If Fire Was A Lover

February 20th, 2021

School football games were one thing that I dreaded the most about high school. As a freshman, you had to get there early or there wasn't a seat, it was very loud, and it was usually raining or snowing because the weather in Crystal Lake was abnormal. Elaine had messaged me that morning and told me that she was picking me up to go to the football game and that I couldn't say no. I didn't have the energy to fight her on it, so I agreed. Plus, I missed her. My life had been so consumed with Logan that I hardly spent any time with her since New Years Eve.

I put on thermal leggings underneath my sweatpants and bundled up as much as I could. I left my hair down and put some earmuffs on to stay as warm as I could. Logan played football. He wouldn't be playing that night, but he would most likely be there. I hadn't seen him around that week at school, he was suspended. He was saying something offensive to a girl and her boyfriend stepped in and hit him. And of course Logan hit him right back. I saw him walking to the office with a bloody nose and tried to check on him, but it was like talking to a wall. He hadn't texted me after that, either. He was gone for a little while.

It was bittersweet when he wouldn't talk to me. When he spoke to me it killed me, but when he ignored me it killed me just the same. It was nice to give my body a break from the hell he would put it through, but I also craved him. I could never quite make up my mind about him. I hated him, I loved him, I was scared of him, I needed him, and I was never free of him. The nightmare I had about him had been replaying in my head, even when I was awake. I kept seeing the purple dress and the waterfall, and then I saw his face, and blood, so much blood. And I knew I'd be bleeding forever.

My heart sank when I saw Elaine pull into the driveway, I knew I wasn't ready to face him. I knew he'd be there. He always was. He was everywhere that I went, he was haunting me. I ran to Elaine's car and hopped into the front seat.

"I missed you!" She squealed and hugged me. Her floral perfume was familiar to me and made me smile.

"I missed you! I'm so happy we're finally hanging out again, sorry I've been so busy!" I told her.

"Girl, don't apologize. I know you've been pretty happy with Blake! I'm so glad you guys are together now. He's a really sweet guy. He's allowed to take up your time, but you have to promise to save some of it for me, okay?" She smiled.

"I promise," I smiled back. I felt sick. I completely forgot about Blake. I'd text him everyday but he never really occupied my mind, Logan did. I knew that it wasn't fair to Blake, I even felt cruel for it sometimes. But it wasn't my fault, I couldn't control my feelings. I wished I could, but they had a mind of their own, and oftentimes they belonged to Logan. He woke something up inside of me, a chaotic hysterical side. He made me crazy. He consumed my every thought, I became obsessive, I became impulsive, I let him abuse me because afterwards there was a small act of kindness, and I completely betrayed myself. I didn't trust myself. I didn't really trust anyone. I felt like I belonged in a ward. And it was all because of him, everything was because of him.

When we pulled into the high school parking lot I saw Terrence's truck. I was right, he was here. And I knew I'd see Terrence and that he'd hug me and that it would kill me inside.

"Are you okay? You don't look so good," Elaine said.

"I'm fine, just a little sleepy still. I was napping before you picked me up." I lied.

She shrugged her shoulders and got out of the car, and I followed her. The cold air bit at my nose and sent shivers down my spine. I could hear people shouting and saw kids running around in front of the bleachers. The cheerleaders looked like they were freezing to death, but they kept smiles on their faces. Elaine and I walked hand in hand to the bleachers. All of the cheerleaders smiled and waved at her as we walked past. She was friends with them so a lot more people knew her. I waved at them but I don't think any of them noticed.

We climbed up the metal bleachers and found a seat towards the middle. The girl next to me reeked of weed and it started to give me a headache. The boys on the other team were so much taller than everyone on our team. The football coach kept yelling at the boys and kicking at the ground. Our team was never known for winning, usually we just went to the games because there was nothing else to do in our town. Elaine and I sat through the first quarter and watched the other team rack up points against us.

I couldn't really focus my vision on the field because I found Logan. He and his family were sitting along the fence.

"I'll be right back," I told Elaine.

"Oh, ok, where" she started to ask but I was already halfway down the bleachers.

It felt pathetic to be walking over to him. He looked so smug, like he knew he was better than me. Even with his black eye and swollen nose, I still found him beautiful, and I hated myself for it. Terrence and Scarlett stood to the left of Logan. Scarlett saw me first, she ran up to me and threw her arms around me.

"Lizzy!!" She squeezed me.

"Hi, honey! How are you?" I asked.

"I'm pretty good. I don't really like football though." She said and I laughed. "Come say hi to dad!" She grabbed my hand and led me over to where they were standing.

"Hey, kiddo!" Terrence smiled at me. I came over and stood between him and Logan, hoping Logan might say something. I was lucky Blake never came to games. Logan didn't say a word and Terrence and Scarlett's were exchanging glances, and then they walked away leaving Logan and I.

"So, are you doing okay?" I asked, trying to break the painful silence.

"Yep." He said.

"Everyone's talking about the fight. I'm sorry it happened." I told him. He didn't say anything. "Are you sad you can't play?" I asked him.

"Kind of." He responded, staring at the snow covered ground. I felt my blood begin to boil. 

An upperclassmen girl walked past and waved at Logan, he smiled at her. I was infuriated.

"Do you have anything to say?" I spit out.

"Do you?" He glared at me.

"I guess not." I whispered, and I turned to walk away so that he wouldn't see me cry.

I walked behind the bleachers so that I wouldn't catch anyone's attention. The crowd was yelling and I could hear the coaches shouting at the boys, and I could see kids running around. Everything was still continuing on, the world was still spinning for everyone else, but for me it stopped.

I ran once I was out of sight. I ran until I couldn't breathe, and I fell to the ground. I layed on the cold sidewalk for a few minutes, unsure of where I was. I pulled out my phone and called Blake.

"Hello?" I heard his voice on the other line.

"Blake," I started to cry.

"I'm on my way," he told me and hung up. Luckily my phone was sharing my location with him. I felt bad for leaving Elaine but I didn't want to talk to her right now. I didn't really want to talk to anyone, but I needed Blake.

He showed up in a matter of minutes and helped me into his truck.

"Liz, what's going on? Are you okay?" He asked, rubbing my back.

"I don't know, I just want to go home," I said quietly.

"Okay, okay, of course." He said softly and started the drive home. I was so thankful for him at that moment. He didn't need any answers, he was just willing to do whatever I asked him to.