If Fire Was A Lover

March 5th, 2021

I sat down at my desk unable to get a hold of myself or my emotions. I had been going to school again. I saw Logan everyday, and everyday he pretended that he did not see me. I took my journal out from my bag and began to write. Sometimes writing was the only thing that helped me not to feel so crazy.

'Use me up until I'm gone, I don't want to be here anymore
I guess I'll never be more than my body
To you or to anybody
I know that you don't love me
I can tell by the way that you touch me
You're only in it for one thing
But could you please lie to me,
Tell me you like me,
Tell me you see me'

I cried as the ink from my pen freed my thoughts from my brain.

'Hold me in a temporary way
I know the morning brings new feelings, a new day
Love me intensely and then leave me in the dust
Cut me to pieces if you must
Your love is beautiful when it is real
Your charming words are your appeal
Kill me slowly and love me fast
Ruin me and make me your past'

Each poem I wrote made me miss him more and more. I never thought I would miss someone like him. I used to swear to myself that I would not become my mother, that I would never love someone like my father. But here I was, missing someone who hurt me, loving someone who doesn't love me. The realization that I had in fact become my mother was a humbling moment. I put my pen to the paper and began writing again.

'The urge to kill you courses through my veins
To have your blood on my hands
As you have my blood stained on yours
To plunge a dagger into your chest through your heart
As you ripped mine out of me
And crushed it in front of me
I stained your hands
You stained my mind
Nothing can heal that, not even time
How can I miss someone
Who was never truly mine?
I dream of hurting you
But I know I could never bring myself to
I would never want to paint you the victim
As you painted me blue with my own brush
If only we had never met
If only I had never blushed'

I should've stayed home that night, in January. I didn't even get a snowboard, I gained nothing. He gained everything. He won in every way that a person could win, and I lost in every way that a person could lose. I had finally blocked his phone number and everything else that he could reach me on. As much as I craved his touch, I knew it would kill me, I knew that I couldn't risk it anymore. I had nothing left to give him, I wasn't willing to offer my body as a sacrifice for affection anymore. I was done, and he had to be done too. He didn't get a say in the matter, not this time. I put my pen on the paper and wrote again.

'Some days I feel more like a victim than a survivor
I feel more like a statistic than a woman
I feel more like a body than a human
That is what you did to me
Some days I am so exhausted that I can't hold up my head
I am too depressed to move from my bed
I pick at my skin until it turns red
That is what you did to me
Some days I feel like a failure
Because of your failure to hear the word "no"
That is what you did to me
Two letters, one syllable
One word
That's all you had to listen to
But you ruined me'

'I stare at the girl who stands before me
Her body marked with scars and stretch marks
I stare at the girl I call ugly
The one who cries silently in the dark
You can tell by looking in her eyes
She has been dominated one too many times
You can tell by the way she stands
She has been held down by stronger hands
Part of me pitties her
I want to reach through the mirror and give her a hug
I want to wipe her tears and show her love
Love? My, what a strange concept
Some people's love is shallow
Some people love in depth
He did not love her, he hated her
He strangled her he beat her
He told her nobody would ever need her
He stripped her of her clothing and of her dignity
He took the oxygen from her lungs, then told her, "Sit with me,"
He explained how it was all part of God's plan
She cried and he cupped her face in his hands
He killed her and told her she looked beautiful dying
She didn't make it in life, she died trying'

'I wanted to rip my skin off from my body
Throw it away from me
"Give me new skin!" I screamed at the sky
The stars stared at me blankly
I collapsed to the ground,  my eyes poured
I yelled and wailed until my throat was sore
My soul escaped my body
I floated above myself, still crying
How could emptiness feel so heavy?
How could I make myself breathe
I gasped for air
Pulled at my hair
I stripped and set fire to the "provocative" clothes I chose to wear
In that moment the pain was far too much to bare
Even now, even still, I mourn the girl I was
I miss the bright soul who used to be so full of love'

'I was so willing to lay down everything
I was more than willing to give it all to you
I was so in love with you
That when I wasn't with you
I had no idea what to do with myself
You hurt me more than anyone
You screamed at me
You choked me until I couldn't breathe
You threw me into your wall
You broke my heart
But I loved you more than anyone
I existed only for you
And you abused me
How the hell am I supposed to move on from that?'

'I loved you
Because you stuck around to finish a job
That my father did not
The intense anger looked so much like him
I loved you
Because you were tall and strong
You were there when my father was not
You drank just as much as him
You held me as tight as he did after a fight
I loved you because I am nothing if not a lover
And you are nothing if not an abuser
And I fell in love with the abuse
I found the violence terrifying
And somehow, hauntingly romantic
I loved you
Because I am broken
And you cannot be fixed'

'I see you in my dreams 
I suppose I should call them nightmares
I wake up in a cold sweat
Paralyzed in my bed
I cannot catch my breath
I feel like I am physically breaking into
Millions
Of
Microscopic
Pieces
You know me more than anyone
And I hate that
You have seen me naked
You have seen me laugh
You have seen me cry
You haunt me in my sleep
Please leave me be'

As I wrote it all down, it appeared to me how horrific Logan was. He was inhuman, almost demonic.