Your Struggles is What Creates Your Depth

IMAGE DEATHNOTES.

(February 28th,2024)
Weight
I never thought I'd still have it feel so heavy
Like my childhood wasn't filled with terms
That catapulted outta kids mouth just as my induced vomiting did
Like every comment from my mother became another hour upon hour marathon of working out in my room
While my mom yelled to be quiet
How conscious I was of my weight
How in class how I felt like a giant even when the gum and water was all I had inside
My mom hates how my brother throws his body around because he's not light anymore
While she comments that I handle my body weight well
Like I ever had a choice
I had to make my weight quiet
To pray it would quiet all of you
While I quiet my own gravity in conversation
Because being fat was the only way people were allowed to know me
How that word I carved into my adolescent body twice
If I didn't eat my mother wouldn't stop talking about it but if I was hungry and ate she'd definitely talk about it
Some days I didn't know what was meaner
All of you or food that made me invisible to feeling beautiful
And like I deserved to take up space
Just because I took up a little more space
How some days every bite feels like their words are being shot like missiles
And the swallows every time the comments kept me from eating
So I want so badly to throw it up
And yet all these years I still struggle with this
As I'm the biggest I've ever been
But trying to heal this
Doesn't look the same for everyone
I have to heal
Because my daughter's beauty and her knowledge of it
Is more important than words that eventually carved death notes into my skin
How my words will forever be my daughters shield if any of you try to mistake her gravity
She is astounding and beauty is in the eye of the beholder
And I'll carry hers until my dying breath
And when they donate my organs I hope a person with my eyes
Will forever know beauty
Because I don't care what anyone looks like
Your beauty can not be measured
So please please don't even let those scales start