If Fire Was A Lover

March 10th, 2021

Since writing about Logan, I had promised myself to never see him again, reading all of the poems I wrote infuriated me. I knew that I could not go back to him again, I knew I could not let him have me. Of course, that would've been easier if he wasn't so close to home. My family had his family over for game nights, we saw each other on weekends, we saw each other at school, and I saw him in my dreams. We acted as if nothing had happened between us, it all felt like a fever dream. My brother and I went to Wendy's house to watch a basketball game. Wendy and Steve loved watching sports, and every time there was a game they threw a little party.

My oldest cousin Issac was hanging out with my brother Nathan and I.

"We should go see what Logan's up to, come on," Issac said, grabbing his coat.

"Yeah, come on Liz," Nathan said following him. I almost protested but I didn't want to seem uncomfortable. Especially with all of the talk going around about Logan and I. Issac and Nathan both heard about it and they both confronted me about it, but I denied everything. I had to act normal, like Logan was still just a childhood friend. He was just part of the family. He was just my brother's best friend. I followed them out the door and we walked across the street to Logan's house.

"Did those rumors about you and Logan ever stop going around the school?" Issac asked.

"Yeah," I laughed nervously. "Took long enough though, everyone already thinks I slept with that douchebag."

Issac and Nathan laughed. When we opened the door and stepped inside we immediately heard moaning. Issac and Nathan looked at each other and covered their mouths so Logan couldn't hear them laughing.

"I totally forgot," Issac whispered. "His friend Leah is visiting this weekend," he said.

"Bro, friend? That isn't the term I'd use," Nathan said.

"He's disgusting," I said. Both boys laughed at that and the moaning stopped. We heard a mess of footsteps upstairs as Logan and his "friend" dressed themselves. When they came down the stairs they were both red as tomatoes in the face.

"What are you guys doing here?" Logan asked. "Liz, why are you here?" His words hurt.

"Chill out, there's a game over at my house. You should come over, you can bring your uh, friend." Issac said.

Leah stared at the ground, clearly embarrassed. I felt bad for her. I wondered if she said yes to him. It sounded like she was enjoying herself, but then again, I'm sure I sounded that way sometimes. Between sobs, anyway.

"I'm Liz," I introduced myself.

She smiled at me, happy someone was acknowledging her instead of making her the elephant in the room. "I'm Leah," she said kindly. I really didn't want to hate her. It wasn't fair to hate her, but I did. Walking into the house that used to be my second house, in the bed that used to be mine, with the boy that used to be mine. Did she belong to him like I belonged to him? There was no way that he loved her, he would never love anyone like he loved me. He loved me enough to hit me. He didn't care about her like that.

"You're so pretty," I told her.

"Thank you, so are you," she replied.

"I'll be busy tonight, but I can hang out with you guys tomorrow," Logan said coldly. He glared at me quick enough so that nobody would notice. I smiled at him, hoping to piss him off.

"Whatever, bro," Nathan told him. We walked out of the house and the boys started laughing again.

"I can't believe we walked in on that," Issac said.

"I believe it, he's filth." I said angrily.

"Whoa, is someone jealous?" Issac teased.

"Absolutely not, I find him repulsive. I don't know why you guys are friends with him." I said.

"Remember when you used to have a crush on him, like 2 years ago?" Nathan asked and laughed.

"I remember that," Isaac said. I didn't say anything. I let them walk into the house by themselves, I stayed outside for a moment.

I watched Logan's bedroom window and saw shadows dancing. Then the shadows kissed, and I didn't want to watch anymore. I went into Wendy's house and locked the door behind me, in case Logan and Leah changed their minds. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried. Luckily everyone was roaring over the basketball game on the T.V, so nobody heard me. I sat on the floor of the same bathroom that had comforted me many times before after coming from Logan's house. I had convinced myself that I was over him, that I hated him even. But hearing him have sex with another girl wrecked me. It took everything in me not to have a panic attack while Issac and Nathan laughed it off, like it was something they'd experienced many times. It probably did happen a lot. I don't know how many girls Logan had, but I wasn't stupid enough to think I was the only one, even when we were together.

One time his father told me he thought I was the brunette one when I came in, because apparently Logan had her the night before I got there. Logan didn't say anything, he didn't confirm or deny it, he didn't have to. He knew I'd follow him up to his room anyway, no matter which girl was in there the night before. I always wondered how many girls he tormented the way he tormented me. I liked to think I was the only one. He only cared about me enough to hurt me, enough to rape me. He needed me, even when I didn't want him to. He was obsessed with me, I was his everything. And he was mine. Hearing another girl moaning from his bedroom killed something inside of me, it killed something human. I was hateful now, I was a monster. He had turned me into a monster. How could I hate that girl? She was so innocent. She didn't know who I was, she didn't know our past. It wasn't her fault she slept with Logan, oftentimes he didn't give the other person a choice. But still, at that moment, I resented her.