If Fire Was A Lover

December 25th, 2022

Every Christmas the family had dinner at Wendy's house. I was dreading it more than usual this year because I'd been so heavily obsessed with Logan and his house, and I was to be across the street for a whole night. Everyone would be busy drinking and playing games, nobody would notice if I slipped away. I could, but I wouldn't. Logan would probably be gone anyway. He liked spending Christmas at his mom's house rather than with Terrence. I never understood why he resented Terrence so much. Terrence was a good dad, and he was a kind man. But he had Logan's best interest at heart, and Logan didn't, so I guess that's why they never got along too well. Every since my cousin died, family holidays were much different. They were quieter, and less cheerful. It almost felt disrespectful if we actually enjoyed ourselves.

Years ago, Logan and his family joined us at every Christmas dinner. I'm thankful that tradition faded, but I must admit sometimes I wished he'd be there. Just to see the look on his face when the whole family hugs me and he can't, I'd be laughing with everyone but not him. Then again, I doubt he'd pay much attention to me. I'm sure he'd already forgotten most of what happened between us, and that's the most frustrating part. He hurt so many people and he was completely desensitized from what was right and what was wrong. Over the summer I went to the drive in with some friends. One of my friends told a story of a night where he had to keep Logan in a chokehold until he passed out so that he wouldn't rape a sleeping girl. They had been a party and Logan was getting violently drunk, and he needed some kind of outlet. The girl had too many shots and passed out in a vacant bedroom. That girl doesn't even know that he tried to rape her, and I think about that quite often. It kills me a little bit.

It seemed to me that my therapist was right, Logan was not human. He was something vile, something disgustingly sinister, as every rapist is. The worst part about him was his smile, because it was so sweet and inviting. But those pearly white teeth would bite down on prey until they drew blood. He was insane. Thinking of him sent shivers down my spine. I wrapped myself tightly in my blankets to try to get comfortable but it was no use. I was awake, and I was thinking of him. I had to get busy.

I called Lauren while washing my face.

"You doing okay?" She asked.

I dried my face with a soft towel. "I'm alright. Just preparing for Christmas." I said.

"Is Wendy doing alright?" She asked me.

"I think so," I said and picked up the phone. "She's been putting in a lot of work to heal, she seems like she's doing okay. It's defenitly going to be a little awkward though. It's just inevitable, I guess."

"Yeah, I bet." She said.

"What about you? Are you doing okay, kid?" I asked.

"I think so. I'm falling behind a bit in school though," she said.

"And by falling behind, you mean you got an A- on an assignment?" I asked. She laughed.

"Well I have to keep my 4.0!" She explained.

"I know, I know. I'm proud of you, Lauren. You're doing great." I heard her mom calling for her on the other side of the phone.

"I gotta go, I love you Liz," she said.

"I love you too," I told her and hung up the phone.

I went upstairs and sat in front of the stove. I began fidgeting with the ring on my hand, and noticed it was the one Blake gave me. I put it on without thinking the day before. He and I had reconnected during the summer. It was going okay, but he was different. He kissed me, for the first time. It was aggressive, but I didn't mind. Until he called me a good girl, and then I pushed him away. We talked it out but it happened again. All we did was kiss when we hung out, but he always made it clear that he wished we were doing more. He told me it was best if we stopped seeing each other. Then, one night, there was a party. I went with Lauren. It was a warm summer night and everyone was gathered around a big bonfire. There was music and people dancing in the dark. I had quite a bit to drink. Blake was holding me up.

He took me for a walk and got in close to my face.

"I'd kiss you but I think I'll taste like beer and doughnuts," I said to him and hiccuped.

"I don't mind," he said. He pressed his lips against mine. He was warm.

"Blake, this never works," I said quietly.

"I know," he said.

"I took a photo of you holding my hand. When you were driving me home a few weeks ago. And I'm not going to delete it." I said boldly.

"That's okay." He said and kissed me again. I fell to the ground and he followed me down. We layed on the dirt as he kissed me again and again.

I heard a familiar roar or a truck pull up to the bonfire, and Logan got out of his truck to join the party.

"Shit," I whispered under my breath.

"What?" Blake asked and kissed me again.

"I need to leave," I said.

"What happened?" He asked me.

"Logan. I can't be here, he just scares me." I whispered.

"Hey, hey. Liz, I'm here. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you." He whispered.

He kept kissing me and I closed my eyes and stopped kissing him back. He didn't seem to notice. I was extremely drunk, I couldn't even stand on my own without falling down. Blake hadn't smoked or had anything to drink. I never questioned this until Lauren and I got home and she began to cry.

"That wasn't okay, Liz. He was sober, you were drunk. You're still drunk, you were falling over the whole night. You couldn't have said yes to kissing him even if you really wanted to." She said.

"Blake isn't like that," I tried to argue. But she was right, he shouldn't have kissed me. I'm not going to say I didn't like it, because I did. I always had a soft spot in my heart for Blake. He tried to save me from Logan and from myself, but it was no use. Still, he and I came back to each other every now and again.

I snapped back to the present and slipped the ring back on my finger.

"What are you doing?" My dad's voice startled me.

"Nothing," I said.

"Where were you? I've been trying to get your attention for about 15 minutes. Change into some pants, those shorts are too small." He said.

I stood up and walked downstairs to my room.