Your Struggles is What Creates Your Depth

LONELY DAYS.

(August 27th,2023)
I play this game sometimes in my head
Plan out each moment perfectly
Even though no part of it is real
I close my eyes and relax in bed acting like the darkness doesn't swallow me into the bed frame
Like the walls don't feel my screams ricochet
I was told this is a trauma response
But I hate the hope it gives
Like holding something so innocent until I lost it
Holding onto people that I loved that I never said a proper goodbye too
In this world there's no mirrors that mock my tears because I don't carry them around in this reality
Today I spent every second trying to shut off the anger inside of me that burns with every moment I could have had but will never reach
To hold the mini bloody corpse that I hid away
Hoping someday nothing but forgiveness to myself is seen
Rotting with loneliness
Spinning new vices just to quiet the fucking voices
That I can't hold anything I love because I don't deserve it
Looking into an empty room but watching it become two
I never understood the need to put bedsheets on an empty bed
But sometimes I do
Because holding loneliness feels like I'm trying to put the last edge on while the other three pop off
Somedays I'd trade loneliness for anxiety at least it knows it place
I can sleep it off
Take a pill
Walk it off
I can't sleep off loneliness it empties my dreams like a vacuum
There's no pill I can take
No remedy to fix anything
I can't walk off loneliness because it walks with me
So I chain smoke
Drive
Scream
Hold in my cries pathetically
And beg it for mercy
As I kill my lungs begging the world to feel less empty