew. She'd hate him probably as much as I did. I knew she was worried about me, she knew something was going on with me, but she didn't know what it was. And there was no way I was going to tell her. Even when I got brave enough to try, I would pick up my phone to call her, and then I would drop it to the ground and start crying. I don't know how to say what was happening. None of it made any sense. I couldn't comprehend how something so serious began with a conversation about a snowboard. And I hated to know that when I look back at myself to when I was 15, this is what I will remember.

Elaine and Blake had been messaging back and forth to surprise me to try and cheer me up. They showed up with flowers and redbull.

"Hi my love!" Elaine wrapped herself around me and squeezed me tight. Blake smiled at me from behind her.

"Long time no see," I joked.

"Yeah, next time you decide to run away and lay on the road somewhere, let me know so I can come with you. Then we'll both end up in a ward!" She laughed.

"Hello, you" Blake's words had once been spoken by Logan, and they sent shivers down my spine. I smiled, though.

"Hello, Elaine got you flowers?" I joked. Blake turned red and handed the bouquet to me. "Thank you." I said, smelling the roses.

We spent a few hours catching up and watching movies, discussing Elaine's chaotic love life, not addressing mine since part of it was in the room, and going over homework since we all had history together. Elaine left a while later and Blake and I were alone.

He moved closer to me on the couch and I stood up and suggested that we finish the homework in my room. I sat on my bed expecting him to sit at my desk like he usually did, but he sat right beside me on the mattress. There wasn't even an inch between us.

"Blake, I'm really happy we're friends." I said. I could feel him flinch as I said that word.

"But we're not just friends." His words were hostile and short. He grabbed my hand. "I think we should start dating, Liz. It's been long enough, don't you think?" He asked me.

I took my hand from him and crossed my arms over my chest trying not to panic. "I'm just not ready for that." I told him, staring at my feet." "I think we should just be friends."

He turned so he was facing me. "Are you serious?" He questioned me. I nodded. "God, Liz." Blake let out a long sigh. "That bridge by my house is looking really good right about now." Was he serious? I was shocked that he would even say something like that. "You know, you're the reason I stopped cutting myself." He told me. I sat there frozen. I had no idea of that, but it wasn't my fault that he did it in the first place. "Now I don't have a reason not to do it anymore. Thanks for that." He said before getting up and leaving.

I called Elaine. The phone only rang twice before she picked up.

"Hello?" I could hear her sweet voice on the other line.

"He's going to kill himself," I whispered. "And it's my fault. It's all my fault, Logan and Blake, and myself, I just keep ruining things and I can't seem to stop!" I cried.

"Lizzie, honey, slow down! What? What happened with Blake when I left?" She asked calmly.

"I told him I wasn't ready to date, because I'm not! And I still love him as a friend but he doesn't want me as a friend because all I'm good for is sex and he's going to fucking kill himself because I won't be with him and I don't know what to do! What am I supposed to do?" I sobbed.

"Elizabeth, calm down. You are not only good for sex, you haven't even had sex, okay? Blake hasn't seen that side of you so there's no way he was using you for that. He's just upset because he really likes you. But he shouldn't have said that, it was really wrong. He's being really manipulative right now, you can't give in to that behavior. Now breathe, okay? Just take some slow breaths. Blake is not going to hurt himself, and his actions are not because of you. None of this is your fault. You were honest, that's a good thing to be." Elaine said softly.

"Okay, okay." I took a deep breath in and slowly let it out.

"See, you're okay. What were you saying about Logan?" She asked.

"I love him." I said.

"What?" Elaine asked me.

"Everything that's been going around, it's all true. He does what he wants and I let him, and it's been killing me because I can't seem to leave him alone but sometimes he gives me no choice in the matter, sometimes he'll ignore me for days! And when he makes love to me I feel sick to my stomach and I have nightmares about it, and he does it when I say no! He does it while I'm crying! He does it when I'm trying to sleep! And I feel like I'm going mental! I can't sleep without feeling his hands around my throat! And my brother would hate me, he would hate my guts if he knew!" I yelled over the phone and began to cry again. I could hear Elaine crying too.

"Liz, oh my god, why didn't you tell me?" She asked quietly.

"I didn't know how to say it," I explained. I could hardly breathe. I couldn't believe I had told her.

"How long has this been happening to you?" Her words were sad, I could hear her sniffing and trying to compose herself.

"Since New Years." I replied. I felt like I was going to throw up as I confessed how long I'd been hiding him from her. Just the fact that I was telling somebody made it that much more real, and I didn't want it to be real at all.

There was silence. "I'm going to kill him. I really am." She said.

"No, you're not. I'd kill you," I told her. And I meant it.

"What has he done to you?" She cried. Her voice was tired. Her heart was probably tired. It had taken me months to be able to say it out loud, and she was just now hearing all of it. I knew she felt guilty, I knew she felt like she should've known. But nobody could've known, especially if I didn't.

"I have no idea." I told her. And I hung up the phone.

I couldn't believe the things Logan was willing to do to me to get what he wanted. I couldn't believe the things Blake was willing to tell me to get what he wanted. I hated that I was so naive, and that I let it all happen. Blake was supposed to be different. He was supposed to be okay with me saying no, he wasn't supposed to threaten to kill himself. When I said no to Logan he threatened to kill me, and when I said no to Blake he threatened to kill himself, I just couldn't win, I wasn't made to win. I was made to lose, and I lost every time either of them looked at me, even if I didn't know it. They never saw me as a person, as a woman, or as a girl. I was prey, I was meat. I was 15 years old.