Your Struggles is What Creates Your Depth

"I'M LIKE A BIRD, I ONLY FLY AWAY".

(February 8th,2023)
I just want you to fucking hear me
Because I still see movies in my mind
They slide on through
While others see the world around them
I see the trees flying and white knuckles
The beers bucked back
The roar of the four wheelers
The lean around the bends making sure we don't flip
I feel the tears stuck inside my helmet
Hear the song that calms my mind even a little

I see that dark living room
After a bad day
The goodnight and I love you repeated
Yet you stare at the Tv
Not a look or a sound for me
I feel the weight in my chest
My breath failing to escape
The tears scream the second I close my bedroom door

I stare at alcohol and I literally want to scream at it until I need surgery on my vocal cords
After a hard day or an early bedtime my daughter can't ever go to bed without an I love you
All because of you

I still see from outside my body
The moments we laughed until we wanted to cry
The warmth but it wasn't reality
Because I love you was still conditional
And I've lost count of how many you knocked back

I spent more time with you helping name things I should hate about myself
And you held the mirror up
I spent days knocking anything in the cabinets I could find just to escape and sleep longer even if it was forever

If I could take back how I reacted to all this when I was younger
I don't think I would
I'm extremely sorry about it
But in a way it's what kept me alive
Kept the search for meaning alive
Kept value a term in my vocabulary
Kept words flowing out of my mouth
Kept my pain as a lesson

You may never hear me nor want to
But I wanna fucking hear me
More than your approval of love
I wanna hear me from the screams I've been holding in for too long
I wanna hear me when I say I matter
I wanna hear me when I say I'm beautiful on the inside and outside
Because beauty is in the eye of myself
You've never tried to hear
You've never tried to see me
Don't worry I'm breaking off
So fuck you
You get double birds
Because I'm flying away without conditions to love and substances
And the view is beautiful from up here