Your Struggles is What Creates Your Depth

3/25/2023

(June 21st,2023)
Dear girl that died on March 25th,
Is it cold where you are?
Or did you finally find peace?
I really wish you could fucking tell me
Did we meet him?
Did he answer ALL of the questions?
Or did you meet the fallen angels and realize you were still no better dead as alive?
Was it hard knowing you weren't enough to get into heaven?
Or is it completely nothingness
I knew that one always scared you the most
You pretend you are full of nothing but darkness and anger
But you try to give sunshine even when you don't have any
You still remember the way you picked that tree because it had no houses real close
Because how dare you die disrupting everyone else
How you were on the phone with friends until the confirmed moment that you knew it would end
You feared nothing so you slammed your foot on the gas and glanced down at seventy and increasing and the slow rumble of snow in your tires
Eyes locked on the tree and trying to slam the gas harder
The second you hi—
Blackness
You felt it but didn't know how long you were out for
It never felt long enough
I think you died on impact but no one realized it
You saw light
But opened your eyes
There's blood everywhere and car fluids dripping
The car smoking and you realize it could blow up
It's almost like you heard a time clock when you heard the whirling of the engine whisper and the smoke got unbearable
You jumped out and screamed
At least you thought you did
Your voice wasn't yours
It felt strange and foreign to you
But you screamed and screamed louder
You tried to stand so you could ditch your car and go down pills or hang yourself or anything
Remember?
You couldn't stand
Somehow your phone was in your hands
And someone was on the phone with you
People showed up
Cops
Ambulance
You couldn't know the faces of the three angels that stopped
Coincidentally the amount of angels that you miss so much you wanna die to be there with them...
Soon you're in the ambulance
You had no idea when they got you there
The winding road was the worst
The hospital felt like a blur...
The moment I took over you still left a part of yourself inside me
Walking around with it hurts but I don't think it's impossible
That part still screams herself awake and has seizures at any scene of any car crash
You just want your dreams back
Just...
I don't know how to walk around carrying the face of a dead girl
I don't know how to live with it right now
You took something from me but gave pieces of you to me
I hate what your thoughts have done to me
I doubt myself more
Speak up less
You killed a part of me too
All of us
Maybe you killed some trauma
But you killed great parts of you
Now I'm left with the aftermath
How dare you shed your pain onto me
Like I don't already have plenty to carry
Facing our demons when you ignored them
Always took everything on but none of it fucking yours
I hate you
I've hated you my whole life
But yet,
I still drive by your grave
And admire the gravestone markings
And the small part of you that screams at me to do it better this time
To get it right
It's not as loud
I'm drowning you out
But I still need help
Your ghost won't haunt me forever

Love,
Whoever I become