If Fire Was A Lover

December 16th, 2022

Logan started dating someone else. She was really sweet, I used to be friends with her in elementary school. I couldn't even explain how jealous of her I was. He treated her right, she was so in love with him. He got her flowers, he took her to dinner, he never pressured her into anything sexual, he never yelled at her, he didn't hit her. It was good to hear from her how wonderful he was, but it also hurt. I was the one he treated that badly. I had to have done something wrong. She told a mutual friend of ours that she and Logan were planning to live together after graduation, and that they were expecting. It consumed me completely, the idea that a baby was conceived from consensual sex with the person who had raped me so many times and destroyed me as a person. Lauren was with me when I got the news.

"Guess who was almost a father?" Emily asked Lauren and I. We were sitting in our favorite coffee shop, all was well and calm. Lauren and I looked at each other curiously.

"Blake?" Lauren guessed. I laughed out loud at that, wondering who in their right mind would have a child with him. Emily shook her head.

"It's Logan." I said quietly." Emily didn't know about Logan, but Lauren did.

"Yes!" She squealed. "He and Lily were pregnant," she told us. I choked on my coffee and spit it out all over the table.

"Sorry, went down the wrong tube," I said, wiping it off the table. Lauren looked at me with wide eyes and grabbed my hand softly under the table.

"What do you mean they were?" Asked Lauren.

"Lily miscarried the baby. She's been bedridden for a few days now," Emily explained.

"Oh my god," I whispered. "I hope she's okay."

"She seems alright, Logan has been staying with her after school every night. She's having trouble sleeping." Emily told us.

"I bet," said Lauren.

"Did Lily want to get pregnant?" I asked. The longer that conversation lasted the more it hurt.

"Yeah, they're really happy together. They were so excited when the test came out positive." Emily looked down sadly.

"How far along was she?" Lauren asked.

"Four months, just long enough to get attached. Poor thing, I don't think she'll ever fully recover. But, I just thought you guys would want to know. It's quite the gossip." Emily said.

I never wanted to gossip about a young woman losing a child. It felt incredibly wrong. I was not gossiping, just inquiring about a past lover.

"I hope Logan is alright," I said quietly. "He never really talks about how he's doing. This is probably killing him."

"Oh yeah, you two grew up together right?" Emily asked and I nodded. "He'd probably love to hear from you," she said.

It took everything in me not to take my phone out and call him right then. I just wanted to hold him, sing him to sleep, tell him that this pain would pass and he would be okay again. And then I was infuriated with myself. If he heard that I was going through something that terrible, he wouldn't give it a second thought. He'd go on with his day forgetting he even heard my name. He could care less about if I was okay or not. But I still loved him. I wanted him to be okay. As horrible as he was, nobody deserves to lose a child. Especially not Lily. Not Logan. They were given a shot at a family, and that was gone then.

"Maybe I'll tell Isaac to reach out," I said.

"That would be good." Lauren said. Emily dropped Lauren and I off at my house. We sat on my bed trying to ignore what we just heard.

"Are you okay?" Lauren asked me.

"I don't quite know." I mumbled. "He was going to have a baby with her. He wanted to, he never wanted me that way."

"He was horrible, it had nothing to do with you, Liz." She told me.

"But it did, I was horrible to him too. I hit him, I yelled at him.

"He abused you, Elizabeth. It's not even close to being the same. He raped you, honey. Multiple times." She said.

"I know he did," I said and started to cry. I laid down on the bed and sobbed quietly.

"I'm so sorry," she said and tried to console me. They were going to have a baby, they were going to have a house after graduation. They would've had a toddler running around our front yard, no, their front yard. They'd have a beautiful baby with brown curly hair and dark green eyes. They'd be happy. He wouldn't hit her, he wouldn't hit the child. He was different when he was with her, he was a good person. For a split second I felt happy that they lost the baby, and then I hated myself for it. It was sick, it was horrible that I could find happiness in that, even if it was just for a second. But I must admit I was relieved, mostly for her. She was too sweet to be stuck with him forever. I was supposed to be the one by his side in life and even in death.

"It could've been me," I told Lauren.

She shook her head. "No, don't do that to yourself right now. Don't you dare do that to yourself. Not when you have spent years in therapy and healing and growing and trying to move on from him, don't you dare wish you were in her shoes. You're too good for that and you know it, Elizabeth." She told me sternly. "I know it seems harsh, but I'm only saying it because I love you."

"I know, I know. I love you too." I said quietly. She was right and I knew it. I had spent so much time and effort trying to heal from everything that Logan put me through. I was journaling everyday, I was at therapy once a week, I took special yoga classes to be more accepting of my body, and I didn't let myself see him anymore. I was stronger than before, I was wiser, and I was never going to become that girl again.

"You're going to be okay, and it's not going to be this hard forever, Liz. But you have to put in the work to get better, you have to stay away from him. He'll ruin you if you get too close, you know that." Lauren said.

"I just want to talk to him, just one more time," I whispered.

"I know, I know. But you can't." She told me.

"I just want to know if he's sorry, if we could just have one more conversation," I started.

"Liz, stop it. Stop doing this to yourself. There won't be another conversation, and he's not sorry. He's never going to be sorry. You have to move on," she said quietly. I stared at the ceiling and hated her for being right.

We'd had this conversation many times. She always convinced me not to go back to him, and I always begged her to just let me go. But she never did, she loved me too much.