If Fire Was A Lover

March 1st, 2021

My mom called my Aunt Linsey and told her that she was worried about me. I heard the conversation from downstairs but pretended I didn't know that they were talking about me.

"She's not eating again," I heard my mother's voice. There was a pause. "Mhm, I swear something's going on but she won't tell anyone. I'm worried she's going to end up in the hospital again." I stopped listening after that.

I wrapped my blankets around myself and sank into the comfort of my bed. Each time I closed my eyes I saw purple walls. They haunted me. I laid by my phone and prayed that Logan would text me, but he didn't. I had heard rumors of a new girl in his life, but I didn't want to believe them. He wasn't done with me yet, he couldn't be. He hadn't told me he was finished, he just left me like there was never a reason to say, and he was silent as if there was not an explanation that he owed to me. So, yes, I had stopped eating again. I hadn't been to school in a week. I was wearing the same sweatpants and old shirt that I had been in for four days. I hadn't showered. I didn't have the energy. I slept, I cried, and sometimes I went to the bathroom.

Mom was getting really worried about me, dad didn't seem to notice. My brother was catching on to the rumors and kept pressing me about them, but I denied everything. I think he could see right through me. I felt like everyone could. I was even starting to worry myself, I'd never been this low before. I had fallen down a rabbit hole and I was starting to realize that maybe there wasn't a way out.

I heard footsteps approaching my room and my light turned on. "Hey, sweetheart." My mom said and came in. She sat on the end of my bed. "How're you feeling?" He asked.

"I'm fine," I said quietly.

"I know you're not in much of a mood to go anywhere right now, but Linsey's going to come and get you tonight. She wants to take you into town to get drinks and show you a cool spot. I think it'll make you feel better." She said softly. I groaned. "Lizzie, baby you can't hide away in here forever."

"I know." I told her. "I'll take a shower. When is she coming?" I asked.  

"2 hours." My mom smiled and left my room.

I rolled out of bed and made my way to the bathroom. There were clothes piled up on the floor and the garbage was overflowing, but I had no energy to do anything about it. I put on some music and undressed, examining myself in the mirror. There were no bruises left, no signs of him. It made me sad. I stepped into the shower and brought myself back to life as the scorching hot water burned my back. If I could feel pain then I was still alive, he hadn't killed me yet. Or maybe he had, I didn't really know. The air around me became thick with fog. It became difficult to breathe, but I liked it. I'd been struggling to breathe for months, I was used to it. It was comfortable to me now.

I piled shampoo into my hands and ran my fingers through my damp hair, each movement took all of the energy that I had. I turned the water off, stepped out and called Elaine.

"Hello?" She picked up the phone immediately.

"I'm going out tonight," I told her.

"You're out of bed?" She sounded happy.

"Mom made me. Can you help me?" I asked.

"With what?" Her voice was soft.

"I can't shower." I told her.

"I'm on my way." The phone clicked and I sat down on the floor.

When Elaine showed up she ran me a bath and helped me wash my hair and my body. I laid lifeless in the tub as she talked to me about Blake as she massaged my scalp. 

"I can't believe he pulled something like that." She said.

"I know, I really didn't expect that from him." I replied. She didn't try to bring up Logan, I was glad because I couldn't have talked about him just then. Elaine picked out an outfit for me and I slipped into it. Then she brushed through my hair and put it into two French braids.

"You're going to be okay, Liz. I know you are." She said and hugged me.

"I know. I love you, thank you." I told her.

"I love you more," she said. She hugged my mom and left the house.

I looked in the mirror again. I felt cleaner, but still something seemed off. I wanted to crawl back into my bed, but I knew I couldn't.

My mom came down to my room before my aunt came to pick me up. "I love you, kid. I'm glad you're getting out of the house. I'm proud of you, honey." She kissed my head and went back to her room. I heard the dogs barking and knew that aunt Linsey had pulled into the driveway.

I walked out into the cold air and saw Linsey through the windshield. She always had a smile on her face. I got into the car.

"So, mom couldn't handle me, huh?" I asked, buckling myself in.

"She's just worried about you, sweetheart. It's good to get out of the house. Plus, I missed you." She smiled and pulled out of the driveway.

"I know. Thanks for coming to get me, I'm glad to have a reason to get out of bed." I told her.

"Anytime, kiddo. You have to start going to school again, too, okay?" She said.

"I know. I will." I replied.

The drive was calm and quiet. Classical music played from the stereo very quietly. I observed the outside world as we drove. The birds were still flying, flowers were growing through the snow, people were walking hand in hand on the sidewalks. I knew I wanted to be one of those people someday. But then I thought of Logan and how much I wished he'd be the person holding my hand as we walked. Looking at other people's lives I saw the life that Logan and I would never have together.

"What are you thinking about?" Linsey asked me.

"Nothing, really," I said quietly.

"You can tell me things, you know. I love your mom, but I know how to keep secrets. I don't have to tell her anything you say to me." Linsey said.

"I'm thinking about a boy." I told her.

"Oh, Blake?" She asked.

"Another one. It's complicated," I said, looking out the window. She didn't say anything. "He makes me feel horrible. But sometimes he makes me feel alive. That's all I can really say about it," I explained. She nodded.

We turned onto a dirt road and drove up a hill for about a half hour. Linsey pulled over on the side of the road and parked the car. "We're here," she said and smiled. "Look," she pointed out the window. I could see the whole town from up there. It was dark out and all of the lights were like fireflies. People had their house lights on, probably baking or playing games or dancing. The neon store signs were the brightest, they lit up whole parking lots.

"I love city lights," I told her.

"I know you do, I figured you'd love it here." She said.

I stared down below at the lighted town, so alive for a small town. It was beautiful. For a while, I was actually calm. My mind and my body were at peace, and I knew that I was okay. I took a deep breath in and let it out slowly, and I took in the moment. She sat for a while, not speaking but just existing together, seeing the same thing, feeling the same feelings. It was nice to be understood by someone, and I think at that moment Linsey really understood me.

When I got home I fell asleep almost immediately after getting into bed. I heard my mom talking to my aunt Linsey and how happy they sounded, and their laughter might as well have been a lullaby.