If Fire Was A Lover

January 20th, 2021

It was my 15th birthday. When I woke up I started to cry. I couldn't believe I had made it to 15. I thought for sure either Logan would've killed me by now, whether it was his hands doing it or mine. Even my own actions were his, my own thoughts were his, even when I thought I was alone, I was not. He was always around. He lived inside of me, watching my every move. Everything I did was for him, even existing. I hoped that maybe now that I was older I would suddenly wake up wiser. I hoped that I would have the courage to leave him, now that I was no longer a child. But when I woke up, he was the first thing I thought about. And that's why I began to cry. I was not free of him, and I worried that I would never be.

I finally faced myself in the mirror. My eyes were puffy, my hair was short and choppy. I brushed through it and washed my face. I lifted up my shirt and examined myself in the mirror, staring at the bruises on my sides and on my chest. Some people would consider it abuse, but those people were wrong. He was just aggressive, he didn't know how else to be. I could teach him though, I just needed time. The bathroom lighting had a yellow tone to it, so the bruises looked a lot darker in there than they actually were. That's how the whole relationship was, things always seemed darker than they were. I never talked about it to my friends or family because I knew they'd be worried sick, they'd tell me I could never see him again. They didn't know how strong I was, or how much I could take. I was willing to take it all, I let him stretch me thin, I let him cut me open, and in return sometimes he held me. It doesn't sound like a fair trade, but sometimes it felt like it was.

My mother surprised me with my favorite coffee and a bagel. I hugged her and cried in her arms, overwhelmed by the feeling of getting older. She just held me, kissed my head, and told me that it was all going to be okay. She promised me that good things were coming, and that she loved me so much. My mom has always been my best friend. Even when she didn't understand what was wrong, she still knew how to make it better. She would pick me up from school sometimes to go shopping if I told her I was sad. She'd left me sleep in her bed if I had nightmares, even though I was a teenager. She never judged me when I made mistakes, she just kept loving me. She also made me laugh a lot, I think the best laughs I had were because of something she said or did. She inspired me to be great, because she was a wonderful, talented woman. I hugged her tight, not wanting to let go. Every year on my birthday, I would get this feeling like I hadn't accomplished enough to be as old as I was turning. But my mom always got rid of that feeling, she would lift me up and call me beautiful and courageous, and all the doubts that I had about myself would slip away for a little while.

My dad was still sleeping, as he usually was. He liked to sleep until noon, so my mother and my brother and I had breakfast together and got caught up on how everything was going for each other. Blake came too, a little later in the morning. He brought another bouquet of flowers and a beautiful rose quartz bracelet. I was so grateful to be cared about, but my heart was selfish, and all I really wanted was for Logan to show up at my doorstep. He didn't even need to bring a gift, just himself. I just wanted him to hold my hand and tell me he was proud of me, that he loved me, that he still wanted me and that nothing could change that.

"Elizabeth, are you there?" Blake laughed trying to get my attention. "You were zoning out for a while," he said.

"Oh, sorry, I think I'm just tired." I told him, and it wasn't a lie. I was in the living room with him and mom and my brother were upstairs, I didn't even remember coming down there with Blake. "Thank you, Blake. I'm really happy you're here for my birthday. Fair warning though, you'll have to meet the rest of my family, and they're a little bit crazy," I laughed.

He smiled and said, "Sounds perfect to me." I wrapped my arms around him, happy to be held by someone who hadn't hurt me.

He sat with me in my room while I did my makeup and hair, and eventually Elaine came too to help me get ready. We all talked and joked with each other, and it felt good to have a boy in my life who was kind and got along with my friends. It was nice to have someone who just wanted to sit in the same room while I did my makeup, there was nothing expected out of it. Blake was older than Logan, and he seemed more mature. He knew that relationships weren't supposed to be strictly physical. He appreciated spending time with me, even if we were six feet apart and fully clothed. It was crazy to me that someone like him existed. It made me really happy that Blake and Elaine got along so well, because Elaine was my whole world, and if Blake was going to be a big part of my life, she absolutely had a say in it. I kept LOgan from her because I knew she'd hate him. And I didn't want to hear her out.

Later that night all of the family had arrived. I got a lot of new paint brushes and canvases, some new books, cute coffee mugs, and candles. It was a beautiful night, and my family all adored Blake. Towards the end of the night we did karaoke, and even Blake sang a song which made me laugh. He was usually very shy around me, but he sang in front of my whole family. Everyone was laughing and cheering him on, and telling him that they couldn't wait to see him again. The party died down around midnight, and the only guest left was Elaine. She had passed out in my bed already, and I just let her rest. I laid next to her and messaged Logan.

I wanted to tell him that I was becoming a young woman, that I found someone who would treat me right, that I wouldn't let him walk all over me anymore, that I was wiser now and he had to start treating me like a human. I wanted to tell him that I would do anything for him if he would change, that I was willing to stay with him forever if he'd just start loving me right.

"It's my birthday." I texted him.

"Happy birthday Liz." He replied.

"I miss you." I said.

"Miss you." Was all he said. I turned off my phone and cried silently until I fell asleep.